Broken Hearted Rant

Today was one of the worst days of my life. because today I took a pregnancy test. and it came out as negative. which of course was a relief. or was it? for a little while there, I had the thought that there was the possibility of me having a child... a baby... inside of me. And it hurt, knowing that I wasn't pregnant, even while it was an extreme relief.

Because even though I hadn't wanted to be pregnant, deep deep down inside of me, having a child would have made me so happy. Being able to love that baby would've been the most amazing thing in the world. and then, right when I sent the text containing my result, I get an accusatory text from my boyfriend. Yes, I was guilty of lying to protect not only our mutual friends, but him, also, but he never gave me time to absorb the tragedy from only moments before.

I spent the entire day catering to his patronizing comments, his insisting on an answer immediately after asking a question, his ordering me to shut my mouth when he wanted to speak, his not allowing me to defend myself, his short, snippy, rude, and sometimes insulting comments in front of other people, and his demands that I one hundred percent, completely change to fit his standards, his wants, his needs, NOW. and then, to add the perfect end to an already horrible day, when we arrived at his house, he decided to ask me if he thought we should take a break.

I cannot honestly say that I don't believe this is a good idea. it might be exactly what we need. OR it will ruin us forever. I don't know if id be able to go from doing what I want when I want, back to being controlled, having demands put upon me, having to answer to another person. I JUST DON'T KNOW. And when I said this to him, he was like ‘then do we just need to break up?’ and God, help me, but I just don't know. I really don't know.