Break Even

"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of your life you’ll regret losing me."
She said it with conviction. If only she knew I am already drowning with regret. I avoided her eyes and looked on the ground, how I wish it would swallow me now. I shook my head and let my hands crossed over my chest fall into my side. Just a few more minutes it will be over so don’t break your facade, I keep on reminding myself. I raised my head and smile.

"Yeah, maybe but I would surely regret now if I choose to stay with you." I spoke fighting as much as possible not to shake my voice. I must do it I remind myself once again. I crossed my hands again across my chest and with all the strength left in me I tried to paint a smile.
Instead of answering she just stared into my eye. For once, I can’t read what she was thinking and prayed that she’d believed my words. Then she gently shook her head and smiled.

"I knew it’s just too good to be true. You and me, together." She said without taking her eyes from me. She was right; she was just too good to be mine. I don’t deserve her.
"Yeah, we were just taken by with our emotions. A moment of confusion that lead us to believe it was love." I answered her hoping that it would convince her. Though my heart was shouting; It has always been love.

She nodded. I turned my back and slowly walked away from her. My hands are already trembling. I forced myself not to look back because I will surely ruin it all. I curled my hands into fist fighting not to wipe the tears that are already falling from my eyes. And for the first time in my history I cried myself to sleep, starting to live in regret. Then when the rays of the sun started to creep into windows thus I realized, she didn’t even shred a single tear last night.

Those memories became clearer today as I stare outside the window of the moving car looking at nothing in particular just the blur of the things that are being passed by. I smiled, after eight years those memories still tend to wander into my thoughts uninvited. Regrets; my life is full of them.

"You seemed to recall a nice memory Charles." My cousin who’s steering the wheel spoke.
I laughed. That was the most ironic words I’ve heard. "Yeah, a very nice memory indeed." I lied.

"Nice enough to make you laugh." He commented. His eyes still fixed on the road.
"I spent my childhood here, long enough to make a collection of memories to make me laugh." I said without looking at him.

"Indeed. And you spend the next years running away from here. What really happened Charles?" He asked with face suddenly filled with enthusiasm.
"You knew very well what happened Eric." I answered him with a smile.
"I don’t believe it. It’s a pretty dumb excuse. You never wanted to follow your father’s steps. You used to have a different dream."

"Yeah, I used to have a different dream, but I changed my mind. That’s what happened Eric." I shrugged.
"Whatever. I still won’t buy that. There must be a reason for the change of heart."
"I’m not that rational Eric. You know it. I just do pretty much whatever I wanted to do without a reason."
"Uh uh, and you’re a good liar Charles. I know you more than you know yourself."
I laughed. He never had changed. "Oh yeah, and you can tell me that I love pink more than blue huh Eric?"

"What I am trying to say Charles is that you can make the world believe your words but not me. I can tell your lies from your words." He threw a glance at me and smiled.
"Very well said cousin, then can you tell me that I was lying when I said I want to go and be like my father?" I tried to play his game.
"Oh yeah and during that time when you said that you love blue more than pink." He laughed aloud more like a roar. He still carries his sick humor.
"Whatever that makes you happy Eric." I laughed along with him.

We drove for another hour until we reached the town and another half to reach the house where I grew up. We were welcomed by my old nanny who ran her way to mine and gave me a warm hug.
"My dear, look at you! You’ve grown into such a handsome man." She cried while still clinging to our embrace.
"Oh Sally how about me? Surely I’ve grown into a gorgeous man too." Eric barked.
"Hush Eric! Your head have surely grown." Sally replied.

We then laughed at the joke. It’s so good to hear her voice once again; the woman who spend almost two decades to tend to my needs.
"And you’re always gorgeous Sally." I answered her back.
"It’s so good to have you back here Charlie! Oh my, it’s been eight years. I always prayed for this moment to come." She cried.
"Come on Sally, don’t be too dramatic. Your tears won’t stop my stomach from growling." Eric interrupted.

I laughed. It’s like the old times; Sally, Eric and me. Sally ushered us to the kitchen and let the servants carry our luggage to our rooms. She fed us like we were little children and told us dozens of stories till Eric yawned and knock his head on the table. She then led us to our rooms to let us rest and promised us a fun-filled day tomorrow.

My old room carried a familiar scent of nostalgia. It still looked like what it had been the last time I saw it, same arrangements and color. The bed was covered with new sheets which smell like violets and sea breeze. My favorite books still lined in my little bookshelves. My hand caressed the books aligned and stopped on a little black book without a title. I pulled it and a piece of paper fell on the floor.