Boundaries - Building Them and Protecting Them

Healthy relationships are defined by boundaries. Knowing where we start and another begins is essential in maintaining stability with another, no matter what their relationship to you is. They keep us from entering unsafe areas that qualify as a violation of our boundaries. All of this may seem confusing, so it's best to think of a boundary as an imaginary personal space bubble that protects us from others and from ourselves. When that bubble is violated, another person has tried to control the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices and values of another.

These personal boundary bubbles form naturally but are shaped by a number of elements like how our parents set rules, traumatic experiences, or being rescued from consequences of an action. Thus, the shape your bubble takes is based on learned behaviors. Healthy boundaries, which keep some form of separation between us and another person with whom we have a relationship with, have numerous benefits for both parties involved.

For starters, healthy boundaries define us as people. If we have no sense of separation from another, we lose that sense of self. It can also cause us to lose sense of reality in general. Also, they define our relationships with others. They can help us choose who is a good person with whom you want to have a connection to and who might try to violate us. A healthy boundary will help us to know how connected we are to the other person, thus keeping in the good elements and leaving out the bad.

Healthy boundaries can also assist us when things happen that are out of our control, such as another person violating our boundaries. They keep us from choosing to react badly, by yelling or cursing, and to take pro-action. If you have established boundaries with another and that person breaks those boundaries, this can give you a signal that you need to take action before things become too out of control.

Finally, healthy boundaries allow us to be free to make our own choices and to enjoy the differences in those around us. Their differences will become valued, and they will value the differences between you more. If you have no boundary and you attach yourself to another, you can lose your sense of identity. Thus, keeping a healthy boundary between will preserve individuality on both sides.

When you need to set a boundary with someone, do it clearly. Don't use anger or frustration and avoid rationalizing. You cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. You might hurt their feelings, but in the end remember that you'll be protecting both of you from further hurt in the future. If you're unsure if a boundary is necessary or not, look for signals such as anger, complaining, frustration with another, and feeling threatened, suffocated, or victimized. These emotions clue us into the fact that we have limits as individuals and we have to protect them. Often convincing ourselves that we have limits is more difficult than convincing others. Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries, while others may not be so happy with this. For situations where the other becomes angry with you, a support system outside of that individual is your best line of defense.

Most importantly, you must remember that setting boundaries isn't easy. It's an ongoing process of listening to yourself, respecting yourself and others, understanding your rights as an individual, and taking care of yourself. This is essentially why we need and must protect these personal boundaries.