Blended Families

Wendy looked out of the window to hide the tears welling up in her eyes, but not before I noticed! I did not bring it up that day or the next, expecting her to come forth with the problem. But since I saw the situation worsen, I had no option but to speak to her about it. The next day I booked a table at the nearest restaurant and sent Wendy an e-mail asking her to meet me there. We sat there in silence, when she finally told me the reason for the tears. She said "I am in love with a divorced man and he has asked me to marry him. The problem is that he has two children and I do not know how Roshan (her kid) will adjust to them. I am so worried." I just looked at her and then stretched my fingers to touch hers. We had our lunch in silence and then decided to take a walk through the park. It was in those twenty minutes that I shared with her everything I knew about how to have a close to perfect blended family. ....I knew I had succeeded with my family because I was her stepmother and she was confiding in me!

Blended Families

Blended families are best described as families where a child from a previous relationship is included in the family that is created by a new marriage. Blending families is always stressful for everyone, especially the kids as it marks the end of the original family that they knew. Major adjustments like new adults, new stepsiblings or a new home also add up in making kids upset, resentful and angry.

Stepparents also find it difficult to cope with the feeling associated with not being a parent and neither a total stranger. Frustration and even jealousy are two emotions that might emerge. At times like this, I am sure everyone could do with some help. Her are some tips to make the transition much easier for everyone.

Blended Families - Tips to Minimize Stress

• Avoid creating too many changes at once. You can do this by maintaining continuity with relatives, friends and neighbors.
• Make an earnest effort to spend some time alone with each child. Do this by setting aside some time each day to connect one-to-one. This will go a long way in helping them establish a sense of belonging and thus enhance their connection to the family.
• When talking to the children encourage them to express their feelings and empathize. Let them know how you feel, while making it clear that everyone needs to get along. Do not let them manipulate you into granting every wish of theirs.
• Discuss problems in family meetings and listen to each other without interrupting. Children often come up with very good solutions, so give them an opportunity to come up with their own ideas about sharing a room with a stepsibling or dividing time between both halves of the family.
• Do not force your stepchildren to call you mom or dad. Instead let them decide what they would like to call you. If they do not naturally settle on a name, talk to them and together decide on a name that you and the children are comfortable with.
• Avoid displaying anger towards an ex-spouse in front of the kids. Talk in private to settle your differences.
• Let the kids spend time with both parents and never use the kids as messengers.
• Let the biological parent have the leading disciplinary role. It is better if the stepparent plays an indirect but supportive role and defers to the biological parent.
• Try and aim for consistent rules in both households. Try and reach consensus on things like privileges, homework, dress and chores. This will help the kids adjust.
• Establish new traditions and maintain some current traditions and rituals. Try and look for uniqueness about your new blended family and build a tradition around that.
• While focusing on your family, remember not to neglect your marriage. Remember that a strong marriage will help you manage the challenge of blending your families together.
• Give your stepchildren enough time to get to know you better. Make an effort to nurture the relationship. Of course if you find that conflicts remain, it is advisable to seek family counseling.