What is Bereavement

Grieving takes place after any sort of loss, but probably most powerfully after the death of someone we love.

Although we will all grieve in different ways, common themes run through the process for the majority of people. The most common of all being time, grief cannot be hurried.

SHOCK: In the immediate time following the death, most people feel simply shocked, as though they cannot believe it has actually happened. They may feel like this even if the death has been expected. This sense of emotional numbness can be a help in getting through all the important practical arrangements that have to be made, such as getting in touch with relatives and organising the funeral. However, this feeling of unreality can become a problem if it goes on. Seeing the body of the dead person may, for some, be an important way of beginning to overcome this. Similarly, for many people, the funeral or memorial service is an occasion when the reality of what has happened really starts to sink in. It may be distressing to see the body or attend the funeral, but these are ways of saying goodbye to those we love. At the time, these things may seem too painful to go through and so are not done. However, this often leads to a sense of deep regret in future years.

RELIEF: It is not uncommon to feel a sense of relief, this is often associated with a long term illness where you have physically seen the person you love suffering. But can be for a range of reasons , you should not feel bad for feeling like this it will pass and allow other emotions to come through if you can accept it is ‘ok’ to feel some sense of relief

ANXIETY: Soon the numbness disappears and may be replaced by a dreadful sense of anxiety, or pining. There is a feeling of wanting somehow to find them, even though this is clearly impossible. This makes it difficult to relax or concentrate and it may be difficult to sleep properly. Dreams may be extremely disturbing. Some people feel that they 'see' their loved one everywhere they go - in the street, the park, around the house, anywhere they had spent time together. People often describe it as feeling lost. Nothing can make you ‘feel’ better during this, more often than not only time allows you to replace the anxiety.

This state of anxiety is usually strongest about 14 days after the death, but is soon followed by times of quiet sadness or depression. This rollercoaster of emotion can be confusing and exhausting for you and people close to you but is just part of the normal way of passing through the different stages of grief.

Even though the anxiety becomes less people often find that the periods of depression become more common up to approximately four to six weeks. Often the bereaved person will suddenly bursts into tears for no obvious reason. At this point people can feel like closing themselves off from the rest of the world, it can feel incredibly difficult to function when your mind is constantly thinking of the person you have lost. In general continuing with your normal routine can help you get through this very difficult time, but ultimately you will know what is best for yourself during this time.

ANGER: Feeling anger to others who you might deem to be even partially responsible is normal. Anger is usually born out of feeling out of control & frustration. There are occasions where anger is a very justified emotion and it can be a very overbearing emotion to deal with. If you feel you need help there are some very good bereavement organisations that can provide practical advice and emotional support

GUILT: What you should have said, should have done, should have prevented. Guilt is often associated with the word ‘should’ and is a belief system that we take on in our life’s without giving it much consideration as to whether ‘should’ is based in fact or fiction. Death is usually beyond anyone's control and a bereaved person may need to be reminded of this. Guilt is a common emotion even though this emotion is often based on unrealistic expectations; it is very real to the person and therefore can’t be discounted. It may be worth asking them if they did what they thought was best at the time.

These various stages of mourning often overlap and appear in different ways to different people. Most pull through from a major bereavement within two years. But grief is personal and completely different for each single person.

As time goes on these feelings fade but never go away entirely. Loosing someone you love who was completely individual means that you cannot replace them. Slowly depression clears, sleep improves and energy returns to normal. You become comfortable with the person not being there. Although you think of them often, you find you can do so without the overwhelming heart ache.

At festive occasions and anniversaries it can be particularly painful times and is when friends and relatives can make a special effort to be around. Most often just listening and be a shoulder to for someone to cry on.

People find many ways to remember the person they have lost, from Memorial websites to rooms kept exactly as they were left, everyone has a right to grieve in their own way.

It is important to allow people enough time to grieve and appreciate that people can never really know ‘how your feeling’.