Baptism by Fire...
A young adult's baptism by fire...
Mine is an ordinary Mom’s story…
I sent away my daughter to college in another country. It was a difficult decision. At that time I did not know if it was the right one, especially as my heart kept saying ‘No’. But, as we sat around the table night after night, talking about the next step, we thought this would be in her best interest. Miriam, my daughter, was so keen. She wanted to see the world. She wanted to reach the stars. She wanted to do so much. She would be stifled in the local college. There was nothing there for her; no opportunities; no chances; nothing new; no life, as it were.
She was tugging and tugging at my apron strings and heart strings, till finally they gave way…that night was the darkest night in my life. The very thought that I was sending away my daughter into the great unknown…..my mind blanked out. Had we prepared her enough? Was she tough enough? Would she be able to cope with the rigors of college life? Balance academics and outside-the-classroom life? Would she make the right friends? The questions and doubts came fast and furiously. My mind was a whirl and as for my heart….
We were not among the affluent category of people. We worked hard to have a family going. While we didn’t have luxuries, we were comfortable. We lived by a code and tried to be good members of our community and society.
Once the decision was taken, we all got involved in getting Miriam ready. There were a thousand things to be done, and it seemed as if the days were flying by faster than usual.
Finally it was time for Miriam to leave the family nest. We took her to college, helped her with all the admission formalities, and settled her into her room at the hostel. The House Mother was a lovely lady and assured us that our daughter would be safe and happy.
It was so hard to leave my little girl, for to me that is what she would always be: my little girl – the joy of my life, and the reason for my living…
The first year went by. Miriam did well in her academics. She was a good sportsperson, and shone on the playing field too. Her counselor gave her a good report and we were, oh-so-proud of our darling daughter. She used to write to us frequently and call us and we knew all her friends and all that she did. Slowly the pain of not having her physically with us eased and we started living her life with her…
Miriam came home after the First Year finals, and we had a wonderful holiday together. She went back rejuvenated and we got back to our work with light hearts, happy that we had taken the right decision after all, to send her to this college. We proudly enumerated her achievements to all our friends, and we were sure that things were going the way they should.
Till…
One day, out of the blue, Miriam’s house mother called us. I answered the phone. Was Miriam with us? She had left the hostel on Friday, saying she was going home, but would be back after the weekend, and today was already Wednesday…
Somehow I got through that conversation, reassuring the House Mother that probably there was some misunderstanding and that we would soon sort things out. As every mother knows, we would move heaven and earth to cover up for our daughters. I called all her friends and without letting on what had happened tried to get some information. Something obviously had been happening behind the scenes that we were unaware of. Was she in some danger? What could have gone wrong? Was someone trying to harm her? The mind threw up the direst of things…we were getting frantic. We just could not contact her at all anywhere. There was no point in rushing to the college. Miriam would surely contact us….we just had to sit and wait. The seconds would not move, and we forgot about everything sitting around the phone, waiting for it to ring…
Finally it did…I took a deep breath and answered. It was Miriam – relief, anger, hurt, rage, self-pity, embarrassment, joy – there was no emotion that did not flood my heart. I told her to wait where she was, and that we would come to get her. She sounded like a little child – bewildered and hurt. But I was so angry, that though I knew she needed my gentleness at this time, the thought uppermost was how could she do this to us…gradually of course that passed and all I wanted was to get my girl back.
However, nothing had prepared me for what I was about to face. Miriam had said she was in trouble, but my mind was so clouded, that I had not asked her what that trouble was…now I was confronted with it. Miriam was pregnant. Are you sure? I asked her, fighting to keep the panic, fear and rage out of my voice. She nodded. Gone was my sparkling daughter. This girl in front of me was a stranger – subdued, defiant, angry, hurt, sad, longing-to-be-in-your-arms-but-won’t-Mum girl. I took her in my arms…
First things first – she needed a good meal, a hot bath and a good night’s sleep. The morning would surely bring the answers. That night after putting her to bed, I spent praying. Gradually the anger, fear, and what-will-people-say, was replaced with love, protectiveness, and practicality…we were together and we would see this through…
Next morning, Miriam and I sat across the table – the same table we had spun her dreams on. Now we were spinning a new thread. I decided that we would have to address this problem with delicacy and pragmatism. I talked with the rest of the family. Everyone rallied around and wanted to help.
Only Miriam was the focus. How could we best deal with this…
So we started talking – about mundane things, and generalities, till I could feel the tension gradually oozing out of Miriam. I knew one wrong word would make her go right back into her shell and worse, become defiant. Neither would solve the problem. So very cautiously and as gently as I could I got the whole story out of her. My first reaction: I wanted to kill that boy. My next reaction: Thank God my daughter is safe and with me…I had to work from there…
Miriam had gone to a gynaec and found out that she was 2 months into her pregnancy. Thank God it was only 2 months. A difficult decision had to be taken. Should she go through with the pregnancy or abort? We looked at both conditions from all points of view. This was a decision my daughter would have to take…I could only hold her hand and be with her…I wished I could take away the pain. Periodically I railed at a fate that made this her first adult decision.
What was in favor of Miriam’s having the baby?
Her strong sense of responsibility: This was a mistake she had made, but she would take on the responsibility of that mistake. She wasn’t shying away from it, or blaming anyone, or wallowing in self-pity.
Her clarity of thought: She was clear in her mind that she wanted to know and do what was right.
Her strength of purpose: Since the father of the child did not want to have anything to do with her anymore, she had the strength to go through this alone –to take on the challenge.
She was bright, and though her taking time off to have the baby would mean absenting herself from college for a year, maybe, she felt sure she could do some of the courses from home. Many of her teachers, her own counselor too, were sympathetic and understanding. Miriam could talk to them and find the best alternatives.
Since her family was strongly with her, she felt she could take on whatever came her way. And she would find a way to keep going and bring up her little child.
And against?
Miriam had not even finished college, and she would be a single mother.
Miriam’s streak of independence would not allow her to be dependent on her parents or maybe leave her baby with them. Giving up her baby for adoption was out of the question.
So then, how would she bring up the child? She was not even a graduate. How would she earn her livelihood? A baby was an expensive proposition, how would she find the finances? What kind of life would she give the little thing? How would she cope?
Further, would Miriam be able to cope with the psychological and emotional demands of being a single mother? Would the little one be able to handle being the child of a single mother?
These were issues that had to be faced head on.
We assured and reassured Miriam that she was not alone in this….that we were totally committed to standing by her no matter what….
Miriam wanted to be left alone in her room. We made things as comfortable as we could for her. I cried as I had never cried before hearing her pace up and down, knowing that I had to leave my beloved daughter alone to allow her to deal with her pain…and her decisions…
I realized that the best thing to do would be to normalize our lives – good for Miriam and good for us…and that is what we did. All of us had changed…but we had become closer and more real in our love for each other. And all of us had grown…We realized how close we had come to falling apart, and were grateful that we had stuck by each other. All of us had become stronger. We would see it through, whichever way Miriam decided.
The sun came out once again, and we saw the beautiful rainbow…
I sent away my daughter to college in another country. It was a difficult decision. At that time I did not know if it was the right one, especially as my heart kept saying ‘No’. But, as we sat around the table night after night, talking about the next step, we thought this would be in her best interest. Miriam, my daughter, was so keen. She wanted to see the world. She wanted to reach the stars. She wanted to do so much. She would be stifled in the local college. There was nothing there for her; no opportunities; no chances; nothing new; no life, as it were.
She was tugging and tugging at my apron strings and heart strings, till finally they gave way…that night was the darkest night in my life. The very thought that I was sending away my daughter into the great unknown…..my mind blanked out. Had we prepared her enough? Was she tough enough? Would she be able to cope with the rigors of college life? Balance academics and outside-the-classroom life? Would she make the right friends? The questions and doubts came fast and furiously. My mind was a whirl and as for my heart….
We were not among the affluent category of people. We worked hard to have a family going. While we didn’t have luxuries, we were comfortable. We lived by a code and tried to be good members of our community and society.
Once the decision was taken, we all got involved in getting Miriam ready. There were a thousand things to be done, and it seemed as if the days were flying by faster than usual.
Finally it was time for Miriam to leave the family nest. We took her to college, helped her with all the admission formalities, and settled her into her room at the hostel. The House Mother was a lovely lady and assured us that our daughter would be safe and happy.
It was so hard to leave my little girl, for to me that is what she would always be: my little girl – the joy of my life, and the reason for my living…
The first year went by. Miriam did well in her academics. She was a good sportsperson, and shone on the playing field too. Her counselor gave her a good report and we were, oh-so-proud of our darling daughter. She used to write to us frequently and call us and we knew all her friends and all that she did. Slowly the pain of not having her physically with us eased and we started living her life with her…
Miriam came home after the First Year finals, and we had a wonderful holiday together. She went back rejuvenated and we got back to our work with light hearts, happy that we had taken the right decision after all, to send her to this college. We proudly enumerated her achievements to all our friends, and we were sure that things were going the way they should.
Till…
One day, out of the blue, Miriam’s house mother called us. I answered the phone. Was Miriam with us? She had left the hostel on Friday, saying she was going home, but would be back after the weekend, and today was already Wednesday…
Somehow I got through that conversation, reassuring the House Mother that probably there was some misunderstanding and that we would soon sort things out. As every mother knows, we would move heaven and earth to cover up for our daughters. I called all her friends and without letting on what had happened tried to get some information. Something obviously had been happening behind the scenes that we were unaware of. Was she in some danger? What could have gone wrong? Was someone trying to harm her? The mind threw up the direst of things…we were getting frantic. We just could not contact her at all anywhere. There was no point in rushing to the college. Miriam would surely contact us….we just had to sit and wait. The seconds would not move, and we forgot about everything sitting around the phone, waiting for it to ring…
Finally it did…I took a deep breath and answered. It was Miriam – relief, anger, hurt, rage, self-pity, embarrassment, joy – there was no emotion that did not flood my heart. I told her to wait where she was, and that we would come to get her. She sounded like a little child – bewildered and hurt. But I was so angry, that though I knew she needed my gentleness at this time, the thought uppermost was how could she do this to us…gradually of course that passed and all I wanted was to get my girl back.
However, nothing had prepared me for what I was about to face. Miriam had said she was in trouble, but my mind was so clouded, that I had not asked her what that trouble was…now I was confronted with it. Miriam was pregnant. Are you sure? I asked her, fighting to keep the panic, fear and rage out of my voice. She nodded. Gone was my sparkling daughter. This girl in front of me was a stranger – subdued, defiant, angry, hurt, sad, longing-to-be-in-your-arms-but-won’t-Mum girl. I took her in my arms…
First things first – she needed a good meal, a hot bath and a good night’s sleep. The morning would surely bring the answers. That night after putting her to bed, I spent praying. Gradually the anger, fear, and what-will-people-say, was replaced with love, protectiveness, and practicality…we were together and we would see this through…
Next morning, Miriam and I sat across the table – the same table we had spun her dreams on. Now we were spinning a new thread. I decided that we would have to address this problem with delicacy and pragmatism. I talked with the rest of the family. Everyone rallied around and wanted to help.
Only Miriam was the focus. How could we best deal with this…
So we started talking – about mundane things, and generalities, till I could feel the tension gradually oozing out of Miriam. I knew one wrong word would make her go right back into her shell and worse, become defiant. Neither would solve the problem. So very cautiously and as gently as I could I got the whole story out of her. My first reaction: I wanted to kill that boy. My next reaction: Thank God my daughter is safe and with me…I had to work from there…
Miriam had gone to a gynaec and found out that she was 2 months into her pregnancy. Thank God it was only 2 months. A difficult decision had to be taken. Should she go through with the pregnancy or abort? We looked at both conditions from all points of view. This was a decision my daughter would have to take…I could only hold her hand and be with her…I wished I could take away the pain. Periodically I railed at a fate that made this her first adult decision.
What was in favor of Miriam’s having the baby?
Her strong sense of responsibility: This was a mistake she had made, but she would take on the responsibility of that mistake. She wasn’t shying away from it, or blaming anyone, or wallowing in self-pity.
Her clarity of thought: She was clear in her mind that she wanted to know and do what was right.
Her strength of purpose: Since the father of the child did not want to have anything to do with her anymore, she had the strength to go through this alone –to take on the challenge.
She was bright, and though her taking time off to have the baby would mean absenting herself from college for a year, maybe, she felt sure she could do some of the courses from home. Many of her teachers, her own counselor too, were sympathetic and understanding. Miriam could talk to them and find the best alternatives.
Since her family was strongly with her, she felt she could take on whatever came her way. And she would find a way to keep going and bring up her little child.
And against?
Miriam had not even finished college, and she would be a single mother.
Miriam’s streak of independence would not allow her to be dependent on her parents or maybe leave her baby with them. Giving up her baby for adoption was out of the question.
So then, how would she bring up the child? She was not even a graduate. How would she earn her livelihood? A baby was an expensive proposition, how would she find the finances? What kind of life would she give the little thing? How would she cope?
Further, would Miriam be able to cope with the psychological and emotional demands of being a single mother? Would the little one be able to handle being the child of a single mother?
These were issues that had to be faced head on.
We assured and reassured Miriam that she was not alone in this….that we were totally committed to standing by her no matter what….
Miriam wanted to be left alone in her room. We made things as comfortable as we could for her. I cried as I had never cried before hearing her pace up and down, knowing that I had to leave my beloved daughter alone to allow her to deal with her pain…and her decisions…
I realized that the best thing to do would be to normalize our lives – good for Miriam and good for us…and that is what we did. All of us had changed…but we had become closer and more real in our love for each other. And all of us had grown…We realized how close we had come to falling apart, and were grateful that we had stuck by each other. All of us had become stronger. We would see it through, whichever way Miriam decided.
The sun came out once again, and we saw the beautiful rainbow…
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