Autumn Clairs Journal # 1
I'm starting a journal. The grammar is probably going to be horrible and my words are going to be jumbled but these are just my thoughts on my days. I've been very stressed lately and I feel like everyone is stealing my imagination. I don't know. I just don't feel whole lately. I'm sorry if it doesn't catch your attention,
Maybe the past to you is the past and should stay in the past but I have a heart and I can feel. I feel with my entire heart and I try not to hide things from myself. But, I'm not perfect. No one's perfect. I love my friends. I love myself. The things around me tend to be full of negative things. I can't help but being depressed and sad. My thoughts are no longer my own once I share it with the public. I can't hide myself anymore. My heart aches for the truth. I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone but my inner thoughts and feelings tend to be thought of as lies if I tell them out loud.
I've lately gotten into the habit of trying to impress people who I don't even care about or who I don't even like. I've gotten to be the impression of the girl who you shouldn't hang around. The one who you shouldn't talk to or anything. Maybe if I understood myself more I'd understand how I should probably care more about other people but I've been to consumed in my own problems lately that I can't even have the time to actually sit down and write out how I feel.
I feel like there' no point in trying to explain it anymore. I see it as a problem that will never be resolved anyway. I try to tell myself everything will be okay if I just talk about it. But I've been talking about it. I've been talking about it for years. Day months. No one listens to me. No one cares. No one knows. I try my best to tell people. I try my best to do everything right but lately I see no point.
I see no point in trying to tell people how I feel because it really doesn't matter. I try so hard to be the perfect little girl everyone expects me to be but in the end I'm just a girl who tries to fool everything.
In exact words I must be everyone's fool. Maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't try enough. I never know. I never understand what people are trying to say or what they expect of me. They don't explain well enough. My thoughts never matter. It's all about work. Where's the imagination? Where's the fun?
I don't know. Everyone lost it all. Everyone's all about work. Science, Math leave you with no imagination. But, I'm dead without my imagination. Stop ruining things for me. I can't live without my imagination. I feel so lost without my imagination. I need it to live. My heart used to reply on it so well. You ruined me. You took away my innocence and tore me to pieces. I never wanted to learn these things. You didn't even ask me what I wanted to be. You never said I could be an artist or a writer. Well, you did but in the end it was all childish things. Everything that came from my mouth were all child things. But, it doesn't matter anymore. You ruined my dreams. You ruined my imagination. You broke who I once was and now I'm irreparable. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to do art, I don't want to dance, sing, play guitar or write. I just want to sleep. I just want to die. I can't stand being told I'm just a child and I'll understand when I'm older. But truth is, you don't understand who I am and what I need. You don't understand that I don't want to do everything you're doing.
You don't get how I'm not you and how I don't want to work for the government. Or think things through. You don't understand a creative mind. you think I'm so childish and you think that I'll never understand. But there's more than one person here in this world. There's more than one person who can think of things to solve issues.
Just. Stop. Making. Me. Think. Like. You.
Stop hurting me. Stop it.
I hate you.
I've lately gotten into the habit of trying to impress people who I don't even care about or who I don't even like. I've gotten to be the impression of the girl who you shouldn't hang around. The one who you shouldn't talk to or anything. Maybe if I understood myself more I'd understand how I should probably care more about other people but I've been to consumed in my own problems lately that I can't even have the time to actually sit down and write out how I feel.
I feel like there' no point in trying to explain it anymore. I see it as a problem that will never be resolved anyway. I try to tell myself everything will be okay if I just talk about it. But I've been talking about it. I've been talking about it for years. Day months. No one listens to me. No one cares. No one knows. I try my best to tell people. I try my best to do everything right but lately I see no point.
I see no point in trying to tell people how I feel because it really doesn't matter. I try so hard to be the perfect little girl everyone expects me to be but in the end I'm just a girl who tries to fool everything.
In exact words I must be everyone's fool. Maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't try enough. I never know. I never understand what people are trying to say or what they expect of me. They don't explain well enough. My thoughts never matter. It's all about work. Where's the imagination? Where's the fun?
I don't know. Everyone lost it all. Everyone's all about work. Science, Math leave you with no imagination. But, I'm dead without my imagination. Stop ruining things for me. I can't live without my imagination. I feel so lost without my imagination. I need it to live. My heart used to reply on it so well. You ruined me. You took away my innocence and tore me to pieces. I never wanted to learn these things. You didn't even ask me what I wanted to be. You never said I could be an artist or a writer. Well, you did but in the end it was all childish things. Everything that came from my mouth were all child things. But, it doesn't matter anymore. You ruined my dreams. You ruined my imagination. You broke who I once was and now I'm irreparable. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to do art, I don't want to dance, sing, play guitar or write. I just want to sleep. I just want to die. I can't stand being told I'm just a child and I'll understand when I'm older. But truth is, you don't understand who I am and what I need. You don't understand that I don't want to do everything you're doing.
You don't get how I'm not you and how I don't want to work for the government. Or think things through. You don't understand a creative mind. you think I'm so childish and you think that I'll never understand. But there's more than one person here in this world. There's more than one person who can think of things to solve issues.
Just. Stop. Making. Me. Think. Like. You.
Stop hurting me. Stop it.
I hate you.
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