Autumn Clairs Journal # 2

I shaved my head on new years. I'm determined to start off to a new start with new friends. I've also been moved to a treatment center since my first Journal which is why I haven't been able to update this. I'm pretty bald. It's funny because people keep calling me crazy but I'm really not. I just need to figure things out. I haven't been going to school 'cause I'm stuck in a program called 'Day treatment' I don't really see it as 'treatment' but, whatever floats their boat, right? I've been put in this center 'cause I was afraid of my actions and I began scaring myself. I got myself addicted to cutting my wrists open. The feeling just sent me on an adrenalin rush and it felt nice. I have issues with this. It's creepy but the way it feels? Watching the blood flow out of the cuts calm me down. I was also put for suicide watch.

I wasn't going to kill myself I just jokingly said I was going to kill myself to my friend and she panicked and called the Crisis unite on me then the next thing I knew cops were at my dads door step telling me to tell them it was a lie and that I was alright and all this other crap. God, I hate this so much but then new years came, I decided that I was done with all of this crap of being negative and being completely obsessed with my own issues and trying to balance me and my friends on my shoulders. It felt like the entire world was on my shoulders but ever since I made the decision to put myself first I've been feeling a little less natious when people with depression or angry people come around. I'm starting to be my own person and figure myself out and it's making me figure myself out quite fine. I've decorated my room to dedicate how I felt. My room is pink, a very comforting tone and was exactly what I needed when I moved into the center. I have three guitars that I play every night and I've also been working on songs that help me describe how I feel.

It helps a lot. I've created a lot of art projects that I've taped to my wall and I've also made posters to remind myself that I have to be happy, respectable and that I'm amazing, wonderful and a caring, loving person. I keep forgetting who I am because my mind keeps focusing on who I should be and not who I am. I'm confused often with this. I brought all of my teddys and I sleep with them above my bed. It's comforting to hug my teddy bear cause I haven't been getting hugs lately. If I had a cat, I'd be set. I love cats. But yes. With me figuring out myself? I've written a little introduction to you guys about me. Tell me how you like it. It's just the beginning of a new chapter in my life and I still need guidance. I'm looking to you guys for a little help. Here it is.
My introduction to me so far :

My name is Autumn. You can call me Clairbear if you want. Give me a nickname for all I care. Haha. :) I'm really friendly. Just looking for friends. I have a passion for art, music and literature. I love jamming out on the guitar and singing a few notes and a few words to make people feel better. I hate seeing a baby cry. It makes me feel like the whole world might crash. Kids are amazing. I found out that I'm really incredibly creative, passionate, caring, loving and basically just misunderstood. My favorite times of day is when the sun is shining and there's frost on everything. I love the cold. Fall is my favorite season along with spring. I love sweaters, blankets, pillows and sitting under a tree, reading a book with a spring nearby is what I think of when I think of my happy place. I love sweaters and blankets and pillows and sitting under a tree reading a book with a spring nearby is what I think of when I think of my happy place.

Kids and animals make me smile and make me feel happy inside cause of their pure innocence. My family means a lot to me even though they don't really get me or me them. I'm in love with arts and crafts. Painting is my specialty. I love making get well cards, thank you cards, I love you cards for people in my life. I prefer making things for people rather than buying them stuff. I'm not looking for a lover. I'm looking for friends. People I can rely on. People who'll love me even though I make horrible mistakes. But that's who I am. I have to learn from the past or the past will continue repeating itself. I'm only human. These things take time. I'm taking my time. I'm finally learning to walk again. That's who I am. I am Autumn.