As I Put the Bird to Sleep With the Wind

I never thought of myself as the type that would off themselves. Yet here I stand in front of my own vanity mirror. I'm doing my make up even though I know that makes no sense. I mean why do your make up when you're about to go? You can't cover up sadness lines with make up, it only makes them more evident. The raven lines that run down the cheeks; so obvious looking, so sad. Violets on the lids only accentuate the look of death. It took me months to figure out how to do it. Months.... Days.... So many hours to perfect my plan. To write my one last letter. But then again I'm still here putting on makeup; accentuating my depression. I haven't always been a mess. Really, I haven't. I used to be beautiful... Loved. It all changed though. In one heartbreak. One dream crushing moment.

I was 18 years old, can you believe it? I was gorgeous then; skinny and pure. Innocent. I had friends and all the guys loved me. I had healthy glowing vibrant rose hair and pink cheeks. Bright emerald eyes that bared my soul to the world. I hid nothing and loved everything that lived. Earth was amazing. The Universe was amazing! I could smell the lilies and trees and I loved nature. Everything brewed life.

I met a guy at a party with friends and he was somewhat different. He wore these dress pants the color of dead leaves with suspenders and these odd colored button downs. He always seemed to walk with a cane and swing it around in a circle. He was mysterious and intriguing. He was also laughed at. But for some odd reason he still entertained me despite all my friend's comments. His name was Brian.

I can't help but laugh and smile at this one moment we shared together.
"Hey come with me to the park." Brian smiled as he walked backwards down the hallway with me behind him.
I shook my head smiling, "Why?"
"Because it'll be fun. Just trust me." Brian grabbed my hand with books in the other and pulled me out of the doors to our school.

I had no idea where I was going. I only knew it was gonna be fun. Or so he said.
"It's beautiful outside don't you think? Hear the birds?" Brian smiled as he closed his eyes and looked up.
I kept walking behind him until he turned to me, "Come on, close your eyes and peer up. Listen."

I closed my eyes after shaking my head like he was full of non-sense and peered up. I listened to the world around me. It was full of music. Natural music. Bird's lyrics in front of the wind's melody. The leaves rattled. The birds sang. It was beautiful. That's when I truly appreciated nature.

I loved Brian. He was the one person who understood me. The only one to make me see the world for what it was without corruption. We watched movies together and sang together. He played guitar as well as a bird can sing with the wind. He was like the wind and I the bird. He was the love I had been waiting for. My man. Husband.

When college started I was studying to be a psychiatrist. I wanted to help those in the world. Those who had issues who were corrupted by the world. Brian was studying to become a musician. We lived in a one bedroom apartment in the vicinity of the school.
I was home typing up a thesis when he called me out to the balcony. The sky was raven colored and full of tiny specs of silver.

"Emily, come look!" Brian called from the porch.
I smiled and got up and went to the balcony. I found him with the telescope pointed to the specs.
"Come see this. It's beautiful." Brian smiled widely as he held the telescope in his hands.

I shook my head as always and stepped forward and bent to peer through. I saw a comet shoot through the sky until something took me away from the vision. It was shinier than any comet or spec. It was gorgeous.
I looked up from the eyepiece to see him on one knee, "It's beautiful." I smiled trying not to get too emotional.

"I love you so much. I couldn't imagine anyone better than you. You sing like a bird and have a humongous heart. I can't think of anyone I'd want to spend my life with. Have children with. Be by. I love waking up and seeing your beautiful face. Will you marry me?" Brian smiled up at me holding up the gorgeous ring.
Rivers ran down my cheeks as I nodded and he slipped it on my bare left finger. He picked me up joyful and swung me around while kissing my puffy pink lips.

I peered down at my empty finger, remembering. More useless makeup gone to waste down the cheeks. I guess love doesn't always last. Sometimes fate has something else in store. And with all fate... you can't run from it. It's like death. It always finds you.

Brian stuck by my side for years. We even got married. But it couldn't stop the inevitable. Couldn't stop the headlights. The shattering glass. Shimmering on the asphalt. Like diamonds falling from the sky. Guessing nothing ends like a fairytale in the corrupting world.

I became a psychiatrist, but lost my job after a breakdown on a client. Guess I didn't take the loss of Brian well.

So here I sit putting on makeup to mask my loss. My sanity. I laugh, I guess I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't live without you. Like you said you couldn't without me. When your soulmate dies, it's like a part of you dies too. After all a song isn't a song without the bird when the wind dies. There is no song at that point. No soul. So I sit and put a knife to my wrist and say goodnight to the specs of light in the raven sky. As I put the bird to sleep with the wind.