Are You Suffering From SPS?

I am always surprised at some of the subjects boffins dig their teeth into. It turns out that, for the past 60 years – at various times – scientists have been carrying out research into the size of the male penis.

After 60 years – and God knows how many million dollars – this is what they have come up with. When is comes to penises, length matters more to men than to women. About 90 percent of the women polled actually preferred a wide penis to a long one. Only 55 percent of the men were satisfied with the size of their organ, whereas 85 percent of the women had no problem with it.

For you guys, who obsess about the ‘lil fella’, don’t feel bad. It’s not your fault: you’ve got a disease. It’s known as SPS, or Small Penis Syndrome. I’m not making this up – honest.

One study team in Britain came to this conclusion. "The issue of attractiveness to women is complex, but most data suggests that penile size is much lower down on the list of priorities of women, than such issues as a man’s personality and external grooming." Got that, you Neanderthals?

The studies also deflate a few other myths about male genitalia. For example, the notion that penis size varies according to race, is false. So you white guys can stop feeling insecure. Also, there is no truth to the premise that older men tend to have smaller penises. Rock on, grandpa!

Let’s get back to SPS, also known as ‘locker room syndrome’. One study suggests that SPS often begins at an early age. 63 percent of men with the disorder said that the anxieties started with childhood comparisons, often to older siblings and fathers. Message to dads – keep it corked when junior is around. 37 percent of SPS sufferers blamed erotic images viewed during their teenage years. Dang, but it was fun.

The review also supports recent studies that find penis-enlarging devices rarely live up to their promise, but can, in some cases, provide a "psychological uplifting effect." ‘Uplifting’ – don’t you just love science speak?

So what’s the cure for SPS? According to the geniuses, ‘the initial approach should be a thorough urological, psychosexual, psychological, psychiatric assessment; possibly with more than one clinician involved." Yeah, right! I can just picture my HMO paying for that. Get real, guys.