And I Am Not Scared Anymore

Everyone of us has these little demons that we carry inside ourselves... our own personal hell, right here on Earth. Some find it very easy to get over theirs. They just go grab a chocolate bar, or catch up with a friend and gossip... Some take longer. They make lifestyle changes - get up and go for a jog early morning everyday; avoid going to a particular street or park... And then there are those few people who just go on living each day of their lives with their personal hell right in their wallets and bags.

I happen to belong to the last category - or so I thought.

I hate eating alone. It is the saddest thing anyone can ever be required to do. And I hate it because I went through a rough patch back in school when I used to eat my lunch alone every single day.

No I am not trying to gain sympathy when I tell you this. I am merely stating a fact!

I have long gotten over feeling miserable about eating alone. There was a time when the mere thought of eating alone used to spring tears in my eyes almost instantly. I have, however, settled down now.

But sometimes you just wonder if it is ever going to go back to being the way it was before... if you are ever going to forget how you hurt someone... if you are ever going to get over someone... You feel like you have. You feel like everything is fine, you are back! It doesn't feel weird at all. And then you notice that one tiny thing, that one minute detail. And you are back to where you started.

But something very different happened to me today.

The few people from my workplace who I hangout with were all carrying lunch today, and I was the only one who was going to eat outside. They all tried to convince me to pack something from a near-by restaurant, but I was too lazy to go alone and pick up something, then come back and have it with them. I decided to go out for lunch and catch up with one of my friends over the phone. I hadn't spoken to him in a long time, and we had both been trying and failing to talk to each other for the past few days.

So I reached the restaurant and placed my order. I went and sat at one of the tables and called up my friend. And just a few moments into the conversation he said he had to hang up and that he would call me in a while.

My order arrived.

I ate it.

I paid.

I left.

And he never called.

I texted him with a sad smiley. He replied with an apology, saying he was with a friend he hadn't met in a really long time. After exchanging a few more texts, I left the restaurant. And in the few-minutes-long drive from the restaurant to my place, a small but deep realization hit me.

I had not, even for a jiffy, felt sad or weird or alone throughout my lunch!

It felt so good to realize that! In fact, it felt so good that I actually got myself a chocolate bar and celebrated.

Sounds crazy, doesn't it?

But just think of it - wouldn't you be better off without your little demons?

Sometimes we tend to hang on to things and make them stay longer than they are destined to be in our lives; longer than they should at all be in our lives. Sometimes we just get so used to feeling a certain way about a particular thing that we don't give ourselves a chance to get over, to move on, to change. We get so habituated to things being a certain way, that we cannot even imagine them being different.

But sometimes all it takes is to have one lunch alone to get over your little demon.

I will admit that I did feel bad about my friend not calling me - especially when he knew I don't like eating alone. But at the same time, I am kind of glad he didn't. And in retrospect I realized that my having felt bad about it was nothing to do with having had to eat alone - it was to do with me not being able to talk to him when I really wanted to; which is to say I had already gotten over feeling bad about eating alone a long time ago! Only I had not realized it until today.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is - sometimes it is best to refresh your mind and clear all the cache, cookies and browsing history of the past; even delete the bookmarks maybe. Sometimes some memories are nothing more than just an unnecessary bookmark. You don't visit that page now, but the presence of that bookmark won't let you forget that you once used to. Today I also kind of realized how using your diary merely to document the goings-on of your life is a bad idea. Not that I do it, I am just stating it! Yes writing about something helps you get sorted and get things out of your mind. But keeping a diary merely to say "Oh this guy looked at me today I am so happy!" is crazy!

Sometimes the smallest of the things have the power to turn your life around, if only you will let them. I found one that changed me - and I hope you find one that will do you good too.