Anchor or Risk

"No, don’t… Rickeeeeeee" I screamed again and again until, in despair, I sank to my feet with my right hand grasping at thin air. He was gone and I was alone except for the vast Indian Ocean and the occasional seagull.

I’m sure you are wondering who I am. Well, it is pretty simple, if not obvious. I am Kajol, the protagonist of his story, that is, if the author ever makes up her mind as to what this story is about. While she’s doing that, let me tell you about myself.

I live on the beautiful north coast of Durban. Gosh, but that sounds like a contestant in a beauty contest. Well, I’m afraid that that is exactly what I was. From a very young age I had been pushed into beauty pageants and beauty commercials, not because I was stunning or gorgeous but because it had been my mother’s dream. My mother was all I had, as my father had deserted us when I was five years old. Not that I minded, for when he was around my mother was never happy. I could never understand how a smart, beautiful, charming woman like my mother could fall for a snake of man like my father. Thus, if there was any beauty in the family it was my mum. I was just ordinary – brown hair, brown eyes with a healthy figure (not too thin but not too fat either).

Unfortunately for my mother, by the time I turned eighteen I found not only did I have a body and a face but a mind as well that wished to explore the depths of humanity. Fortunately for me, my mother recognizing my stubborn streak as her own, finally relented and let me go to the University of Natal, Durban.

I can remember so clearly the three years I spent on campus completing my BA degree. It was the most exhilarating and emancipating roller-coaster ride of my life. All these new doors of opportunity opened up for me as I discovered love and friendship without the choking hold of worrying about what they wanted from me and what I could get from them. We, that is Anil, David, Jack and I, were inseparable during my campus days. I know it sounds strange three guys and a girl being best friends but we were. I don’t know why, I just know that we enjoyed each others company so I didn’t question, I just enjoyed our friendship. This story, however, is not about that most precious period in my life (well, what do you know, it seems our author has just woken up with a story).

This story begins, the year after Kajol graduated. The year her mother tragically passed away in a car accident involving Kajol, her mother and Sachin. (My God, how casually this author kills off my mother and…Hush Kajol). After completing her BA degree Kajol had decided to take a year of from studying and to travel the world instead. She was on her way to the airport with her mother on a cold, rainy, winter’s night in Durban when the car in front of her braked and skidded resulting in a collision between Kajol’s car and Sachin’s car. If the accident had ended there then Kajol’s mother would still be alive and who knows how different Kajol’s life would have been. (Well, you’re the author, let the accident end there…Now, now Kajol we can’t do that so kindly deal with it and stop disturbing me).

However, as it happened a drunken truck driver who crashed into the passenger’s side of Kajol’s car exacerbated the accident, killing her mother instantly. (We could make this really interesting and say it was Kajol’s dad who was the driver…but I better not, otherwise Kajol’s mum won’t be the only dead person). Kajol was left unconscious and if it had not been for Sachin’s quick thinking and acting she may very well have died. He pulled her out of the car just before the car and truck exploded. Fortunately, there weren’t any other cars around and the rain limited the fire from spreading (it was raining pretty hard). Kajol, however, was oblivious to all of this.

She woke up two days later to find herself in Parklands Hospital, alone in this world, or so she thought. As her eyes grew accustomed to the light in the hospital room she saw a tall man standing across the room looking through the window. As she stirred, he turned around and moved to her bed, soothing her with soft sounds. Still fuzzy and unclear, Kajol accepted the comfort and went back to sleep. Poor child, if only she could have foretold the future but if she could have we wouldn’t have a story.

After two weeks in the hospital, Kajol recovered enough to move home but Sachin would not hear of her staying alone. Kajol said she would call a friend, Anil, David or Jack who had all come to visit her in hospital and empathize with her but Sachin convinced her that these men had their own lives to live and they were not necessary when he was willing and able. During her stay in the hospital Sachin had visited her every day and had comforted her enabling her to slowly come to terms with her mother’s death. Kajol, never knew that he had prevented Anil, David and Jack from seeing her because he had wanted Kajol to become dependant on him, which she did.

I think the author has said enough but she has not explained how I felt and what it was to wake up in that hospital and to know that I was completely alone, an orphan and then to think that maybe I could have prevented the accident. The ifs and why plagued me but Sachin’s presence was a God-send. He made me feel loved and cared for and he made me see that it was not the end of the world, even though my friends could not spare the time to see me very often, Sachin could and did. Everyone needs an anchor, someone who makes the world seem safe, someone to comfort and love them and I had lost mine, my mother, but Sachin seemed to be willing to be my anchor, my safety and I clung to him. I thought Sachin was my safe harbor, an innocent sheep but my weakened state of body and mind failed to recognize him for the wolf in sheep’s clothing that he was. I, thus, allowed Sachin to take over my life, not realizing that he was isolating me from others, especially my friends so that my whole world began to revolve around him.

Poor Anil! (Now what is this author up to? ….Wait and read Kajol). The man was in love with Kajol and had been from the very first moment he had seen her but Kajol was oblivious. She failed to recognize the warmth and care as love, preferring to believe that they were good friends. Jack and David had tried to tell her and Anil had suggested it but she refused to accept it and kept insisting that they were just friends. If you ask me (and mind you nobody did) Kajol was just afraid to lose his friendship (and she thought Jack’s and David’s as well) if it did not work out so she refused to risk loving him. But Anil had not given up, he was waiting for her and it was a cruel joke when he saw how Sachin was taking over her life. He tried to warn her but she refused to see.

I remember that conversation with Anil. It was a month after the accident and Anil came to visit me at home. For once I was alone, Sachin was out and Anil had come straight to the point: "Kajol, how much do you know about Sachin?"

"I know he loves me and he wants to take care of me…What more do I need to know?"

"Kajol, be reasonable. He could be a con-artist, for all you know. I understand that you are feeling vulnerable but there is no need to turn to a stranger. I am here for you."

"Yes, Anil, you are here now, but where you when I was in the hospital. In the two weeks that I was there I only saw you once…Sachin came every single day."

"But Kajol we were told not to visit you and tire you out."

"By whom?"

"The nurses."

"Well, they let Sachin in so don’t make excuses. If you had really wanted to see me you would have found a way, Sachin did!"

"Kajol, don’t you think that is a bit suspicious. This guy, out of the blue, is now suddenly your best friend and within the space of a month he claims to love you."

"Why, don’t you think a guy can fall in love with me?"

"Kajol, that’s not what I meant and you know that. Everything just seems to be happening so fast. Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"Promise first."

"Okay, I promise. Now tell me what I have promised to do."

"That you will think before you do anything rash and if you ever need anything you will call me no matter what."

"Anil, that’s two promises…but yes I will keep them and ..thank you, Anil."

"Kajol, remember you are not alone. You have David, Jack and me and we all love you."

"I know that but its nice to hear because I love you guys as well but you better get going before all this mush stuff makes me cry."

"Bye Kajol…see you soon."

And he was gone. Kajol never heard the words he mumbled as he closed the door:

"Kajol, I love you and I always will," but Sachin heard them and the two of them had a whispered argument outside Kajol’s bedroom. The result, Sachin walked into Kajol’s bedroom and proposed to her.

"Kajol, I know this is sudden but you must know the depths of my feeling and I cannot live without you. Please, will you marry me?"

"But Sachin we…"

"I know there are a thousand reasons why we should wait but darling I want to love you now. You know how fleeting life is. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Let’s grab the moment and live and love."

Kajol so caught in the moment forgot her promise and spontaneously said yes.

She mistook gratitude for love and opted for safety rather than take a risk. She knew that with Sachin her heart was not really involved but they were compatible, he loved her and she cared for him. Her mother had married for love and her marriage had been a complete failure, so she decided to marry Sachin because her heart was safe. But you know what they say, marry in haste, repent at leisure. But Sachin gave her no chance to stop and think, within the week of his proposal they were married at the Justice of the Peace, without a pre-nuptial agreement.

Look here Ms Author, I didn’t need a pre-nuptial agreement. I trusted Sachin and I don’t much care for your analysis of my feelings either. I loved Sachin, it was not just gratitude. He was my life, my anchor and that is why I said yes to his proposal. I must admit the haste of our wedding surprised as I was not able to invite Anil, David or Jack, but at the time his haste seemed romantic. How was I to know that the reason he was in such a hurry was so that I would not be able to speak to any of my friends who had had him investigated? They discovered on my wedding day that he was a con-artist, a man who preyed on vulnerable woman but how was I to know this (unlike you, I am not omniscient). I did, however, know that he treated me with love, respect and …

I can’t understand protagonists these days. You try and write a story and every time you make some headway they butt in to add some emotion, some depth to the story, as if an author is incapable of managing this on her own. Anyway where was I…Ah ha, I had just told you that Kajol had married Sachin without a pre-nuptial agreement. Kajol, although she may have thought of herself as indifferently pretty, was actually quite striking as a child and even more so now with her high cheek-bones, honey brown eyes and natural reddish brown hair, not to mention her petite hour-glass figure and innocence that radiated from her soul. Thus, Kajol had amassed a small fortune from her beauty contest and television commercial days. It would appear then that Sachin didn’t just want the pretty package of Kajol he wanted her money as well.

Kajol and Sachin got married but even before the honeymoon started Kajol was confronted with the real man who was nothing like the man she married. The first thing he did was to put Kajol’s banking account on his name so he could have access to the money. He then went on a shopping spree for himself, buying a sports car, which he told Kajol was a wedding gift to himself. (Never mind the fact that he hadn’t bought Kajol anything). As for their wedding night, he got drunk on two very expensive bottles of champagne but managed to gratify his sexual desire with simple, straightforward no-love-nonsense sex. Poor Kajol, a great way to experience the joys of marital bliss and she was not such an innocent not to realize that something was wrong but she refused to believe it. She made excuses for his behavior and defended him because if she didn’t she would have to face reality, face the fact that she had been wrong and that she had made a mistake. She couldn’t do that so instead she gave up her dream of becoming a psychologist and went back to modeling so that she could support Sachin’s lifestyle of the rich and famous. After two years of this hellish marriage Kajol became pregnant.

I have to admit that hanging onto my marriage to Sachin was pretty idiotic but I believed I could change him; I could make him the man who had wooed me. There had to be a part of him that cared for me and I thought I could tap this part by showing him how much I loved him. When I became pregnant, I was truly excited for I thought this would bring out his loving nature and we could be a family. It didn’t work. He seemed angrier than anything else: "You stupid bitch, how could you let yourself get pregnant? How are you going to work, you fool? Do you thing we can support a kid without money?"

Then he tried cajoling me into having an abortion. He tried to convince me it was for the best but his words; his abuse had finally allowed me to see him without my rose-tinted glasses. As my pregnancy progressed Sachin got more and more viscous, even violent. I think he wanted me to have a miscarriage and that thought finally removed the golden haze of rationalization and justification. Sachin had never hit me while I modeled because he knew it would damage my income and his lifestyle, but there was nothing of the sort to prevent him from hitting my child. I had to leave him because there wasn’t only me to think about anymore.

Unfortunately Kajol had left it for too long. They had been married for three years and all the money she had once had and had earned had been sneakily used by Sachin to feather a nest of his own. When she asked him for a divorce, he laughingly agree, knowing that in her pregnant unemployed state she could not, literally, afford to leave him. But Kajol had finally grown tough emotionally and not just mentally and she knew she could rely on herself – in the past three years she was all she had had. She could not go to her friends because she was too proud to admit her mistake, especially to Anil so she had learnt to be her own safety, her own anchor.

She managed to get a job as a housekeeper until the baby was born. This allowed her to save money to rent an apartment after the baby was born. For the first six months it was awful, especially cleaning up after someone else but nothing deterred. Once the baby, her son, was born, however, she had to leave the housekeeping job and could not get an office job because there was no one to look after her son, Ricky, and all she knew how to do was model. When Ricky was six months old she started her modeling career again. Fortunately for her, she got some lucky breaks and she was able to keep Ricky with her during her shoots.

It was such a hard decision to leave Sachin, especially since I was worried about how I would cope without money and being pregnant but I knew if I did not leave him now I never would. So, I gathered my belongings and left. I was really lucky to get the housekeeper post but my boss, I soon learnt gave me the job because she liked the idea of having a model clean up after her. When she learnt I was pregnant she was mad because she could not work me as hard as she wanted. In fact, she was so mad that she wanted to fire me but I convinced her that a pregnant model was more prestigious. After thinking about it she agree to let me stay on until after the baby was born but not a day longer.

My experience with giving birth was extremely painful and finally they (the doctors) decided to perform a Caesarian section because my hips were too narrow and the baby could not get out. Hence I don’t remember much about the actual birthing process but I remember the moment they placed my son into arms. It was the greatest and most awesome moment of my life. I had created a life but I and I alone was responsible for the safety of that life. Knowing that made getting into the modeling business again easy. Now I had a goal. I did not just want to model, I wanted to open a modeling agency but first I needed to establish myself as a model, who could make it even in the dying moments of her career (I was twenty-seven, old for a model). However, I realized I could not do it on my own and I could not go to Anil so I went to Jack and asked him to invest in me.

Jack, however, mentioned it to Anil and he came to Kajol’s rescue like a knight in shining armour. Kajol, being the stubborn fool that she is, (I resent that remark Ms. Author) said no until Jack pointed out that even if Jack wanted to help her he could not (he had to worry about his family and money did not grow on trees). Anil, however, had the money and no family. Finally Kajol relented and she opened her modeling agency, Sweethearts, the day Ricky turned three years old. Within a year Sweethearts was a success and Kajol could relax as her money problems became a problem of the past but just when she thought it was okay, Sachin returned to haunt her.

Fool that I was, I had walked out of our house thinking that that was the end of it. I had, thus, not filed for a divorce and Sachin wanted a piece of Sweethearts, which he would have been able to get if Anil had not had the foresight to make her sign a contract in her maiden name stating that the business was hers and hers alone.

Sachin did not take kindly to this and retaliated by suing for custody. Then that failed he tried to kidnap Ricky who was about four years old by this time. This brings us full circle to the beginning of this story with Kajol calling out to Sachin not to take Ricky.

What kind of an author is this? She so coldly reports that Sachin (a man with violent tendencies) kidnaps my Ricky, my son and leaves me sinking into the sand in despair. Well, I’m very sorry but if I saw Sachin or anyone else taking my baby away I would run after him, I would hunt him to the end of the world. I would not sit in the sand in despair like a wilting Victorian wallflower.

Oh, very well then. Ricky and Kajol were on Cassarina beach enjoying the beautiful summers day when Sachin appeared. He walked up to Kajol and Ricky, shoved Kajol onto the sand and grabbed Ricky, heading towards his car. Our stunning protagonist, not being a Victorian wallflower, scrambled onto her feet and gave chase but she did not have to run far. Anil had followed Sachin to the beach (he had had an investigator investigate and watch over Sachin – the investigator had found out that Sachin was going to try and kidnap Ricky so Anil had kept a watch over Sachin’s movements, himself). Anil had stopped Sachin in his tracks.

You know, our wonderful author seems to think that I, as a woman, am incapable of stopping Sachin, but never mind, I am just relieved that I have my son back, regardless of who and how it was done. I must admit though I particularly enjoyed watching Anil punch Sachin’s face. As I watched Anil calm my son, I admit it felt good to be cared for and protected as Anil caught my gaze and silently asked if I was okay.

Naturally, after Sachin’s attempt at kidnapping he was found guilty and sent to prison, where I hope he will have a long stay. I just hope my son never has to deal with him one day but I really don’t have to worry because my son has the perfect role model, Anil, to teach him right from wrong.

As for Kajol, well she has the perfect husband, Anil. A man who has loved her from the day they met and if she has any sense she’ll hang on to him for all she’s worth. Lord knows I would because Anil was better than an anchor or safety net, he was a partner in the union of marriage and he loved Kajol, wholeheartedly and completely. Kajol loved him too and perhaps she had always loved him but had been too afraid to take a chance, especially if the consequence meant she ended up like her mother. Life, however, is all about seizing opportunities and Kajol had learnt her lesson. I hope you have too!!!