An Elegy Not For Mark

You have died a thousand deaths,
For him.

So grave a wrong
Was committed -- unintentionally --
Though the pain it caused
Is not dimmed by outrage,
Nor silence;
Neither by the sense of loss
Occasioned thereby.

There is no solace
In justice, and anguished,
You lie awake –
Staring.

You stared -- seeing nothing --
And grieved the rite
Through which you passed
Into manhood.
You grieved for words still unsaid,
For loves still not found,
For the questions left unanswered.

You grieved for undreamed dreams;
For ghosts yet to be conquered.
You grieved for the good times -- yes,
Even good books, or movies at that! --
That you will have to miss.

You grieved over the fact
That you had to grow up
This way, this painfully.

We may not see each other again.

At least, not like before --
When we could pass the hours, freely,
At the Tambayan, or eat lunch --
Late -- at the Law Center
Or the Beach House.
Can you now play
The Game of the Generals --
Or chess -- with the brods?

Not while crying. Not inside.

So you will not have to cram
The exams, after all.
Not anymore, since
You may not graduate.
Not now; maybe not from UP.

And so you grieved.

There was more than one death,
For a thousand dreams died with him.

There is faith reborn, yes --
Even selves found -- but
Desolation surrounds.

You are trapped -- as we are --
In solitude as in togetherness.
So you are pained.
As we are pained
Right here, right now.

Perhaps, it will forever hurt.