An Apple A Day... (Part 2)

I opened my eyes. It was dark. I felt my body moving, but at first I couldn't tell what was happening to me. I felt something clamped firmly around my right ankle. Suddenly, I realized that I was being dragged from my bed and into the living room. I cried out, but the hand remained clamped around my ankle and the dragging continued. She dragged me into the living room, then turned with a nasty belch and headed back into my room, slamming the door behind her. I heard her whale-like body collapse heavily onto my bed and then two minutes later, the snores that erupted from her sinuses shook the floor beneath me.

I lay, motionless on the floor, staring at the ceiling and feeling the rage start to grow inside of me.

When the first rays of sunshine shot over the horizon and into my living room window, I was still awake. My face was red, my eyes bloodshot, and my temples throbbing. I rose from the floor and walked to the bathroom to freshen up. I had a big day planned.

Later that morning, my mother burst from my room, looking like a ghastly troll and filling my apartment with a stench like a rotting cadaver. I said nothing about the incidents from the previous night, but instead acted pleasantly towards her and even cooked up some breakfast.

"Good morning mother!" I said with a beautiful smile. "I hope you slept well in my bed. I just wanted to say that I'm starting to see this visit in a whole new light and I think we should cherish this time we get to spend together!"

"What's the matter with you?" my mother grumbled, dried crust in the corner of her beady eyes, "Give me something to eat."

"Of course, mother." I said cheerfully as I handed her a plate full of eggs, sausage, and potatoes. "Eat up! And then get dressed and ready because I have something I want us to do today!"

"Oh, shut up." She said callously, shoveling food into her mouth like a messy farm beast. I thought of her on her hands and knees, covered in muddy filth, eating slop from a trough and chuckled.
She finished her food in a matter of minutes, ate seconds (which just happened to be my portion), and then stomped off to the bathroom to get dressed, heinously passing gas as she went. My eyes watered and suddenly I felt fortunate not to have eaten anything.

Half an hour later, my mother appeared from the bathroom, wearing a sundress that looked more like a tent, covered in red polka dots. Lipstick was smeared messily around the gaping hole that was her mouth and she smelled only slightly better than she had when she'd exploded forth from her putrid lair (my room) earlier that morning.

"Well? I'm ready! Where are we going?" my mother yelled. Her lack of volume control infuriated me, but I stuffed the rage back into my stomach and smiled.

"We're going on a picnic, mother." I replied. "Let's be on our way!"

I didn't wait for her to say anything else before I stepped out of the door and headed towards my car. I could hear the ground shaking and her wheezing breath as she followed. I opened her door and forced her inside. She squawked and resisted but I caught her off balance and forced the door shut. Fortunately, she was too fat to reach the inner door handle, or she would've surely escaped.

"What are you doing, you stupid boy?!?!" my mother shrieked, her voice stabbing through my eardrums. "Let me out this minute so I can beat some sense into you!!!"

"No, mother, I think not." I said calmly as I hopped into the driver's seat. "Just settle down. Those eggs you ate should be kicking in any second now."

My mother looked horrified, but I could already see her eyelids getting heavier.

"Wha... How... How could you do this to your own mother, you worthless child?" she groaned, her voice losing it's irritating volume. She said something else, but I couldn't understand what it was and the next thing I knew, she was snoring.

An hour later, I was speeding down a dirt road in the country. I glanced over at my mother, who was blindfolded, and laughed heartily as I finished my beer and threw the bottle out the open window. Amazingly, her snores had even drowned out the engine of my car. They were growing softer now though, so I knew she was close to waking up.

Just then, a shriek filled my automobile and I felt the axles rock back and forth violently. She was a awake.

"What in hell are you doing with me?!?!?! Why can't I see anything?!?!" My mother raged, "You'll pay for this!!!"

"Mother! Mother, calm down!" I said soothingly. "This is all part of the surprise. You're blindfolded because where I'm taking you is a surprise. I would've thought this would've been blatantly obvious to you."

"What??? It's a surprise? What kind of surprise?" She seemed to be calming down for a second.
But only for a second.
Then she erupted again. "I can understand the blindfold because you didn't want me to see where the surprise is, but did you really have to tie my hands behind my back!?!? LET ME OUT!!! GOD DAMNNITTTT!!! BLEAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!"

She trailed off into a series of ear shattering and incoherent screams. The smell of fresh feces filled the car and I heaved, but kept my cool.

"Yes. I did have to." I stated matter-of-factly and turned the radio up. It was playing some ridiculous pop song, but I didn't care as long as it took my mind off those screams. Which it didn't. I gulped down the rest of my beer and turned off the road, driving through a long row of trees.

"Almost there, mother." I said under my breath.

I pulled my car under a tree and stopped abruptly, hurling her head into the dashboard. Another long string of profanity-laced screams ensued.

I hopped briskly from my automobile, slid over the hood on my rump like some television action star, opened the passenger door, and heaved my mother out onto the ground. Then I scrambled back inside and swiftly closed the door. I rolled my window all the way down and yelled at her with glee in my voice.

"Hey mother! You can take off the blindfold now!!"

"I CAN'T YOU JACKASS!! MY HANDS ARE STILL TIED!!!"

She continued saying something else ridiculous, but I interrupted her with a burst of hearty guffaws.
Then, I peeled out, showering her with dirt and rocks, and sped away from the apple orchard, biting into a crisp apple with a perverse grin and enjoying what I'd been missing.