An Alpha Male Jesus

Guns aren't evil in and of themselves. Most of our neighbors in this neck-of- the-woods are gun owners. Great guys. The world being the way it is these days any nation that wants to play in the big leagues needs the big guns. Unfortunate though it may be, sometimes confrontation is unavoidable.

What gets to me though is the way Christians, especially of the evangelical persuasion, bring Jesus into their war plans as a sort of heavenly Commander-in-Chief. Why do they imagine Jesus would want to have anything to do with waging war?

I'm not a believer, but from what I know of the historical Jesus (assuming there was one) - he wasn't the type of guy who gave high fives and waved the flag in order to hype any type of crusade.

The crusaders marched under a red cross that became a symbol of power to their enemies. That cross wasn't the Golgotha cross, it was the cross of Christian triumphalism. Jesus wasn't into triumphing over his enemies. He was into turning the other cheek.

Fundamentalist evangelical preachers, try to create a fusion between Jesus and their brand of proselytizing gospel hype. They co-opt the Galilean and make him their front man in the war against militant Islam. Is that a place he would want to be ... I mean the actual guy himself, not the trumped up southern Baptist version?

From what this unbeliever knows of his gospel, there is no way. Only in the dreams of those determined to make it so.

Maybe those keen to co-opt Jesus in the name of their crusades should invent a whole new Jesus and write a whole new gospel. That way they wouldn't have to deal with the obvious contradictions between what they preach and what Jesus of Nazareth is reputed to have said.

They could have a big pumped guy from Galilee, sort of like Chuck Norris with a deep tan. This savior works out when he's not preaching by doing a few K's along the shores of the Sea of Galilee. He sports a brush cut and a neatly trimmed goatee, rather than the classic hippy look. He has a few tattoos that add to his street cred in and around Bethlehem.

This Jesus is the southern Baptists 'dream Jesus'. An alpha macho saviour who will set all the cheese eating surrender monkeys straight.

Check it out - no girly walk for this Jesus ... no he walks like the Terminator ... kind of a slow lumbering gait. His eyes flash and his voice is deep, like Paul Robeson. This is a Jesus you don't mess with.

As he walks among the adoring multitudes he passes along pearls of wisdom ...

"He that is not with me, is an Al Qaeda loving liberal."

"Blessed are the rich in investments, for theirs is the kingdom of Donald."

"Invade and ye will find. Toss a grenade and the door will open for thee."

This mega-Jesus doesn't merely turn stones into loaves and fishes - he turns them into hamburgers and fries with side orders of coleslaw. He doesn't just overturn the money changers' tables in the temple ... he uses Kung Fu on them and takes out fifty in a matter of minutes. He doesn't just walk on water, he water skis ... in his bare feet!

Back on the trail he is never short of power words and motivational sayings - kind of like a buffed and inspirational CEO.

"It is more blessed to pre-empt than to receive."

"Whosoever comes after me, let him pump himself up, take up his semi automatic and follow me."

"Don't forgive, kick ass."

"Blessed are they who have nukes, for they shall inherit the kingdom of earth."

"Judge and point the finger, lest ye be accused of being cheese eating surrender monkeys."

So long as this fictional version only remains a hypothetical, crusading fundamentalists are left with the original. According to the New Testament, the original didn't much appreciate being misrepresented.

In Mathew's gospel we find the following sobering comments attributed to Jesus ...

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord', will enter the kingdom of heaven ... many will say to me on that day - ' Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'. Then I will plainly tell them, ' I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers!".

I have a hunch that the folks who co-opt a version of Jesus as partner in their political crusades, are about a good mile wide of the mark.