A Story - Why Did I Invite You to My Life Last Night

Why did I invite you to my life last night? Was it just to show you how much I've suffered from pain and strife? Why did open my door? Was it to welcome another day of you using me and to say you don't want me anymore?

Why did I allow you to share my bed? Was I beginning to have thoughts of what it feels like to be amongst the dead? Why did I invite you to my life last night?

The years have gone and all I have is bottles of medication with dreams and thoughts of my funeral walk to destination. Why was my nature and lust so high until my physical brain digressed and relapsed into stand-by? Why did I not think? Why did I not think? Why did I invite you to my life last night?

I lay with you seeking fulfillment and hope - chased by windy emotions of days which put me in a mindless choke. I trusted the natural act of un-protection as it related to us. Oh how we shared in love through every exciting senseless thrust. I had no conscious of tomorrow or the outcome of my health. Was I insane? I allowed myself to be free while you were having relations with me. Why did I invite you to my life last night? Why didn't you remind me that I had divorced my spiritual spouse? My ‘carnal’ spiritual spouse and I should have have stayed together. It is written, because of what I did that spirit will never allow us to come together.

If I were guided by my spirit I could have controlled all those superstitious illusions that have left a trace. I've left a trace for the useless, inconsiderate spirits of life to take advantage of my mind, body and soul. I was that spirit! We were that spirit. We didn't think any better! We were lost in the moment.

We were both lonely under the impression that loneliness has levels of status as it relates to our selfish needs.. We both had feelings of self-denial. We should have been true to ourselves, but instead we chose to begin the process of eliminating ourselves. I’m to blame for my actions! I cannot fault anyone for desiring not to live from the head down and not the feet up.

Is it your fault? No, I can't blame you. You were caught up in The game of who's zooming who!

I know why invited you to my Life last night! I consciously failed to listen to my spirit. I shut-down thoughts of all logical spiritual doctrine. I totally betrayed my daily walk and acknowledgment of knowing Christ! I was a buffoon to lust. I was driven to be with you. It was an insane choice to be unsafely spiritual with you. My actions were inspired - but it was not the cause of all the days of neglect, and ridicule I had experienced emotionally.

To this day, certain aspects and memories of that era still haunt, and taunt my existence. Yet, I go on! I thought being with you would take away and secure all the pain I'd previously felt. I had these feelings before you arrived in my life last night. I invited you out because I knew I was the shit. I even felt like the other side of shit. I knew ‘shit’ I talked ‘shit’ I dumped ‘shit’ I experienced ‘shit’ I was the ‘shit’. Ain’t that some shit?

I experienced freedom! I touched independence! I thought no one could tell me what the to do. I was moved with being horny, I lived the essence of being sexy, and in the end I felt nothing. I’m empty and I feel like a thorn without a rose.

Our night is over and I’ve felt nothing, but illusions constantly controlling my mental. On the night of my late conversion of awareness, well, see, I’d always known in my body what I’d discovered. I didn’t want to accept the fact. I remember seeing the word ‘fear’ on the bath cloth in which I cleansed myself.

My conscious, it was on a roller coaster really not knowing where it would stop. The soap on my rag washed and smelled like pain. It had the scent of runaway useless sex. It lingered in the room even when the atmosphere had changed.

I begin to lather myself by sub-consciously trying to rub an open wound of despair. The mirror that displayed my body made me feel like the steps of a school bus. I felt trampled in spirit, body and mind.

I was forcing my body to look at me. Although, I appeared physically attractive my carnal spirit convinced my body to feel otherwise.

The same night he came in night as I returned to the bed my choice of destruction still lay. I thought quietly inside if this will be a dual funeral 'scene' of lying down to slip into unconsciousness. Yes, unconsciousness - for I could never sleep with that spirit upon me. I would forever have daily unconscious nights. I'd even notice the atmosphere in the room it began to photograph my future. I lay there with both colt 45's (guns) mentally in my left and right hand aimed at me. I saw all the days of turmoil that were beginning to enter my life. I had neglected my spirit by inviting you to my life last night...

Jesus, I ask for forgiveness. Don't let this rule against me on judgment day. What's done is done and time will only give birth to the end.

I know that all beneficial spiritual feelings need exercising and development. I chose to stray from this by acknowledging and mentally giving an award to the flesh in my body I got on stage and I accepted destruction.

I realize there are talents given through the works of other spirits that are not good for the mind, body and soul. We sometimes daily allow these spirits to control us.

A foreign spirit of such can never adhere or know the language of the given spirit from GOD. God is our example of love. The spirits of lust and sexual fornication among many others to quietly name a few. These spirits should never complete flights of guidance and dominion in your life. God is love.

That love must be received and expressed in his way! God's love is not affiliated with self-attained thoughts. His love gives to one another in every way.

It doesn't matter who you share it with. It's simple. His love is so simple! We choose to love who loves us. If you don't believe me ask David and Jonathan.

I'm ok now because my life has hope. I know why I invited you to my life last night. I was weak and I was spiritually 'worn'. I could not see the essence and the strength of God's love. I'm happy that my night has turn into day. After I consulted the father for his forgiveness made possible by Jesus.

I'm certain that in spite of my past, present and future ... If I grow in grace and continue in the will of God which is love the only will for us. I know that I will reign with Jesus someday.

Jesus Attitude Is The Bomb! (I love him so much)

This Joy I Have,