A Soul Within a Heart - Days 1 to 5
Based on true events Warning MA+ 15 (This story's timing is shortened from 4 years to a few days, some things may not 100% be in order).
Day 1 - Death I feel as if it's a walking being
When I look in the mirror, I feel insecure and all I see is ugliness but then I look depressingly at myself closer and see the scar I made due to the ongoing thinking of my putrid ugliness that never seems to end. This is one of the days when I start to realize the pain, the suffering, the agony and cuts made by my own hand with a knife's doing. I hate the way that I look, I hate the way that I hate myself. All that I am and all that I do, words such as 'hate' isn't even a strong enough word to use. On my hands are cuts because I try my best to hide them; cuts on my ankles I cover with clothes, on my face well make up I guess, on my leg deeply I cut help this scar may never heal. My friends aren't the friends I thought they were. Some turning to drugs, sex, smoking and alcohol, most turning away from me, saying things like, "you're no fun no more", just shows me really who is here to help me, who is here to stay with me even through the hard times. On this horrific day, I believed and thought no one could help me through this. The suicidal thoughts, cuts due to unexplainable tormenting pain within myself, stress, headaches, depression which in the end acts like cancer also known as the thing that suck the life out of you. Walking as if death has hit me, as if day by day my breath was being stolen, taken, swiped away from me due to my own mistakes, my own choices made in my life.
It's hard to show joy from within myself, yet I may be able to have the strength to hide my pain but it soon became hiding what I have become. When someone came out to try reach me my breath, my speech cannot be heard, but within myself, I'm screaming for help, yet on the outside, I hide my pain as if like a person on fire trying to hide the flames with a blanket. Even at night the flames come up like vomit through my soul, as I scream within my soul, my body is drowning in my tears. My sleep is not found due to excessive weeping and morning, my artistic skill is wasted endlessly on pictures focused on death or morbid images. And to make it worse, I am tempted further to cut more and try to hide my cuts and pain but the final aspect that particularly sucked the life right out of me was in my mind repeated continuously. God hates you, he hates you, he will never forgive what you have done, you are worthless, nobody in this world will ever love you, not even your family.
Day 2 - A day when I say who have I become, Who am I?
I have to ask myself a question why do I wake up every morning just to be tortured, to uncontrollably keep crying at school, who can I talk to, who can I trust, my friends have forsaken me. I hate who I am and all that I am, my family doesn't understand in my way of thinking of them. I feel as if everyone I value and care for has forsaken me, I feel as if they hate me, I have always been a loyal friend to all my friends, friends before boyfriends, I never talked behind their back badly, I never started stupid things for no reason. Why are my friends not hear for me! Well, the ones I thought were friends, they wouldn't even call me to see if I'm okay. As I sit in my room after school day by day, calling people asking for help. Silence is all I heard nothing at all no help nothing. More and more each day, I became something I hated more, who was I, what have I done, every day got worse, nothing would satisfied me, nothing would cure my pain within. When I went out forward during the day joy had been gone, my good old days of laughter and happiness are far from me.
The next thing I know is that I'm thinking of thoughts such as these, "My life is stuffed up so much that nothing I do today can make it any less or any more of a living hell," these words I soon realized are dangerous words to even think of or act upon. All of a sudden, I'm watching my best friend who was beautiful and innocent who is getting drunk of her face looking for cigarettes and hooking up with people around me. If that couldn't pain me anymore she was getting high with my other friends in front of me. Well, I sit there in pain crying and crying, then my other good friend is drunk asking to hook up with me. I say no, but it's not like that was the worst. I done horrible things like with guys that I'm ashamed of, but virginity wasn't one of them. When I got picked up the next day, I was disgusted with myself. Day by day I throw myself at guys looking for love, questioning who will love me for me and not reject me, being called names doesn't even help one bit but like I said nothing could even make my living hell a worse hell right.
Day 3 - Is life worth living anymore?
Day three is the day where I realize so far I have been rejected, hurt, ditched, called names, I'm constantly depressed. I've wasted 4 years of my life looking and begging for love from boys and no one on earth has helped me get out of this living hell.
The aggravating school bell rings, I walk home depressed as usually. I'm sick to my stomach about my depression and my life, suddenly I made one of the most stupidest decisions of my life so far, I did eny miny minie moe in my head with the decisions of two horrible mistakes that no one should do at all, because it's they are the most selfish things I can think of, they were, run away from home or walk into a car/truck. My thoughts landed on run away from home, so it's exactly what I did, first thing when I came home I took twenty dollars from my piggy bank and legged it out of the house told no one. I then went to the place where I was going to go and I set up my house which was under someone's house. I then made a brick wall out of brick, I found in their side yard to make me feel homier, to keep the cockroaches or other things out and the items such as the sleeping bag, I grabbed from the pile outside someone's house that was up for grabs, the pillow, the massive teddy bear all from the same pile. As I cry silently through the night, I woke up coughing due to my asthma, it was a scorching hot day and I felt guilt all over within myself but I was planning to stay longer, until this man who lives in the house saw me sneak out and told me to leave, but he offered to call the refuge or someone for me but I said it's ok I'll go home now.
Day 4 - The Day I returned home
In the scorching heat, I walked home as I had nothing to say to my parents. As I walked through the front door, my mum said what any mum would say, "Where have you been, we looked everywhere for you last night, we called the cops, we were so worried about you." I said I ran away because I thought you all didn't love me, then sadly my dad drove me to the police stations to show that I was ok. My parents told me that if I ran away any longer I would have been on the news as a missing person, the next part was harsh yet the whole time I was thinking I deserved it. As I sat in the lounge hearing what all my family had to say to me, all they ended up doing was screaming at me. They had no other way to express the way they felt, I would have done the same if I were in their position but it doesn't mean that it helped the pain within myself. Last time I check yelling at someone who just practically flipped a coin in their head, between suicide and running away is not such a good idea, to make it worse I really love my dad but my sisters started to yelling. Well, crying at me saying, "How could you do this to dad, he cried tears, he never cries tears", at this point I'm sitting in the lounge unable to cry because the pain is so bad that my emotions can't even cry them out. No words were coming out of my mouth, all I could do there is sit there and absorb more and more pain, as if it were eating me like death itself, after the dramatic chat in the lounge, the guilt in me didn't help me one bit. I went to the toilet, breathed in toilet spray gas within my lounges with a towel, so that I could get to sleep for the first night back.
Day 5 - Where is love in this world?
So far I have thrown myself at all the guys, I can possible think of that would even take me, my life is lived with no love. All I know is that I hate my life, I hate! I hate people, I hate my family, I hate the way I look, I hate way I have no friends, I hate the way I have no life, I hate that nothings has cured my pain, I hate that I have to get up tomorrow, hatred is the word I use to most, and the more I hate the more hatred eats me from within myself.
As I lie in my bed at night crying excessively and uncontrollably with massive stress headaches I go through all that people have said. All they have done, all I have done, and the torment carries on! And on! And on! The pain is unbearable, as I get up and take my hot shower to try see if that helps me from stop crying. Something ells gets me started again. As I look at my long mirror in my small bathroom, I see my hideous reflection which then follows me crying again. As I sit down in my shower, I take some scissors and begin cutting and cutting gruesomely into my leg. As thoughts torment me, do it, don't do it, stop it, keep going. I give in and cut HELP into my leg, yet I cry out in my soul aloud help me GOD, help me someone.
When I look in the mirror, I feel insecure and all I see is ugliness but then I look depressingly at myself closer and see the scar I made due to the ongoing thinking of my putrid ugliness that never seems to end. This is one of the days when I start to realize the pain, the suffering, the agony and cuts made by my own hand with a knife's doing. I hate the way that I look, I hate the way that I hate myself. All that I am and all that I do, words such as 'hate' isn't even a strong enough word to use. On my hands are cuts because I try my best to hide them; cuts on my ankles I cover with clothes, on my face well make up I guess, on my leg deeply I cut help this scar may never heal. My friends aren't the friends I thought they were. Some turning to drugs, sex, smoking and alcohol, most turning away from me, saying things like, "you're no fun no more", just shows me really who is here to help me, who is here to stay with me even through the hard times. On this horrific day, I believed and thought no one could help me through this. The suicidal thoughts, cuts due to unexplainable tormenting pain within myself, stress, headaches, depression which in the end acts like cancer also known as the thing that suck the life out of you. Walking as if death has hit me, as if day by day my breath was being stolen, taken, swiped away from me due to my own mistakes, my own choices made in my life.
It's hard to show joy from within myself, yet I may be able to have the strength to hide my pain but it soon became hiding what I have become. When someone came out to try reach me my breath, my speech cannot be heard, but within myself, I'm screaming for help, yet on the outside, I hide my pain as if like a person on fire trying to hide the flames with a blanket. Even at night the flames come up like vomit through my soul, as I scream within my soul, my body is drowning in my tears. My sleep is not found due to excessive weeping and morning, my artistic skill is wasted endlessly on pictures focused on death or morbid images. And to make it worse, I am tempted further to cut more and try to hide my cuts and pain but the final aspect that particularly sucked the life right out of me was in my mind repeated continuously. God hates you, he hates you, he will never forgive what you have done, you are worthless, nobody in this world will ever love you, not even your family.
Day 2 - A day when I say who have I become, Who am I?
I have to ask myself a question why do I wake up every morning just to be tortured, to uncontrollably keep crying at school, who can I talk to, who can I trust, my friends have forsaken me. I hate who I am and all that I am, my family doesn't understand in my way of thinking of them. I feel as if everyone I value and care for has forsaken me, I feel as if they hate me, I have always been a loyal friend to all my friends, friends before boyfriends, I never talked behind their back badly, I never started stupid things for no reason. Why are my friends not hear for me! Well, the ones I thought were friends, they wouldn't even call me to see if I'm okay. As I sit in my room after school day by day, calling people asking for help. Silence is all I heard nothing at all no help nothing. More and more each day, I became something I hated more, who was I, what have I done, every day got worse, nothing would satisfied me, nothing would cure my pain within. When I went out forward during the day joy had been gone, my good old days of laughter and happiness are far from me.
The next thing I know is that I'm thinking of thoughts such as these, "My life is stuffed up so much that nothing I do today can make it any less or any more of a living hell," these words I soon realized are dangerous words to even think of or act upon. All of a sudden, I'm watching my best friend who was beautiful and innocent who is getting drunk of her face looking for cigarettes and hooking up with people around me. If that couldn't pain me anymore she was getting high with my other friends in front of me. Well, I sit there in pain crying and crying, then my other good friend is drunk asking to hook up with me. I say no, but it's not like that was the worst. I done horrible things like with guys that I'm ashamed of, but virginity wasn't one of them. When I got picked up the next day, I was disgusted with myself. Day by day I throw myself at guys looking for love, questioning who will love me for me and not reject me, being called names doesn't even help one bit but like I said nothing could even make my living hell a worse hell right.
Day 3 - Is life worth living anymore?
Day three is the day where I realize so far I have been rejected, hurt, ditched, called names, I'm constantly depressed. I've wasted 4 years of my life looking and begging for love from boys and no one on earth has helped me get out of this living hell.
The aggravating school bell rings, I walk home depressed as usually. I'm sick to my stomach about my depression and my life, suddenly I made one of the most stupidest decisions of my life so far, I did eny miny minie moe in my head with the decisions of two horrible mistakes that no one should do at all, because it's they are the most selfish things I can think of, they were, run away from home or walk into a car/truck. My thoughts landed on run away from home, so it's exactly what I did, first thing when I came home I took twenty dollars from my piggy bank and legged it out of the house told no one. I then went to the place where I was going to go and I set up my house which was under someone's house. I then made a brick wall out of brick, I found in their side yard to make me feel homier, to keep the cockroaches or other things out and the items such as the sleeping bag, I grabbed from the pile outside someone's house that was up for grabs, the pillow, the massive teddy bear all from the same pile. As I cry silently through the night, I woke up coughing due to my asthma, it was a scorching hot day and I felt guilt all over within myself but I was planning to stay longer, until this man who lives in the house saw me sneak out and told me to leave, but he offered to call the refuge or someone for me but I said it's ok I'll go home now.
Day 4 - The Day I returned home
In the scorching heat, I walked home as I had nothing to say to my parents. As I walked through the front door, my mum said what any mum would say, "Where have you been, we looked everywhere for you last night, we called the cops, we were so worried about you." I said I ran away because I thought you all didn't love me, then sadly my dad drove me to the police stations to show that I was ok. My parents told me that if I ran away any longer I would have been on the news as a missing person, the next part was harsh yet the whole time I was thinking I deserved it. As I sat in the lounge hearing what all my family had to say to me, all they ended up doing was screaming at me. They had no other way to express the way they felt, I would have done the same if I were in their position but it doesn't mean that it helped the pain within myself. Last time I check yelling at someone who just practically flipped a coin in their head, between suicide and running away is not such a good idea, to make it worse I really love my dad but my sisters started to yelling. Well, crying at me saying, "How could you do this to dad, he cried tears, he never cries tears", at this point I'm sitting in the lounge unable to cry because the pain is so bad that my emotions can't even cry them out. No words were coming out of my mouth, all I could do there is sit there and absorb more and more pain, as if it were eating me like death itself, after the dramatic chat in the lounge, the guilt in me didn't help me one bit. I went to the toilet, breathed in toilet spray gas within my lounges with a towel, so that I could get to sleep for the first night back.
Day 5 - Where is love in this world?
So far I have thrown myself at all the guys, I can possible think of that would even take me, my life is lived with no love. All I know is that I hate my life, I hate! I hate people, I hate my family, I hate the way I look, I hate way I have no friends, I hate the way I have no life, I hate that nothings has cured my pain, I hate that I have to get up tomorrow, hatred is the word I use to most, and the more I hate the more hatred eats me from within myself.
As I lie in my bed at night crying excessively and uncontrollably with massive stress headaches I go through all that people have said. All they have done, all I have done, and the torment carries on! And on! And on! The pain is unbearable, as I get up and take my hot shower to try see if that helps me from stop crying. Something ells gets me started again. As I look at my long mirror in my small bathroom, I see my hideous reflection which then follows me crying again. As I sit down in my shower, I take some scissors and begin cutting and cutting gruesomely into my leg. As thoughts torment me, do it, don't do it, stop it, keep going. I give in and cut HELP into my leg, yet I cry out in my soul aloud help me GOD, help me someone.
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