A Pit-E-Full Scenario

Time changes so many things. There are those who now claim, "forty is the new twenty" and "pink is the new black." Of course folks cultivating these superficial one-liners are mostly forty-something women who refuse to dress their age. That is not my point. You see I work with dogs not fashions. I foresee a time when pit bulls will be the new lap dogs. After all, American laps are getting bigger.

Widening waistlines are not my only justification for this pitiful prediction. I offer several scenarios as evidence. But before I begin my case you’ll need to meet three of Best Friends Animal Sanctuaries pit bulls. They’re nicknamed the Lodge Goddess Three. "Lodges" refers to the area of the sanctuary where these gals are housed. The goddess part is another story.

Pandora - according to Greek mythology Pandora was the first mortal woman and had very little will power (much like myself).

Hera - named after the Greek goddess of marriage and motherhood. (Wow! Did she ever get the short end of the goddess stick.)

Ophelia -a name most famous for being a fictional character from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet. (Note: Ophelia went a tad crazy before the final curtain, also much like myself.)

You may wonder, if only one dog is named after an actual goddess, why do we call them Lodge Goddess? I have no idea. Luckily, that is also not my point.

These lovely pit bull deities all came from the same hoarding situation at a young age. They bare a strong resemblance to each other. Each has a whimsical fantasia-style name. They’re all at the lodges. And, to add more confusion, to this day their cage cards each still show the image of a black, dumpling sized pit with round puppy eyes.

This once seemed very odd to me. After all Best Friends has a Cage Card Photographer Extraordinaire on staff. (That is my way of cleverly covering up the fact that I can not remember her name). We’ll call her CCPE gal.

So one day good ol’ CCPE gal turns up at Lodge Headquarters. As always she asked, "Nola, do any of your dogs need new cage cards while I’m here." I explained that three of the pit bulls still had baby pictures on their cards. CCPE gal immediately rattled off their names (show off). "Is it Pandora, Hera and Ophelia, she asked. Ah yea it is, I babbled in shock. That is when CCPE gal made the following ironic statement:

"I can’t get decent photos of those dogs. They’re too friendly and keep running up to kiss me before I get the shot."

Mind you CCPE gal is a pro. That all these dogs are black (an armature photographer’s nightmare) was not an issue. The problem was the mighty muse of American whiners – pit bulls – were too loving to capture on film. This is a major qualification for becoming a living laptop. To this day we still have baby pictures outside these dog runs.

Smoozing passing paparazzi is not the only reason I believe pities will assume their rightful position on American’s large-n-lazy laps. Let’s face it, not all of us want a dog that can fit into our glove box. Who wants to pop their missing pet from between there toes twice a day? Not me. Pit bulls run a nice range of medium/small to medium/large. That to me is a happy medium. For many visible canines are just safer to live with than a dog that can get lost inside a sneaker.

Historical trivia also supports the advantaged of larger dogs on furniture. I once hear that the band Three Dog Night got their name from an Australian Aborigines tradition. It was said that the Aborigines gauged the temperature on cool nights by the number of Dingos they needed to keep their bed warm. A one dingo night may have occurred in early fall. A three dog night was the historical equivalent of turning the electric blanket to high. It’s a very cool story, if not the least bit accurate.

No doubt possessing a three dog lap is an unhealthy, yet worthy, goal. There are worse ways to live. Take, for example life in a world full of Breed Specific Legislation, suppressed individual freedoms and mass euthanasia of family members based on Nazi-worthy paranoia.

Anyone who believes they are qualified to speak against a pit bulls right to live should be required to pass these challenges. First hold my small terrier on your lap for 90 seconds without getting bit. Afterward there must be no whining for Old Lady Dog Specific Legislation. Then, take a good photo of each of the Lodge Goddesses Three. If that doesn’t change your mind, grow up and get a real perspective on life. I dare you.

It’s true. As an animal handler I rarely dress my age or even my gender. All careers have hazards. But if pities as lap dogs become the next great trend it’s one bandwagon I am happy to hoist my expanding American waistline upon. In fact, my next hot pink, 2XL, low-cut, t-shirt will read: Save a pit bull – eat more ice cream!