A Love to Remember - Chapter 12

Jane.....

I had given much thought about leaving Fred forever. I tried telling him that I was dying but he wouldn't listen to me or didn't think about it even for a second just because he didn't want to hear about death. And when I told him that I would be leaving to my apartment in a few days I could see how sad he became on hearing that. That was what I never wanted. If I was away from him, maybe he would marry Steffy or any one else. Fred was always in his room since his wound was taking a lot of time to heal. I didn't want him to be like that and he was already talking about going into the rodeo soon after his leg was fine. On the other hand, Steffy helped me to look after Fred and she was quite a friendly person.

On a cool sunday morning, I went to the local church and I saw Fred's mom sitting and crying throughout the service. I wondered what was wrong with her. After the service, she didn't make a move to go home, so I decided to walk to her and inquire what was wrong.
"Mrs. Flores" I called her and she looked up with tear stained eyes.
"Oh Jane. How are you?" she said wiping her tears as I sat next to her.
"Am fine" I said and before I could ask her, she continued.
"I heard Fred met with an accident. How is he now?" she asked her voice wobbling as fresh tears collected in her eyes.
"He is not able to walk with so much pain, but otherwise he is fine" I said smiling at her lightly. "why are you crying?" I asked before she said anything.
"I-it's nothing" she said wiping her tears again. I couldn't press her to tell me but I could definitely give some comforting words. "Whatever it is, it'll just be fine" I said squeezing her arm lightly.

"That will never be fine Jane. I have been carrying my guilt for the past twenty years and am not able to tell Fred about it" she said crying harder.
"I don't understand what you are talking about" I said looking at her. "Is it anything about Fred?" I asked and she nodded blowing her nose into her handkerchief.
"I know I haven't been a good mother to my son, but I couldn't help sending him away. I want to tell him that I love him more than anything in this world, but he would never believe. And I tell you he doesn't know how his father died till now. He thinks it was all because of the Rodeo, but it was my fault he died" she said and paused to blow her nose again. I was confused at what she was telling since everyone told some other story about Fred's father's death.

"Today is Adam's anniversary. I so much want Fred to tell the truth, but I couldn't muster up courage to tell him. Will you tell him the truth?" she said looking at me pleadingly.
"If you want to get away from your guilt, I guess you should do it yourself" I said trying to talk her to tell Fred herself.
"You know your husband very well. he will shout at me if he sees me today" she said closing her eyes.
"I'll help you tell him" I said and got up. "Come with me. Put all the burden on God and just come. Sure Fred will understand whatever it was" I said waiting for her to come. She hesitated for a long time and then nodded her head. I could see how much she was scared to do it.

We walked home and I saw Steffy doing something in the kitchen. When she saw me, she just smiled and continued with whatever she was doing. I made Mrs. Flores wait outside Fred's room and went in. Fred was staring outside the window lost in some thought, and I called him five times to get his attention.
"Someone is here to see you" I said smiling at him lightly and he frowned.
"Who?" he said looking outside the french window again.
"Your mother" I said slowly.
"What? his head turned to me so fast. "Why is she here?" he shouted.
"I brought her since she wanted to tell you something" I said and his frown deepened. "Please be nice to her Fred. She's scared to talk to you. please. for me" I said and he winced hard and turned away. I opened the door and his mother was already in tears. Sure she would have heard him shout.

Fred....

After Steffy came, I sensed Jane was moving far from me, leaving Steffy with me all the time. I hated when she would not spend time with me as before and was mad at her for doing this. At nights Jane would sleep on the chair near my bed and I would sometimes just watch her sleep. She said she would be leaving soon and I couldn't tell her that I loved her. I wasn't ready to admit it to her when she was ready to leave me hanging in the middle. When I asked her the reason for her leaving, she said she thought about finishing her college and since Steffy was back, she would leave me with her which I didn't believe. I hated when she kept on mentioning Steffy as my girlfriend. I felt alone and sometimes found myself shedding tears that Jane was ready to leave. I was scared to open myself to her putting my heart at risk which I had already done.

When she was constantly irritating me with something I didn't want her to do, she brought my mother home on the anniversary of my father. The moment my mother entered my room, I could tell that she had been crying. She looked so sad and somewhere in the corner of my heart I wanted to take the pain away. My mother sat on the chair pulling it near me and looked at Jane.
"I'll be downstairs" Jane said and turned to go out.
"wait" I said loud enough for her to know that I was still angry. "Stay" I said without looking at her when I knew she was looking at me.
"That's ok Fred. I'll go an.."
"I said stay" I looked at her gritting my teeth. "Should I ask you to sit?" I shouted again and she sat on the edge of the bed near me.

I looked at my mom who was fidgeting with her hands.
"What do you want to tell me?" I asked her as calm as I could. She was quiet for sometime which irritated me. I looked at Jane helpless and she gestured me to be calm.
"I love you a lot Fred" my mom said and I took a deep breath closing my eyes.
"Is this what you want to tell?" I asked in an irritated voice since I doubted that statement of hers.
"I hid something from you about your father" she said and I looked at her confused. "Adam's death in the rodeo wasn't just an accident" she said and I was more confused. I could sense it wasn't what I was ready to hear. "He killed himself" she said and I was shocked.
"Now don't lie" I said angry that she was accusing my father.
"Fred" Jane said placing her hand on mine and I gripped it tight.

"Am not lying Fred" my mother continued wiping her tears. "I couldn't tell the truth to you in these years because it was my fault he did such a thing to himself" she said making me more angry, but I didn't say anything. Tears stung my eyes when I thought what my mother was revealing. "I didn't like him going into the rodeo like your grandfathers, but he was so stubborn about carrying on the tradition. It created a lot of misunderstandings between us and Solomon came along being nice to me. I found out I was pregnant with his baby and told Adam. And Adam wanted a divorce since he thought we didn't love each other any more. I said I will take you with me since I didn't want you to carry on like your father but he didn't accept that. When the divorce was given, it said you had to live with me and Adam got visiting rights. But the next week Adam killed himself in the rodeo which seemed like an accident, but I found out a letter from him to me saying he loved us a lot and couldn't bear living alone. And he wanted you to live with your aunt since he knew Solomon too well and wouldn't accept you. I didn't believe it and when I saw how Solomon was possessive considering his past when he never got love and how he was towards you, I sent you away with a heavy heart as your dad wished believing that you will forget about the rodeo." She finished and tears were falling down my cheeks too which I didn't bother to wipe. "Adam was a fragile person and it never occurred to me that he would do such a thing. It was all my fault" she said crying harder. "Am sorry Fred" she finished looking at me.

"Sorry? you killed him" I said in a feeble voice. "He died because of you and how can you expect me to forgive you?" I shouted at her.
"Your father was a coward" I heard Solomon's voice from the doorway and turned to him. No one had noticed when he came into my room.
"How dare you call my dad a coward" I snapped.
"Yes he was. Or else he would have faced his loss with courage" he said angrily
"He did that because he couldn't live without Fred. Whenever he was gone from here, he would never stay long since he wanted to be near his son. Do you know how much he loved Fred? Stop saying he's a coward sol" and this was the first time I ever saw my mom angry at solomon. She always was quiet in front of him, but I was surprised she was talking for my dad.
"Whatever" Solomon was playing it cool.

"Am sorry I didn't tell you this for so long. Though adam and I were fighting a lot, we both loved you unconditionally. And I still do. It's ok if you don't wanna love me after what I did, but I beg you not to hate me Fred. I would never survive that. And I don't want to lose you too in the rodeo as I lost my family. Please" my mother said and went out of the room pulling her husband with her. Jane left with them briefly and before she came, Steffy came inside.
"why did they come here?" She asked looking worried. She knew me from childhood. "Why do you look so worried Fred? Did Solomon say anything?" she asked in an angry tone.
"It's nothing Steffy. Just leave me alone" I said leaning my head back on the pillow.

Jane.....

I was shocked when Fred's mom confessed everything to Fred. I never expected that it was such a thing. Definitely Fred would be heart broken. I couldn't see his face when his mother walked out, so I went to see them out giving some time for Fred to compose himself. I sat on the couch for sometime when Steffy fell on the couch opposite me.
"Where were you so long? Did you know Fred's mom was here?" she asked me and I just nodded. "I hope you know how Fred always wanted to be loved by her. He always seemed so detached from everyone. I know him from childhood and he still is the same. We've been together for four years now, but not once he has allowed me to comfort him for anything. even now he sent me away. Am so worried about him. Am afraid he won't change" She said tears filling her eyes. "I love him so much Jane, but... He doesn't want it. I couldn't just leave him and go away forever" she said wiping her tears.

We sat in silence for sometime and she went to her room and locked the door. I walked up to Fred's room and opened his door to see him lying on his stomach face buried in his pillow.
"Fred" I whispered sitting on the bed and touched his shoulder but he shrugged it off. "Look at me Fred" I said again but he didn't budge. I edged closer to him and ran my fingers through his hair.
"Why are you doing this to me Jane?" he asked finally looking at me.
"Am sorry. I never knew it would be this bad. Your mother asked me to tell you but I insisted her to tell it herself. Am sorry" I said as my vision was blurred by the tears. He then placed his head on my lap and cried and I didn't stop him.
"Did she think her confession would do good? They killed my dad and how am I supposed to feel knowing this?" he said in a muffled voice.
"But despite everything your mother loves you Fred. Didn't you see how much she wanted you to believe that?" I asked him still running my fingers along his soft hair.
"It makes me feel worse Jane. How will I accept that love when I know it killed my dad? Do you know how much I yearned for my parents when I saw my friends with theirs. Aunt grace tried to make me forget that, but it was too late. I couldn't Jane. Just couldn't" he said crying harder into my lap.

"Why can't you just forgive them Fred?" I asked slowly afraid that he would get mad, and he did. He got up from my lap and fell on his pillow turning his head the other side. "Fred" I said touching his hand and he jerked it away. "Life is just short Fred. Do you want your life to be this hard without any love? Just look back the way you have come and see how you have refused to accept the love people were ready to give you starting from your aunt till Steffy. I know you like them, but please don't make them feel otherwise. Just think if you have anything to feel happy and satisfied about by being like this. No one can change what happened then, but, try to change your future Fred. Forget what your mother did. Forgive her. Give her a chance to love her son freely. Just think how happy she would have felt when she say your face for the first time. Am just asking you to be nice to her so that she would feel happy" I lectured him but he gave me no response. "At least you have some people who love you and you can call them family unlike me" I said as tears rolled down my cheeks. This time Fred turned to me and just looked without telling a word.

"Why did you say that? what am I then?" he asked as a tear rolled down his side.
"Am talking about the mother you have, the people you can call your brother and sister and aunt" I said not answering his question.
"Just think from my place Jane. Will you be able to forgive her as you said?"
"Your mother didn't do it intentionally. She didn't even know that would happen Fred. Step into her shoes and think how would she have felt all these years" I said trying to make him forgive her but he just turned away. "Love is something we all need Fred. That's the only thing that keeps the world going. It's worth forgiving and fighting for" I said and got off the bed.

And before I could get away Fred caught hold of my wrist. I turned to look at him and he patted the place I sat earlier. I sat again and he entwined his fingers in mine.
"Do you really want me to forgive her Jane?" he asked with a confused look and I nodded firmly.
"I want to you to get your mother's love at least now. There were reasons she sent you away, but now when she comes to you, you are hiding behind putting a tough character" I said stroking his hand with my thumb.
"Do you think am tough?" he asked with a light smile
"No you are not. You are such a lovely bubbly boy Freddy" I said smiling too.
"Am happy I saw you. Don't go janie" he said shaking his head. I knew what he meant by that, but I couldn't tell him that I won't be going. Because I was going, thanks to my tumor that am not able to tell Fred that I loved him. I now know how much Steffy loved and cared about him and I wanted him to see that too. She would be there for him always unlike me.

"I have to Fred" I said not looking at him.
"I know you lied to me about going back to the university. Tell me the truth Jane" he said sadly tightening his grip on my hand.
"It's because am d.." I stopped remembering suddenly that he didn't like to know about it and moreover I didn't want to tell him today since it was a tough day for him. "I-i want to go on with my own life. You promised me that right? Don't worry Fred, we can be friends always" I said smiling at him but he didn't smile back.
"Fine. But can you stay till everything is back to normal?" he asked as tears collected in his eyes again. I couldn't nod yes. "Don't leave me in this mess alone"
"Steffy is here Fred" I said
"Steffy" he smiled lightly. "She would be going on her own work in two days. You'll see" he said closing his eyes briefly. "Please Jane, stay with me" he said placing our entwined hands near his heart as tears rolled down again. This time I couldn't say no.
"Yes, I will" I said as tears rolled down my cheeks too.
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@consuela....he would have if the circumstances were different...

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