A Downer Cow Gets Revenge

This morning, I heard on the radio about a local man killed by a cow. I live in a rural area, and there's not much of anything here except cows. You don't get the opportunity to hear this kind of news in the big city.

Everybody in town will be gossiping about the man who was murdered by a cow. You can't even make this shit up. Many questions run through my head, I'm naturally inquisitive.

Will the cow be charged in the death of the man? Was the attack premeditated? The radio stated how the man had been attempting to load a cow onto his truck when the animal suddenly pushed against him and crushed his chest. What the fuck?

If the man nudged the cow first, will the animal be able to plead self defense? I wonder if the cow is remorseful about committing the crime. Do cows have a conscience? Did the beast drool on itself after killing the man? The radio never seems to give you enough information.

It makes me curious about what the man's family will write on his grave marker. Here lies Edgar, Crushed by a Cow. It has a nice ring to it.

I wonder if the cow had always been pushy, or was this a one time event. Was the animal troubled as a calf? Where were the cows parents when this happened? Could they have prevented this?

Did the cow have a history of violence? Has anybody heard of domesticated bovine depression? Was the cow on any medications? Hormones? I have so many questions, and there are so few answers.

There's a herd of cows on the farm across the street from my house. This is going to demand closer attention from me. I never realized they are such menacing animals, they always appear so docile. Chewing and plotting, plotting and chewing. Apparently, they are just waiting for the right moment to make their move.

I wonder if the cow was ever sexually abused, and as uncomfortable as the question may be, it deserves to be answered. The cow did not crush the man without a good reason. Did the man touch the udder? Cows have enormous eyes, and they don't miss much.

Did the animal focus on the man's face when it pulverized him? If the man is survived by any children, I feel sorry for them. My dad was killed by a cow just does not sound right.

Nobody has mentioned what type of truck the man was driving. The cow may have resented foreign vehicles. Could the animal have been involved with drugs? Blood should be drawn in order to determine if the cow was sober. Can the animal be charged with Crushing While Intoxicated?

Cows tend to walk funny, and I wonder if the man mocked the animal until it couldn't take it anymore. In some countries the cow is Holy, but not here. In the United States cows push back.

I wonder if there were other animals in the area during the incident. Left unchecked, this could be the beginning of a cow rebellion. Will cows gather in herds to discuss the killing?

The cow may be assigned a public attorney, and they better have read the animal its rights. Did the cow endeavor to moo after it killed the man? Will the animals have a protest march about unfair working conditions? Justice for the cow. It makes me feel like doing a little marching myself.

From studying the subject, I know that cows don't march very well, and this means they will have to ride in a truck.

Who's the sucker that's going to load them?

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