The 50-50 Rule for Dating in the New Age

Young men who are drawing up a list of things to do this Valentine Day might like to add a pointer. If the lady insists on paying her share of the bill, allow her to do so. You wouldn't want Cupid to spread his wings and fly out the door.

Not long ago, an upmarket establishment in North Carolina witnessed a bizarre ending to what was a perfectly good evening for a young couple. "Apparently, the lady had insisted beforehand that she would pick up her share of the tab, but when the bill arrived, the gentleman settled it," says Orlando Vaz, the restaurant manager. "She argued for a bit, then got so overwhelmed at not being allowed to do so that she began sobbing and left the place. Her partner had to console her and bring her back."

Thankfully, most dinners do not culminate in such high drama, because both partners know it will end equitably. The lady and her man will share the cost.

Hardly any couples go Dutch, for that means each pays his or her own expenses. Most of them split the final amount.

Doing so brings ease and comfort into a relationship and neither partner feels he is been taken advantage of, so he does not have to pick the low-priced items on the menu or skip dessert.

Ladies' prerogative

Interestingly, it is the ladies who become uncomfortable at the thought of allowing the man to pay for them. The woman of the new generation still appreciates common courtesies from her male friend, like holding the door open for her or waiting for her to be seated, but if he were to prevent her from paying her share of the bill she might be offended.

Eighteen-year-old arts student Supriya Menon thinks it is "unaffordable and unfair" that the boy pays for the girl, especially if they go out often.

"It may be a gentlemanly thing to do, but no girl would want to take advantage of her partner.

"In fact, a friend of mine did go to coffee shops and movies with her boyfriend, but she always paid for her own meal and her tickets," Supriya says.

Radio jockey Sana, says that it is not difficult to share the cost because, in any case, youngsters do not visit expensive restaurants during the early stages of a relationship. "They mostly go to coffee shops or fast food joints. A cosy dinner is a personal and special experience, and by the time a couple reaches that stage, they have achieved a particular level of comfort. Of course, they continue to share the expenses."

Striking out for independence

Common sense dictates that the modern, independent girl will pay her share. Especially if both partners are college-goers subsisting on limited pocket money.

Being financially secure, however, is an added reason both should split the bill, says Sana.

"A number of youngsters work in call centres, hold part-time jobs or make money through promotional activities, which means they must offer to share the expenses.

In fact, even the boy expects the girl to pay," says Sana.

Most times, the couple split the tab at the venue of the meeting itself. This simple division mirrors a changing social reality. Glenn Parker, owner of a restaurant in North Carolina, witnesses this trend unfold every day, albeit among a slightly older age group.

"I have noticed most couples share the expenses of the meal, and I think this comes from the power women derive from earning an independent income," says Parker.

Still, the steward's instinct, or perhaps his training, leads him to that side of the table where the man is seated. "Rather than conditioning or training, it is the waiter's psyche that prompts him to do so. He presumes the bill is to be paid by the host, and it is usually the man who hosts the lady," says Orlando Vaz.

Psychological drive

Experts outside of the hospitality industry say that sharing the tab, or going Dutch, is the norm rather than the exception in Western countries. "When a woman goes out with a man it is merely a signal that she wants to explore the possibility of getting to know him, or that she enjoys spending time with him,".

She considers him a companion. She does not want to take advantage of him, or be taken advantage of. It could be that the man pays with an ulterior motive, expecting some favour in return. The woman pays her share to deprive him of an excuse for seduction. If they do develop a relationship after that, it would be mutual. She will go along with him because she wants to, but she will not do it because he has paid for her.

Like all relationships that are tarnished when one member invests too much and the other brings little, such friendships also eventually crumble when one partner is made to pay once too often. "I am sure he will make his discomfort known in a subtle manner," says Sana. "He will probably remark how he overshot his monthly budget."

Supriya makes an interesting observation when she says that simple interactions like these serve as a road map for the future. "Such relationships start off on an equal footing. And even though the girl may not eventually settle down with the partner she is dating currently, she expresses her independence by paying for herself. Early on, the boy is aware that he cannot dominate her financially," she says.

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