Football Transfer Rumours: Steven Warnock to Tottenham Hotspur?

You have to wonder whether Mrs Sandra Redknapp, she of the deadly close-range headers, ever lets her husband do the grocery shopping. If she does, it must be impossible to close the fridge chez les Knapprouges, as Harry's manic need to purchase everything that looks even slightly tasty compels him to stock up on a hundred different brands of yogurt, 700 species of cheese and more lettuce than any family could ever need, which, come to think of it, could be just one leaf since lettuce is truly a worthless vegetable. It is to salads what limp intros are to articles. You full yet? Of course not.

So get your teeth into this: word is Tottenham intend stuffing White Hart Lane stores with (deep breath) Blackburn's buccaneering full-back-cum-midfielder Steven Warnock, Newcastle's full-back-cum-center-back Sébastien Bassong, Real Madrid's winger-cum-off-it Arjen Robben and Sheffield Wednesday defender-bit-of-a-cum-down-this Mark Beevers. And he'll wash that down by toasting Spurs' imminent – and quite preposterous – £25m capture of Toulouse defensive midfielder Moussa Sissoko, who was tracked by Liverpool for the last two years until Rafa Benítez correctly concluded the 19-year-old wasn't worth anything like that fee.

One player, perhaps, indeed, the only player, whom Spurs won't be buying this summer is Klaas-Jan Huntelaar. Because the Dutch striker is poised to leave Real Madrid for AC Milan. Liverpool, meanwhile, have not completed their summer expenditure, with Benítez plotting an excursion to England's increasingly gloomy south coast to liberate Sylvain Distin from the sinking ship that is Pompey.

Aston Villa will keep up appearances by making a token bid for Distin too, before withdrawing to let Liverpool have him, thus ensuring that Martin O'Neill's entire squad will this season be able to continue traveling to and from training on one tandem.

Reports that Fulham have vowed to fight to keep hold of Brede Hangeland, meanwhile, have sent jolts of anticipation throughout London, where sight-seers are now wandering wide-eyed around the city in the hope of catching a glimpse of Roy Hodgson and Arsène Wenger facing off like the camp gang leaders in Michael Jackson's Beat It video, bound both by a rope around one of their hands and a primeval urge to kill. And, perhaps, a bemusement as to why it is that the giant Norwegian can win so many headers at set-pieces around opponents' boxes yet fail to direct any of them on target?

Speaking of failing to direct shots on target, le mot on la rue in France is that Monaco are going pay real money to relieve Middlesbrough of Afonso Alves.

Any mention of real money, of course, is always likely to attract the attention of Lucas Neill. He's believed to be on his way to Sunderland to find out just how much of it Steve Bruce is handing out.

Finally, faced with Chris Hughton's reluctance, Joe Kinnear's supposed stalling and, according to reports today, David O'Leary's rejection, it seems Mike Ashley is running out of former Republic of Ireland internationals to whom he can offer the job of momentary Newcastle United manager. Which, given that his other fetish appears to be for Match of the Day pundits, surely means his next port of call is … Mark Lawrenson. Ho'way the Lads!

Go on, get busy below with your snarls and sniggers