Meanwhile, Back in the Real World

And yet, the world still turns. In the same week that Michael Jackson died, it emerged that the correct planning permission was not obtained for Sir Cliff Richard's conservatory and it must therefore be taken down.

Thus the human comedy perpetuates itself.

To Surrey's beguiling Virginia Water, then, where a £30,000 glass structure Sir Cliff had erected in good faith as an addition to his house has been ruled in contravention of Green Belt policy GB6. There's something about cumulative floor area and it all being a "disproportionate addition", but frankly, the thrill of it could finish one off.

Of more pressing concern is local Tory councilor Michael Kusneraitus, who took it upon himself to insert the titles of ten of Cliff's songs and two of his films into his speech to the floor at the civic chambers in Addlestone. "If the 'Bachelor Boy' was successful in appealing the committee's decision," ran one of these droll sallies, "they might all be singing 'Congratulations' ... "

Do pipe down Michael, you tedious little man. Second-guessing the vagaries of Runnymede council should be the last thing on Cliff's mind during Wimbledon fortnight, and if you're not careful we shall turn this matter into a Lost in Showbiz cause celebre. Now good day to you.