Those Chimps Have a Wild Story to Tell

Lost in Showbiz wanted to protect you from this almost more than anything, but many of you are now old enough to read the news reports for yourselves and may already have worked out that something doesn't add up. So know this: there was more than one Bubbles.

Yes, the chimpanzee who for so long seemed a lightning rod for Michael Jackson's radical nurturing tendencies was in fact a series of at least two such primates.

Thus it is that some news outlets are telling you that Bubbles now lives at the private Center for Great Apes sanctuary in Florida, while others insist he lives with an animal trainer in the Sylmar suburb of Los Angeles.

In fact, both positions are correct.

The ur-Bubbles is the one in Florida, where eminent primatologist Dame Jane Goodall has previously commented favorably on his progress. Bubbles II is the one in LA - and I'm afraid he seems less well adjusted to life after fame. He was said to have been cast from Neverland after he developed anger-management issues, and has been living out his exile amid tabloid rumors of suicide attempts and casual violence.

Imagine the surprise, then, when this week his trainer Bob Dunn suggested the chimp might be preparing to cash in on the renewed spotlight on his work with a documentary and book.

"There's a lot of interest," Bob told reporters. "Bubbles has led an interesting life. There's lots to say."

Indeed there is. As Michael liked to tell it, Bubbles transferred to Neverland from a cancer research laboratory, presumably having deemed vivisection too small a stage for his talents. Immediately, ear-grafting and the like gave way to handmade tuxedos and red-carpet appearances. Bubbles was said to have his own personal assistant. He sat in on production sessions for Bad. He acquired his own fleet of miniature sports cars. His expenses for one tour were rumored to be $20,000. And still Geri Halliwell finds herself sufficiently fascinating to have penned two autobiographies before the age of 30.

Of course, only half of the story happened to the 160lb chimp currently laughing it up in Florida, whereas Bubbles II picks up the baton later, and the tale swiftly skews darker.

Don't forget that when Martin Bashir visited the ranch during the making of his 2003 documentary, he noted that while Bubbles was still using Michael's private bathroom, other more déclassé chimps appeared to be charged with keeping the house clean, with duties ranging from window washing to dusting. By the time of the molestation trial, several former Jackson employees testified that the primate maids had been staging dirty protests, being less keen on their domestic chores than hitherto assumed.

Still, given that even the Center for Great Apes is soliciting for funds to support Bubbles I, a plan begins suggests itself. Couldn't both chimps be persuaded to collaborate on a definitive account of life with their erstwhile friend, which at the very least would be a compelling memoir, if not an invaluable academic text in the nature/nurture canon?

Of course, this would mean breaking the news of Michael's passing to the still-oblivious Bubbles the First. Whereas Bubbles II has been informed of the matter, and is believed to be coping, a spokeswoman for the Center for Great Apes says of his predecessor: "We haven't said anything to him yet." Fair enough. Where do you even start? One doesn't want to knock the incredible strides scientists have made in human-primate communication over the past four decades, but you've got to think distilling the last few years of Michael Jackson's life into a series of hand gestures would be a somewhat daunting task.