New Speaker Brings Crisp Order to Clash of Titans

Prime minister's questions has always been about the clash of titans, and yesterday's did not disappoint. Bercow versus Fabricant! What a match it was, like David v Goliath, Ali v Foreman, Godzilla v King Kong! Nobody much cared who won, but it wasn't half fun to watch.

It began with one of those pointless spats between Gordon Brown and David Cameron. Both accused the other of fiddling the public spending figures. labor says the Tories want to cut spending by 10%. The Tories say that labor claims it is going to increase public spending, whereas its own statistics show the opposite is true.

The whole ghastly row proves nothing at all, except that spending will have to be viciously cut by whoever is in charge, and they will go to their graves finding ways to deny it.

Some of us noticed that during this nonsense, Michael Fabricant – once one of the most popular disc jockeys in the Brighton and Hove area – was getting especially giddy. One wanted to lean over and shout "keep your hair on, Mickey!" He has a distinctive voice, like a sheep being interrogated in Guantánamo Bay. It wafted frequently and annoyingly across the chamber.

What made him really stand out was his attire: a cream suit, a sky blue shirt, and a yellow and green patterned tie. He looked like a man who has gone to a costume party dressed as a perfect summer day. What with the haystack-style substance on his head, I wanted to grab a flagon of cider in one hand, Rosie in the other, and lie sleepily in his shade.

His voice rose again. Suddenly John Bercow – clad only in dark suit and gown – leaped from his chair and declared: "Mr Fabricant, you must calm yourself. It is not good for your health!"

What made this intervention remarkable was that the Speaker and Fabricant were old muckers together, sitting near each other, often keeping up a running commentary on the proceedings. For Bercow to shut up Fabricant was a moment freighted with Shakespearean significance: "I know thee not, young man ... how ill fake hair becomes a fool and jester," as Henry V nearly said to Falstaff.

Actually Bercow came out well from his first real test. He shut up the more egregious greasers – labor MPs who ask long planted questions designed to put the government in the best possible light – by saying crisply: "I think the prime minister has got the gist," and he shushed the Tories when they were making too much noise. He had the good sense to keep quiet when Brown started banging on about the weird parties the Tories are going to hang out with in the European parliament. Their new grouping had no Christian Democrats, no Sarkozy supporters, and "excludes the party of Berlusconi".

The place collapsed. Everybody wants to go to that party.