Football Transfer Rumours: Michael Owen to Hull City?

We're not faffing around with a convoluted intro this morning, folks, because will you look at this: Hull City are in for Michael Owen. Owen, a 47-year-old recovering alcoholic and former drag artist now working in the King's Cross branch of McDona... hold on, that's the wrong Owen, we're reading from the wrong glossy brochure here.

Hull City, though. We'd pay ready money to see the look on Owen's face when that offer plonked on his desk.

Carlos Tevez has agreed a deal with Manchester City, while Manchester United will spend £30m on Karim Benzema.

Tomorrow we will report that Carlos Tevez has agreed a deal with Chelsea, while Manchester United will spend £60m on Franck Ribéry.

On Wednesday we will report that Carlos Tevez has agreed a deal with Manchester City, while Manchester United will spend £90m on Karim Benzema.

On Thursday we will report that Carlos Tevez has agreed a deal with Chelsea, while Manchester United will spend £120m on Franck Ribéry.

On Friday the Mill will find it impossible to get out of bed. A strange listlessness and feelings of ennui will wash over us. There will be hot tears in our eyes.

Liverpool co-owner Curly Gillett has sold his stake in the Montreal Canadiens. The fancy shinty outfit will fetch him a cool £332.9m - but no big-name player whatsoever has been linked to the Anfield club as a result of Gillett's windfall. Why is that?

Forward-thinking Blackburn Rovers boss Sam Allardyce wants to spend £3m on Bolton Wanderers battering ram Kevin Davies. In fairness he's also interested in Paris Saint-Germain midfielder Jerome Rothen, but that doesn't fit in with our blinkered stereotyping of Allardyce as a long-ball merchant stuck in the past.

Sheffield United are in for Paul Hartley, who has left Celtic Park unencumbered by a contract.

And Aston Villa will spend £9m on David Wheater, with Craig Gardner going the other way to Middlesbrough. Leaving 'em wanting more, that's how the Mill rolls.