Friday's Football Transfer Rumours: Xabi Alonso to Manchester City?

Liverpool fans will today be feeling only marginally happier with their lot than jiggered old loser Gordon Brown. That's because, as a result of all this leveraging Tom Hicks and George Gillett have been doing, coupled with Newton's laws of motion, the club has sprung off the load arm and is now travelling down the swanny at a rate of knots.

The Rumour Mill can't be bothered going into details, because it doesn't understand them, but suffice to say this once-proud institution, used to dining at the top table, will now have to exist on a diet of bread 'n' spread.

They did want to purchase Glen Johnson, but Chelsea, tucking into the head of a wild boar with an apple in its mouth, are now in for him. And Manchester City, who are tipping bowls of Beluga caviar down the lav, just because they can, are ready to steal off with £20m-rated Xabi Alonso. Rafael Benitez, meanwhile, wants to buy David Silva from Valencia, but can only afford one slice of bread 'n' spread.

Everyone else is tucking in at the feast. Milan are going to spend £15m on Arsenal Emmanuel Adebayor, who avoided injury during the latter part of last season by engaging in no physical exertion whatsoever, bar that 37-yard amble in the cool spring air he enjoyed during the Champions League semi-final against Manchester United. Arsenal are going to spunk most of the cash, to borrow a phrase from The Apprentice, on £12m Barcelona midfielder-cum-defender Yaya Toure. Unless Milan get in first. This situation could probably be illustrated on a Venn diagram. Would it make things clearer? Not really, no.

Manchester City want Edin Dzeko, who scored 26 times in 32 games for Bundesliga champions Wolfsburg last season. Arsenal are also hovering in the background with a see-through briefcase like the one they used to have on Jimmy Tarbuck's Winner Takes All, containing £8m. Why would Dzeko move, though? The Bundesliga looks like the most exciting league in the world from where we're sitting.

Chelsea are going to offer £20m for Aston Villa's Ashley Young, as Martin O'Neill's painstakingly constructed team continues to fall apart at pace. O'Neill may use £6m of the money on Tom Huddlestone from Spurs, or he may pause to consider how Celtic are looking for a manager at the moment.

Real Madrid are going to pay Manchester United £75m for Gary Neville. That's about as realistic as what's actually being reported.

New Sunderland manager Steve Bruce wants 6ft 8in striker Nikola Zigic from Valencia and Lee Cattermole from Wigan, revealing his priorities to be aerial power, goals, reckless studs-up challenges and a plethora of red cards.

Stoke City want to take Djibril Cisse off Marseille's hands.

Birmingham will pay Cardiff £5m for central defender Roger Johnson.

And Rafael Benitez is saving half of his slice of bread 'n' spread for tomorrow.