The Spin

In this week's Spin: Vive la différence; Sang-froid.

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VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE (AND NOT AN ONIONS GAG IN SIGHT)

Two summers ago, after England's efforts to square the series with India had been thwarted by an Oval pitch less giving than the Scottish MP who expensed a 5p carrier bag, one of their batsmen privately told the Spin: "Playing for five days sometimes seems more important than whether England win or lose." He had a point. But it was an excuse dressed up as righteous indignation at the England and Wales Cricket Board: the bowlers weren't good enough to knock over India, so, yes, it must have been the pitch's fault.

Last week, after six straight draws at Lord's, England beat West Indies inside three days. Their bowlers barely had to land it outside off before another nick was flying to the cordon. Chris Gayle and Ramnaresh Sarwan, who in the Caribbean resembled Don Bradman's grandson, were both dismissed twice in a day. The temptation was to bemoan an undercooked West Indian side - the usual lament when a touring team loses the first Test - and wonder whether England's seamers will be up to scratch on more testing offerings later in the summer.

This temptation is a reasonable one, especially where Graham Onions - probably not the new Ed Giddins, but you never know - is concerned. But there is a bigger picture here than the age-old worry about English seamers struggling overseas (and sometimes in London) to move the ball off the straight and narrow. And that picture is the character of Test cricket, a concept taken for granted in the years before Twenty20 but a matter of some urgency now. Because if Test cricket is to continue to enthral and defy, we must embrace the occasional three-day game in bowler-friendly conditions - even if it means no Saturday play (the fault of the administrators, not the players) and a sizeable hole in the pockets of MCC (who will almost certainly live to tell the tale).

The best batsmen in the world should be able to cope with the bounce of Perth, the swing of Trent Bridge, the spin of Mumbai, the seam of Christchurch, or even the, er, wind at Lord's, which supposedly caused Chris Gayle's eyes to water (his premature departure from the money-spinning Kolkata Knight Riders was not thought to have been a factor) and, sure enough, made "a big difference". Lose the regional variations, and we may as well play all our Test matches in Abu Dhabi.

Conspiracy theorists - the unnamed England player among them - suspect homogenisation for commercial gain: make all pitches as flat as each other and the marketing men will get their five days of silver. But Andy Atkinson, the International Cricket Council's chief pitches consultant, complained not long ago that the balance has tilted too far in favour of the batsmen, and stressed the ICC's desire for pitches "to retain their local, traditional characteristics like seam in England or spin in India". A lack of know-how and technology, he said, was the cause of some of the shirtfronts that have threatened to rob Test cricket of its flavour in recent times.

We should enjoy, then, a sport in which the same set of batsmen can hang around all week in some conditions and fold in a day in others; in which the same group of bowlers can rage against the lack of help in some pitches, then resemble world-beaters on others. And in which some of the grumbles - think of Stuart Broad's whinge in the West Indies, as well as Gayle's watery eyes - belong in an entertainment category of their own.

Whether the green grass of home makes English bowlers lazy is another matter (although Matthew Hoggard bowled well enough in venues as far afield as Nagpur, Adelaide and Johannesburg to suggest that hard work can paper over a multitude of cracks). It quite possibly does in some cases. But variations in conditions are what sets Test cricket aside. They reveal a man like very little else in sport. Question the West Indian surrender if you like. But don't blame England's bowlers.

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QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"When I was playing, if you took a wicket, you were doing your job. Simple as that. If someone had come up to me and done what they do nowadays, I would have smacked them" - Brian Close tells The Wisden Cricketer what he thinks about the modern player's stock celebration.

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WIN ASHES TICKETS EVERY 24 HOURS!

One pair of Test Match tickets are on offer daily, from 1 May to 31 July. See promotional cans for details (http://servedby.flashtalking.com/click/10313;4009;57557;211;0/?url=http://www.suremen.co.uk).

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EXTRAS

Ray Illingworth, it used to be said, was so obliging with the press that he would conduct phone interviews - during which his recall of obscure Sunday League matches would make grown men weep - from the foaming comfort of his own bath. The Spin has never quite carried out a chat in those circumstances, although it still wonders what the England player who yawned all the way through one chat was doing at the time. Even so, your column would like to lay claim to its most surreal face-to-face interview yet after knocking at the appointed time on the Durban hotel-room door of one of England's hardy band of Indian Premier League representatives recently.

"Come in," said a not exactly stentorian voice. The Spin entered to be greeted by ... no one! Where was the interviewee? Poking its head round the corner of the short corridor connecting door to room, it spied its victim, sitting bolt upright under his duvet in bed, wearing his franchise's kit and watching TV. "Sorry," he said. "Fell asleep." No problem, joshed your column, expecting the player to emerge from his sleepy cocoon. He stayed put.

"Er, let me pull up a chair," quoth the Spin. This was easier said than done, because both the armchair in the corner and the small wooden chair at the desk were festooned with kit. "I'll just put these here," said your column as it dumped a load of sweaty gear on the floor and pulled the wooden chair a-bedside. "I feel like your doctor!" In the circumstances, the Spin thought this was not the worst joke in the world, although the England star's muffled grunt suggested otherwise. "Open wide," was only narrowly averted.

Nevertheless, by reaching over from the side of the bed, the Spin found it was able to wave its dictaphone within a reasonable distance of the player's mouth. After 10 minutes of this arm-aching charade came another knock on the door. In walked an unsuspecting Indian journalist who surveyed the strange scene with an open mouth. Our star stayed put in bed and your column hurried out, vowing next time to bring a bunch of grapes, just in case.

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GET DOWN AND PERSONAL WITH TEST MATCH SPECIAL!

Don't ask us how because then we'd have to do something nasty to you, but the Spin has come across three signed copies of the former TMS producer Peter Baxter's enthralling new book, Inside the Box: My Life with Test Match Special. Not only that but it's willing to give them away if you can answer the following question:

Who was the bowler involved in the infamous Ian Botham leg-over incident that reduced Brian Johnston and Jonathan Agnew to tears live on air during Baxter's reign?

Answers in an email, please, to lawrence.booth@guardian.co.uk by 12 noon on Monday 18 May.

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FANCY BEFRIENDING AN INTERNATIONAL CRICKET TEAM? READ ON ...

Want to sponsor the next Afghanistan? Japan's national cricket squad is heading to Guernsey this month for the ICC World Cricket League qualifiers (http://www.cricketeurope4.net/WCL7/index.shtml) and urgently needs corporate support with costs. Heck, flying halfway round the world for the love of the game just isn't free these days ... If you can help, drop them a line at n-miyaji@cricket.or.jp and you'll have some cricketing friends for life.

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THE WEEK IN CRICKET

· For the first time in 15 Test series England begin with a win, brushing aside a pathetic West Indies by 10 wickets at Lord's on the back of 143 from Ravi Bopara in his first innings at No3 and first-innings figures of five for 38 by debutant Graham Onions.

· Rohit Sharma takes a hat-trick - and four for six in all - as Deccan Chargers beat Mumbai Indians by 19 runs in the Indian Premier League in Centurion.

· Australia's medical staff withdraw Shane Watson, Nathan Bracken and James Hopes from the IPL because of fitness concerns. But Andrew Symonds arrives in South Africa to play for Deccan Chargers and Brett Lee, recovering from an ankle injury, finally gets a game for Kings XI Punjab as Australia's preparations for next month's Twenty20 World Cup hot up.

· Then they cool down again after Australia suffer a seven-wicket mauling at the hands of Pakistan in their Twenty20 international in Abu Dhabi. Umar Gul takes four for eight before Kamran Akmal's unbeaten 59 off 42 balls makes light work of Australia's 108 all out.

· Ali Brown hits a pair of 63s - one of them unbeaten - as Nottinghamshire beat Somerset by six wickets in the first division of the latest round of county championship matches at Trent Bridge. Michael Vaughan is one of the few batsmen to miss out at Edgbaston, where Yorkshire's Joe Sayers (173) and Anthony McGrath (211) and Warwickshire's Jonathan Trott (161 not out) and No10 Jeetan Patel (120) enjoy a draw.

· Sajid Mahmood takes career-best figures of 10 for 140 as Lancashire see off struggling Worcestershire by six wickets at New Road, while Liam Plunkett makes an undefeated 94 in the draw between Durham and Sussex at Hove.

· In the second division Phil Hughes adds to his slightly scary reputation with 195 and 57 off 46 balls as Middlesex finish on 184 for nine against Surrey at The Oval, just two runs short of victory. His first-class average after 43 innings is now 69, a figure boosted by 10 hundreds. The mighty Northamptonshire get going with an eight-wicket win over Essex at Wantage Road thanks to five-fors from Andrew Hall and Steven Crook and a pair of 70s from Rob White.

· Andrew Ireland (six for 31) and Alex Gidman (159) combine as Gloucestershire thump Leicestershire by 10 wickets at Bristol, while James Tredwell takes eight for 66, and 11 in the match, as Kent - boosted by a third-wicket stand of 309 in their second innings between Geraint Jones (133) and Martin van Jaarsveld (182) see off Glamorgan by 204 runs at Canterbury.

· The Pakistan Cricket Board issues a legal notice to the International Cricket Council after the ICC decided Pakistan could not host any matches in the 2011 World Cup following the terrorist attacks in Lahore earlier this year. Ijaz Butt, the PCB chairman, calls the move "legally flawed, unfair and discriminatory".

· The manager of Jesse Ryder describes as "grossly exaggerated" a report that Ryder had to be restrained by security guards in South Africa, where he has been playing for Bangalore Royal Challengers in the IPL. But Aaron Klee did admit Ryder had touched alcohol after a 100-day abstinence.

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CONTACT THE SPIN

Email lawrence.booth@guardian.co.uk and feel free to cc. sports.editor@guardianunlimited.co.uk while you're at it.

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