Football Transfer Rumours: David Bentley to Ac Milan?

From the outside it may appear that Andrey Arshavin has solved Arsenal's pain on the left side but in fact he may only have given them a new one in the backside. Or his agent has. Or the Daily Mail has. Because that organ today quotes the Russian's hanger-on-in-chief, Denis Lachter, as saying the player is far from happy at his position in the team and that, what's more, so are Cesc Fábregas and Robin van Persie, both of whom, according to the words attributed to Lachter by the Mail, are "jealous" of Arshavin's growing popularity at Arsenal. If that isn't the most childish thing you've heard all day, then presumably you're surrounded by small nappy-clad people gurgling "goo goo, ga ga", which means you're either in a crèche or have traveled back in time to David O'Leary's Leeds. In which case you might tell Dave to wear one of those nappies near his mouth.

Oh yes readers, keeping things topical is what the Mill's all about. Anyway, Arsenal, here's what they're going to do to stop all the alleged squabbling: sign Lille's Michel Bastos, deploy him on the left and order him to (a) use his ferocious left boot to fire in the sort of crosses and shots that have made him one of the most exciting players in Ligue 1 this season and (b) not get too big for that there boot lest Fábregas and Van Persie be accused of getting the hump.

Elsewhere, Juventus may not noticed that Rafael Benítez has abandoned his caution in recent weeks but they're not convinced he has regained his senses, and so reckon the Liverpool manager still might want to sell Xavi Alonso.

Martin O'Neill wants to sign a Steaua Bucharest defender named Dorin Goian, possibly because the latter looks young and hale and winsome, but Oscar Wilde scholars have warned the Aston Villa manager to first check the Romanian's attic for any tell-tale portraits of a far less savory character.

Mick McCarthy wants a uncompromising center back in his own image; Sami Hyypia may not have a vast repertoire of bon mots about bacon slicers and bobbins, but he'll do.

And finally, a joke: AC Milan want to replace David Beckham with David Bentley.

Post your own rumors below or hijack this article to discuss something completely different. We don't mind