Thursday's Football Transfer Rumours: England Pats Itself on the Back

There's not much room in the papers this morning for juicy football gossip, as most of the Fourth Estate's finest appear to have been out in Oporto last night on a massive bender, and couldn't be bothered to make anything up. Plus the fact there was only just enough room on the pages for all the back-slapping, now that Arsenal and Manchester United have joined Chelsea in the semi-finals of the Champions League, proving England boasts the best goddamn football administrators, firms of accountants and megastore managers in Europe. Well done you. Well done me. Well done us. What a glorious nation.

Anyway, let's listen in as everyone pats themselves on the back in time to this:

Pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat Kaka wants Milan to sign Steven Gerrard. "He is a complete player," he was mistranslated. "I could see him fitting in really well in Milan" pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat Tottenham Hotspur will sell Darren Bent in the summer, providing they can find someone to buy him, that is pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat Arsenal are interested in buying back Matthew Upson pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat Wolverhampton Wanderers want Cardiff midfielder Joe Ledley and they're prepared to pay £7m for the privilege pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat Cristiano Ronaldo is already "formally" a Real Madrid player, according to president Ramon Calderon pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat

pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pattity pattity pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat pat although, thing is, Barcelona are going to win it, aren't they?

Feel free to leave your own unfounded gossip below, jingoistic or otherwise