Tony Blair's People's Proletarian

Where is Tony Blair when you need him? Just think what he would have made of Jade Goody's death - he'd have spotted the 26 pages in yesterday's Sun, and realized that he wanted a big slice of all this public sentiment.

Oh, at the weekend Gordon Brown made a workmanlike statement about the lost TV star, only about three times as long as the regrets he utters when yet another British soldier dies in Afghanistan. Blair, however, would have drained every drop like an automatic milking machine in overdrive. He would have walked out of church yesterday (like Princess Di, Jade died early on a Sunday morning) and with quivering lip he would have gazed into the camera to tell us how she had illuminated all our lives, how she had been a beacon of bravery to so many young men and women, and how she would always be within our hearts. "She truly was the People's Proletarian," he would have added. He would then have turned his back, but not before we'd seen an arm reach up as if to brush away a tear.

Brown, by contrast, gave us nothing more than a dreary statement on the European council meeting last weekend. But not before Keith Vaz made his big mistake. Mr Vaz is chairman of the home affairs committee. He wanted the government to agree to Sir Liam Donaldson's proposal to have a floor price for alcohol. It was the cheapness of booze that "has brought about the binge drinking culture in our committee!" he said. He quickly corrected himself to "in our city centers", but it was too late. A great wave of laughter, like a drunken teenager barfing in the street, crashed all over him.

Next we had the prime minister. The chamber began to empty when he started. Several MPs thought his statement was a good opportunity to bellow insults at each other. The same sort of thing happened when John Major had lost his standing and credibility; people aren't scared of him any more.

He outlined his economic policy, which I think of as the "new dress" strategy. If you have almost maxed out your credit card and can't possibly afford the payments, you are going to be depressed, and the only thing that will cheer you up is an expensive new dress. Or a Caribbean holiday. So you buy one, on the card.

Mr Brown tried to persuade us that all the other European leaders agreed. David Cameron tore into him. The prime minister was off to South America shortly, and only one country there had a bigger budget deficit than us. "It has come to something when a British prime minister has to go to Latin America to get a lecture on financial prudence."

Mr Brown's only defence was that Ken Clarke ("the shadow shadow chancellor") agreed with him more often than he agreed with David Cameron.

But help was at hand. Sir Peter Tapsell rose in his pomp. He was all in favor of the government's strategy.

"Quantitative easing" was needed to prevent us facing mass unemployment for years to come and to avoid "the terrible mistakes made in Germany 80 years ago!"

Thank heavens someone in the Commons doesn't believe that history began in 1997.