Thursday's Football Transfer Rumours: Michael Owen to Inter?

Bleurgh. Oh. Golly. Gosh. What's the time? Whose head are we wearing? Forget it, we can lie down for just a few minutes more. Hang on, who's that next to us? Oh, it's only Mrs Mill. Crikey, our head!

Two thousand and nine.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's trade!

Er, hang on a minute. Before we start, the Mill would like to express some concerns about the current financial conditions and their suitability for widespread trading, particularly with overseas markets. This is largely based on the front page of today's Express, which warns us to expect "Fruit and veg prices to soar!" Something about "the plunging pound" and "the specter of soaring unemployment" damaging deals with Europe. It "could lead to an increase in obesity and the risk of life-threatening conditions such as heart disease and cancer"! Better put the kettle on, this is scary stuff.

So we've got to forget about buying from Europe. No more kohlrabi in the Mill's shopping basket, then. But if that's true, surely those Europeans will all be over here eyeing up our bargain parsnips?

And it is true! We've got the proof, in the shape of a massive swap-plus-some-cash-if-you're-lucky deal to take British-as-Broccoli Michael Owen to Internazionale, with Jose Mourinho offering Adriano, or Honduran David Suazo and a bit of loose change. And Milan are willing to take advantage of the beneficial exchange rate to spend £6m on William Gallas. What do you mean broccoli was Italian in the first place?

Then there's Spain, who with all their pollytunnels are going to be the big winners from all this comestible inflation. Sure enough, there's so much cash flushing around the Spanish system that Real Madrid are ready to make a £55m double swoop to take Arsenal's not-strictly-speaking-British-but-they-grow-well-here-in-a-greenhouse Arsène Wenger and Cesc Fábregas to the Bernabéu, and they'll still have enough to steal turnip-topped Carlos Tevez from Manchester United.

It's good news for the old and unwanted vegetables that have been spending the last few months getting stale and wrinkly in a box somewhere, forgotten and discarded in the darkest, dankest corners of our poverty-wrecked nation. Suddenly suntanned foreign folk are eyeing them up lasciviously, with AEK Athens spotted asking how much a kilo of Lauren might cost, and Besiktas scouts seen in the Geremi aisle of Tesco's in Jesmond.

As for the likes of you and I, well we'll just have to buy locally-sourced goods. Why, in the fruitmongers at the end of my street this morning I saw Mark Hughes filling his £100m warchest (well it makes a change from those cloth baskets-on-wheels that grey-haired folk normally take to the shops) with the best of British, with Shay Given, Roque Santa Cruz, Kolo Touré, Craig Bellamy and Scott Parker already inside. I'm pretty sure he was trying to fit Wayne Bridge in too, though he told the shopkeeper that he would be unwilling to spend more than £12m on the attack-minded full-back, despite his obvious nutritional benefits.

Then there's Newcastle, who want Portsmouth's Papa Bouba Diop and Blackburn's Chris Samba, Tottenham plotting a £15m offer for Jermain Defoe and Bolton making unsuccessful bids for West Brom's James Morrison. It's a shot in the arm for the nation's unfashionable footballer farms, sure enough.

But it's bad news for Roma full-back Cicinho, who with imperfect timing has announced "I have done all I can in Italy. To play in England is my next step." Not ruddy likely, my son, we've got a recession on.