The Truth About Hitler's Genitals

Hitler did in fact have only one ball, the Sun claimed in an exclusive yesterday. The paper claims to have proof he lost it in the battle of the Somme in 1916. "Until now there has never been complete proof Hitler was monorchic," reports Alex Peake. (Monorchic, you won't need telling, betokens a male with one testis.) Steady on, Mr Peake. Greater historians than you have claimed things about Hitler that turned out to be false. Maybe, like the Hitler diaries, the story is a load of balls.

But, assuming it isn't, how does the revelation affect the veracity of other claims made in the song that British second-world war-troops sang to the tune of Colonel Bogey? The first verse goes:

Hitler has only got one ball,

The other is in the Albert Hall,

His mother, the dirty bugger,

Chopped it off when he was small.

Intriguing. It seems unlikely that Hitler's ball would have made the journey from the Somme to the Albert Hall. (Yesterday no one at the Albert Hall was prepared to confirm my thesis that the testis is under seat J37, which would explain why I was so uncomfortable during the Proms). In another version, sung by Mancunians, it is "in the Free Trade Hall". A third has "the kitchen wall".

If Frau Hitler did indeed chop of her son's ball, why would she post it to one of several leading British concert halls? Much more likely, surely, that she put it on her kitchen wall for safekeeping (possibly because she had a presentiment that her son's body parts would prove posthumously valuable on eBay). It seems that Frau Hitler has been traduced: bad enough to be Hitler's mother without being a weirdo who posts her son's knacker to London SW7.

We haven't even considered the possibility that it was Göring not Hitler who was monorchic - something claimed in another version of the song:

Göring has only got one ball.

Hitler's [are] so very small

Himmler's so very similar

And Goebbels has no balls at all.

Fascinating. When were Hitler and Himmler's genitals compared? Are we to suppose both Goebbels' parents mutilated him? Clearly more research needs to be done. Ideally not by me.