Paris Heads for the Final Frontier

Hot on the heels of yesterday's blog special, Wordsworth with Lily Allen, comes a new celebucational series. Take your seats for Special Relativity with Paris Hilton.

Paris is apparently booked to travel on the first commercial space flight next year in the Virgin Enterprise - Richard Branson's suborbital DeLorean. And it is with matters loosely connected with the plot of Back to the Future that our beloved celebutante is currently preoccupied.

"I'm very scared to do it," she tells an interviewer, who may or may not have precipitated the question with some observation on the twin paradox, the Einsteinian thought experiment that explores notions of time dilation. "What if I don't come back?" Paris wonders.

"With the whole light-years thing, what if I come back 10,000 years later, and everyone I know is dead? I'll be like, 'Great. Now I have to start all over.'"

Are these not the risks the young Hilton must take if she wishes to explore the final frontier? Perhaps. But while this dystopian fate might seem to be the ultimate Running Man version of the fish-out-of-water TV formats that Paris has made her own, her critics should beware of assuming that being stranded in the future would be the end of the heiress.

On the contrary, any serious study of Paris's oeuvre reveals that she has exceptional survival instincts, and would swiftly adapt to her new dimension. Sure, everyone in 12009 will be wearing lightweight Teflon exoskeletons, but just think how swiftly Paris would shed hers. She'd know that all it takes is one hologram amateur porno with some skeezy guy from the docking port, and she would explode into 121st century consciousness like the eternal star that she is. After that, it would simply be a matter of being sent to various red state reaches of the galactic confederacy with an equally gimlet-eyed sidekick, with whom she could giggle snobbishly as the pair are put to work on menial tasks such as moisture-farming or running a fly-thru spacecraft-wash.

Of course, the great career arc will be slightly threatened in 12011, when Paris's decision to get behind the controls of a sports utility craft while under the influence of moon-sourced moonshine will see her sent to an intergalactic penal colony. But that isn't the end of Paris. Far from it, in fact, as well as far, far away, and all very much to be continued ...