FC Twente v Arsenal - Live!

Preamble:Of the 24,786,983 scenarios that cut-price boffins today ran through guardian.co.uk's spluttering ultra high-powered mega-computer, only two were found in which Steve McClaren could possibly win a battle of wits with Arsene Wenger: (i) the Frenchman is tranquilized, lobotomized and force fed spiked plonk; or (ii) Arsenal are deprived of no less nine senior players, including midfield metronome Cesc Fabregas, center back Kolo Toure, Czech schemer Tomas Rosicky, French starlet Samir Nasri and Swiss person Philippe Senderos. Spookily, Scenario II is what we have tonight. Suitably nervous, Gooners?

No? Then consider two more omens: Twente set up this tie by beating Ajax in a play-off; residents of Twente are called Tukkers … which means a fortunate last-gasp victory paving the way for headlines such as Lucky Tukkers! (or Tukkers' Luck, if you prefer) seem inevitable.

McClaren didn't have much luck as England manager and he compounded misfortune with misjudgments, leaving the nation so psychologically scarred that people have tended to belittle his achievement in taking Boro to League Cup victory and the final of the Uefa Cup (yes he spent money to do that, but many clubs have splurged without being rewarded with even that modest success). Still, the fact is that if Arsenal are eliminated by a team coached by McClaren Gooners will never, ever live it down. Ever. Never ever. Ever.

In fact, I've been trying to think of a more embarrassing European result in Arsenal's past: the 1-0 home defeat to Lens in 1998 wasn't too clever, but was mitigated by the fact that the opponents were, after all, French champions; there was that woeful spell in 2000 when Arsenal regularly froze in the east, losing 3-0 to Shakter Donetsk and 4-1 to Spartak Moscow but they still progressed farther than either of those teams so that wasn't too mortifying; so the only time Arsaenal have endured European ignominy that would be comparable to McClaren's men must surely have been in the second round of the 1982 Uefa Cup, when they were beaten on away goals by a Belgian outfit operating under the magnificent name of … KFC Winterslag.

To follow Arsenal's attempt to stave off similar humiliation, come back here at 7.30pm. You know you want to.