Olympics: Woodward Promises to Learn Lessons for 2012

UNDER MY UMBRELLA (ELLA ELLA, EH EH EH)

The McDonald's Samsung Adidas Visa Johnson & Johnson Coca-Cola One-World-One-Love Don't Mention Tibet, Darfur Or Sudan Olympic Games may only be a few days old, but the Fiver is already sick of hearing plucky British losers telling assorted BBC reporters how getting a lesson from Michael Phelps/the Chinese/a random-Korean-with-a-crossbow was "a great experience that will benefit me in four year's time, so roll on London 2012." Woo!

One man who should be aware that abject failure in one major competition is no guarantee of success in the next is FC Twente manager Second-Choice Steve, who has been parroting the same kind of guff as several UK Olympians ahead of his side's Big Cup elimination against Arsenal, the first leg of which takes place in Holland tomorrow night. "The young players can get a lot of experience in these big matches," he said. "Not only now but with one eye on the future. We are not just the underdogs, but we are very big underdogs. Nobody will expect FC Twente to beat Arsenal. We have nothing to lose."

Except their chains, the big crock of gold on offer to teams who make it to the group stages, and their manager's big chance to shake off his reputation as an umbrella-carrying failure with painted teeth and a peculiar island of hair on his forehead where no peculiar island of hair should exist. "Looking back to last season is useless. That was the first thing I made clear to the squad. You cannot live on the success you had before," added Steve, a man who younger readers may be surprised to hear has enjoyed success of sorts in the past. "This is football, anything can happen," he insisted, presumably for the benefit of anyone who might have missed England's hapless attempts to qualify for Euro 2008 and didn't already know.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"In the short term, it is business as usual. We don't rely on Dr Thaksin's money" - Human Rights FC suit Garry Cook puts his fingers in his ears and hopes all the nasty problems will go away la la la la la la la long-term what?

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PLAY! WIN! LOSE! SIT IN FRONT OF GILLETTE SOCCER SATURDAY EVERY WEEK SWEARING AT JEFF STELLING FOR TELLING YOU THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR!

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INTRODUCING THE FIVER'S SIBLING-LESS, MAHJONG-PLAYING, FALUN-GONG PRACTICING, OLYMPIC COUSIN ... THE BEIJINGER!

Sign up now for The Beijinger - guardian.co.uk's breakfast-time take on the Olympic Games. As informative as the Fiver and even less funny, this daily digest - state censorship permitting - brings you up to speed with the big overnight stories from the Games, including tales of plucky British losers, Great Leaps Forward, police brutality and no end of Olympic comment, gossip and insight from our team in China.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Joe Cole may have to cut out the cheeky c0ckney sparrah act should he end up, as is rumoured, at Liverpool. Although given his voice is only audible to dogs with particularly sharp hearing, it might not actually make much difference either way.

The Emmerdale Eminem is packing up his Newcastle crib and heading to either Aston, in order to play for the local Villa club, or Everton, where he would be a shoo-in to get sent off in both Merseyside derbies next season.

And Roy Keane is buying some green winkle-pickers, a "drop" of "the black stuff", a fiddle, a sign for Tipperary and some high-grade (ie particularly tedious) craic in a desperate attempt to make Benfica striker Ariza 'Murphy' Makukula appear more authentically Oirish. Only then will he sign him up for Sundireland.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Avram Grant has emerged unharmed after a light aircraft crashed 10 metres away from him at a Namibian airport. The pilot, who is not in the employ of Roman Abramovich, also escaped unhurt.

Wigan striker Marlon King is one cough for the doctor away from signing a one-year loan deal with Hull City.

Tim Leiweke, owner of LA Galaxy, has denied that David Beckham or his "people" had anything to do with the abrupt departure from the club of manager Ruud Gullit and Catweazle lookalike Alexi Lalas.

Aston Villa midfielder Steve Sidwell will miss this week's Euro Vase qualifier in Iceland with calf-knack.

Juande Ramos has lured veteran Spanish goalkeeper Cesar Sanchez to White Hart Lane with some Werther's Originals, a free bus pass and dubbed versions of all 4,532 episodes of Last of the Summer Wine in which Compo rolls down a hill in a bathtub then gets covered in water which comes out of a pipe and pours on to his head.

Manchester United are desirous of signing David Silva, but Valencia claim the Spanish attacker "doesn't want to play in England. David Silva will start the new season at Valencia". So expect, within the week, the player to rock up at Old etc, and so on, and so forth.

This isn't very interesting but it takes up a lot of space, which is good. Scotland squad to play Norn Iron 1-0 in a Hampden friendly on August 20 has been announced thus: Craig Gordon (SundIreland), David Marshall (Norwich City), Allan McGregor (Pope's O'Rangers), Darren Barr (Falkirk), Christophe Berra (Hearts), Gary Caldwell (Queen's Celtic), Callum Davidson (Preston), Stephen McManus (Queen's Celtic), Kevin McNaughton (Cardiff City), Gary Naysmith (Sheffield United), Steven Whittaker (Pope's O'Rangers), Scott Brown (Queen's Celtic), Kris Commons (Derby County), Shortbread McFiver (Fiver Towers) Darren Fletcher (Manchester United), Paul Hartley (Queen's Celtic), James Morrison (West Brom), Gavin Rae (Cardiff City), Barry Robson (Queen's Celtic), Kevin Thomson (Pope's O'Rangers), Kris Boyd (Pope's O'Rangers), David Clarkson (Motherwell), Steven Fletcher (Hibernian), James McFadden (Bongo FC), Kenny Miller (Pope's O'Rangers).

Dutch winger Marc Overmars, who retired from football after running away to a Barcelona circus in 2000, is returning to the game with the McVities Go Ahead Eagles.

And the Fiver's thrifty, alcoholic, red-haired, aggressive, paranoid and stereotypical cousin Shortbread McFiver was so excited by his Scotland call-up that he has just spilt his booze. "Aw naw," he exclaimed as the entire contents of a 1.5l bottle of Functional Bevvy soaked into the deep Axminster at Fiver Towers. "Ma booze! Ma booze!"

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STILL WANT MORE?

In our 13th Premier League preview, Rob Smyth has jammed Newcastle's foot into those slide-rule things you used to get in shoe-shops and sized them up making sure there's room to grow.

And in the 14th, Mike Adamson has done something eerily similar with 'Arry Redknapp's Portsmouth , except with one of those things on the walls of doctors' surgeries that they use for measuring your height.

If you reckon that Arsene Wenger or Rafa Benitez can win the Premier League this season then Kevin McCarra is gonna smash your face in. [Kevin McCarra's legal team would like to make it clear that Kevin McCarra is not going to smash your face in if you reckon that Arsene Wenger or Rafa Benitez can win the Premier League this season]

And in tomorrow's £0.80 Big Paper: news, views, and adverts for laptops you cannot afford. And something about the Olympics, expertly penned by Richard Williams, or Marina Hyde, or both.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: yesterday's last line - is there any other sort of rodent apart from a furry one?" - Garreth Cummins.

"Did the Fiver get a letter from Richard Gere which somehow managed to spill out into the next section?" - Ciaran Neeson.

"Re: winking EuroDisney League referee Eddie Smith (yesterday's quote of the day). Maybe he ate some grapefruit before the match. Pulp can move, baby!" - Chad Thomas.

"Given the rapid advance of Russian military forces into Plucky Little Georgia, I don't think Ireland will have to worry about moving their tie to a neutral venue (yesterday's news in brief), as it is likely to be (unofficially) part of Russia by then and therefore neutral anyway (too soon?)" - Paul Jurdeczka.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk

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TOO SOON