All-Singing, All-dancing Pyrotechnic Extravaganzas

THOSE POOR GIRLS IN WHITE DRESSES SURROUNDING THE INFIELD HAVE BEEN SMILING, DANCING AND CLAPPING IN SWELTERING HEAT WITHOUT A BREAK FOR OVER TWO HOURS NOW ... AND ROBINHO THINKS HE HAS PROBLEMS

Jerry Seinfeld used to do a bit about how much he admired the Chinese for their stubbornness in sticking with chopsticks, even though they'd seen westerners using forks. And considering they've also seen the all-singing, all-dancing pyrotechnic extravaganzas of other Olympic hosts, the Fiver assumed the same stubbornness would result in today's opening ceremony featuring nothing more spectacular an old peasant man riding a donkey, carrying a paper lantern hanging from the end of a stick.

How wrong we were.

Featuring enough gunpowder and meticulously drilled Chinese citizens to carry out the occupation of 10 Tibets, Beijing 2008's big kick-off was audacious enough to ... EXTREMELY TENUOUS LINK AHOY ... knock Chelsea's dogged pursuit of Robinho off the radar of all but the most dogged sports news hound ... and the Fiver. It seems the Brazilian winger is increasingly disenchanted with life at the Bernabeu and would welcome the opportunity to join Chesterf ... sorry, Chelsea.

"Robinho is very angry with the way the Madrid bosses are treating him," thundered the player's Mr 15%, Wagner Ribero. "He didn't like the idea of being fourth choice in the plans Madrid have had this summer. His plan was to play for Madrid for many years. Where can he find a better club than Madrid?"

At Stamford Bridge, apparently, where Ribero reckons "Robinho is getting affection from Scolari" and club suits have tabled a £19.5m bid. Although the phrase "getting affection from Scolari" conjures up all sorts of images in the Fiver's mind, none of them particularly pleasant, it seems that Robinho is feeling so disillusioned with being unwanted that daily phone-calls from his compatriot are currently all that's keeping him going. But with Real president Ramon Calderon proving less open to Chelsea's advances than his want-away Brazilian, if last season's Big Cup and Premier League runners-upwant to get their man, they'd better make like the organisers of London 2012 and add a zero or two to the amount of their totally unrealistic original bid.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Just how did a team that qualified for the Champions League in 2005 and has finished fifth and sixth in the last two seasons, get into a situation where it now seems they must fill a far-off new stadium before being able to fill their team sheet?" - extract from the assessment of Everton's Premier League chances written by the Fiver's Paul Doyle on Wednesday.

"Just how did a team that qualified for the Champions League in 2005 and has finished fifth and sixth in the last two seasons, get into a situation where it now seems they must fill a far-off new stadium before being able to fill their team sheet?" - extract from the assessment of Everton's Premier League chances written by Liverpool Echo columnist David Prentice today.

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PLAY! WIN! SIT IN FRONT OF SOCCER SATURDAY EVERY WEEK SWEARING AT JEFF STELLING FOR TELLING YOU THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR!

Roll up, roll up, for Guardian Fantasy Football. It costs nothing to enter but offers a £50,000 prize fund - including weekly and monthly prizes. It's also more realistic than other fantasy football games: from 4-4-2 to 4-1-3-1-1 there are 10 different formations to choose from and unlike most other fantasy football games you get points for shots, saves and (accurate!) crosses as wells as goals, assists and clean sheets. You can also play against your mates or rival supporters in a Friends' League. To play, click here, then sign up for the Fiver's Friend's League (League Name: The Fiver. Password: fiver2008). As if the privilege of having the world's most tea-timely email as your mate isn't enough, we'll have a decent - as yet unspecified - prize for that too.

Guardian Pick the Score

Yes, this is still here too and it does exactly what it says on the tin. For each weekly winner there's a signed shirt of the Premier League club of your choice up for grabs, while the overall champion will win an England shirt signed by, depending on Don Fabio, players who are fit to wear it.

To sign up and play, click here.

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INTRODUCING THE FIVER'S SIBLING-LESS, MAHJONG-PlAYING, FALUN-GONG PRACTICING, OLYMPIC COUSIN ... THE BEIJINGER!

Sign up now for The Beijinger - guardian.co.uk's breakfast-time take on the Olympic Games. As informative as the Fiver and likely to be even less funny, this daily digest will - state censorship permitting - bring you up to speed with the big overnight stories from the Games, including tales of plucky British losers, Great Leaps Forward, police brutality and no end of Olympic comment, gossip and insight from our team in China.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

After working his way through Tottenham's list of dead men walking, Roy Keane is set to revert to his original plan of buying guaranteed Irish by launching a bid for Reading's Kevin Doyle.

Officials from Roma could use their trip to play Tottenham in London this weekend to try to negotiate a deal for Chelsea midfielder Florent Malouda. Or else they may go shopping in the West End where they'll get even less for their £8m.

Following a season of over-achievement, Martin O'Neill intends to bring Aston Villa fans back down to earth by placing Younes Kaboul in his defence alongside new signings Nicky Shorey and Luke Young.

While Gareth Barry's transfer to Liverpool, which has had more deadlines than a Palestinian ceasefire, is definitely off after Liverpool co-owner Tom Hick failed to raise enough money selling cowboy boots off the back of his pick-up truck.

And Darren Fletcher will drop to the level we all know he belongs when he signs for the Queen's Celtic.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Baby-faced Russian method actor Andrei Arshavin has totally immersed himself in character in a bid to moan his way to White Hart Lane. "I understand perfectly well that if I don't move on now, I probably never will," he declared. "I'm just hoping that one fine morning the bosses at Gazprom will wake up in a good mood and say: 'We've had enough of Arshavin's whining - let's let him go'."

In a move that can only bode well for Alan Curbishley's future, West Ham co-owner Asgeir Fridgeirsson has sided with Freddie Ljungberg, the player they have just made redundant, over his manager. "It's the manager and his management team who are responsible for paying out the player's salary," Fridgeirsson huffawed, as he looked at the £13m-shaped hole in his coffers, the cost of Freddie's season at Upton Park.

You may have thought that the once-great Community Shield (it was great, once, in 1974) could not be diminished further, but Sir Alex Ferguson is going to give it a good go by fielding players in Sunday's 'showpiece' that aren't even fit. "The Community Shield is a prestigious match," Ferguson fibbed. "But I have used players in it [before] who were not quite fit and we are more or less in the same situation again."

The closest thing to a cup at Coventry City next season will be Stephen Wright's head now that the former Liverpool and Sunderland full-back has signed a two-year deal at the Ricoh Arena.

And after fighting tooth and nail to keep deportation-threatened Al Bangura in the UK last season, Watford have shown their commitment to keeping him there by sending him home from the club's pre-season tour of Austria for "disciplinary reasons".

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STILL WANT MORE?

In the ninth of our Premier League previews, Paul Doyle explains why Liverpool have no chance of winning, then ducks for cover behind the nearest tree ...

... where he got in amongst the chances of Human Rights FC with a great big pen.

They may be the richest club in the world, but Iain Dowie's Rich Men's Plaything won't have it all their own way in the deliciously unpredictable Championship, writes John Ashdown.

After their comical Big Cup exit, the Pope's O'Rangers have little more than the league to concentrate on. They still won't win it, writes Ewan Murray in his EuroDisney League preview.

Never mind ISAs and hedge funds, the best way to turn your pennies into pounds is by backing our carefully considered ante post Football League betting tips.

Apart from the fact that they're not very good, how much do you know about the England football team? Test your knowledge in our daily quiz.

And in tomorrow's all-singing, all-dancing Olympic Big Paper: more Beijing-related reading matter than any sane individual could possibly need, all the build-up to the Football League and SPL kick-offs, plus Charlie Brooker's peerless Screen Burn in The Guide (unless he's ill or on holiday, in which case it'll be somebody else's disappointingly-inadequate-by-comparison Screen Burn).

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Mark Clattenburg not being allowed referee the Community Shield (yesterday's news in brief). If being involved with a company that has debts precludes you from featuring in this match, who will replace Manchester United (£650m and rising) and Portsmouth (owned by Alexandre Gaydamak, who has been a director of seven British companies, all of which have now been dissolved). What next? Credit checks for fans before they can go to a game?" - Ed Pettit.

"What's with the alphabetical approach to the pre-season previews? West Ham's season will be over by the time I read about how West Ham's season will be over. Besides that I'm fundamentally opposed to anything that puts Arsenal first" - Rob Parrish.

"Re: James Andrews dice picture (yesterdays letters). Despite the entirely justified pleas for mercy on this subject, it is apparent that we have not yet heard the last of it" - Neil Cowan.

"Re: James Andrews and his picture of an 18-sided dice (yesterday's Fiver letters). Can I be the 1,057th pedant to point out that it is not a dice, it is an 18-sided shape. James may not have noticed, but dice have numbers on each side, which is how I distinguish them from any multi-sided pieces of plastic I have lying around" - Patrick Ebbutt.

"Can I be one of a number of pedants to point out that there was only one die in the photograph, rather than two or more dice" - Stephen Brophy (and 1,056 others).

"Re: Simon Collier's inquiry as to how many points you'd get in Scrabble for Stefan Kuntz (Yesterday's Fiver). Not nearly as many as you'd get for him in Death Race 2000" - Mick Ward.

"Judging by recent Fiver letter sections perhaps it's about time that you considering copying/ripping off Private Eye and create a separate pedantry corner. Although a potential problem would be what to put on the remaining letters' section" - Andrew Collins.

Send your letters, about anything but dice, to the.boss@guardian.co.uk

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THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME