England v South Africa - As It Happened

Morning Rob will be here from around 10.45am. In the meantime, here is Duncan Fletcher's message to KP.

Preamble Hello. Just as David Brent doesn't give rubbish jobs, so England and South Africa don't really do dead rubbers. Of the 31 Tests since South Africa's readmission, 30 have been during a live series – and Hansie Cronje managed to inject some context into the eyeballs of the 31st, the contrived finish at Centurion in 1999-2000. Now the 32nd, ostensibly a dead rubber, has been infused with fresh breath by the appointment of Kevin Pietersen as England captain.

Whether he will be a breath of a fresh air is up for debate. I was against his appointment, mainly because of the impact it will surely have upon his baHE'SNOTROBERTKEYISTHEMAINPOINTtting. In his sole game as England captain so far, the ODI against New Zealand, he seemed weighed down by how a captain should be seen to bat, making 6 from 23 balls. The instinct that so is fundamental to his batting was squashed.

For now, however, a repeat of Nasser Hussain's pair in victory on this ground in 2000 would do nicely. However cosmetic it might be, England desperately need a result. If they lose, it will be the first non-Ashes summer since 1988 in which they have lost three Tests. The statistical evidence against Peter Moores and the shower whose temperature he controls is already sadly damning. The last time England lost home series in consecutive years, for example, was 1997; the last time they did so when neither series involved Australia was 1987. In nine Tests against decent opposition under Moores, they have yet to win a match, or even take 20 wickets.

This is surely England's worst team since 1999, and the fact that they come to the Oval talking up the potential significance of what would be a meaningless victory in the context of the series is another indication that we are back to those bad old 90s days of unremitting mediocrity.

The overwhelming emotion is not anger or even frustration so much as a bittersweet sadness, like when you look in someone's eyes and recognise that you no longer love each other, and never well. And a showy, sexy frock imported from South Africa won't change that. Can't fight fate. Yet it's not even three years since September 12 2005, the day we swapped hearts for eternity. How did it come to this?

Pitchwatch While it's not as slow as it was around the turn of the century, it's still ladyboy-flat and high scores have predominated in recent years. But overhead conditions can make a difference, the most notable example being the fourth day of the 2005 Ashes Test, and with it looking a bit funky overhead in London there might just be a temptation to bowl first.

Graeme Smith wins the toss and bats first I'll shut up then.

The teams South Africa are unchanged; England are a shower.

England: Cook, Strauss, Bell, Pietersen (c, MBE, OBE, BA HONS), Collingwood, Flintoff, Ambrose (LCS), Broad, Harmison, Anderson, Panesar.

South Africa: Smith (c), McKenzie, Amla, Kallis, Prince, de Villiers, Boucher (wk), Morkel, Harris, Nel, Ntini.

Our warmest congratulations go to OBO groupie Andy Bradshaw, whose first born, Dylan Richard, came into the world this week. No pay-off, no cheap gags: just the caring, sharing face of Rebranded Website.

Don't pick your nose. Pick something else Pick the score. That's what you get to do in guardian.co.uk's dead good, dead simple football prediction game, Pick The Score. For those interested in joining an OBO league for 2008-09, just email me with your email address, in a message entitled 'I'll give you something to pick, hombre', and I'll forward you an invitation to join the league.

A question Why do we, correctly, have considerable sympathy for Marcus Trescothick's mental difficulties but none whatsoever for Steve Harmison's? Just asking, like.

1st over: South Africa 1-0 (Smith 0, McKenzie 0)So the story begins. No on-field huddle, an innovation (sic) that won't be at all missed. And Harmison has Smith dropped off the first ball of the match! What a start: it was short, jagging away a touch, and Smith slapped it straight to gully where Cook, crouching, dropped what was by Test standards a sitter.

Overall it's an excellent over from Harmison: the fourth ball lifts to rattle Smith in the breadbasket, and the fifth swings back to take the inside edge and fly into the baby maker. Smith hits the canvas and Harmison smiles for the first time since 2005. Then off the last ball, Ambrose contrives to punch it into his own mouth after it lifted late; there's a bit of blood but no dentistry issues; no teeth rattling everywhere like confetti.

"Just wondering if the England shower you mention is for Andy Bradshaw's new nipper, Dylan Richard," honks Chris Brock. "Ahem."

2nd over: South Africa 2-0 (Smith 1, McKenzie 0) Jimmy Anderson - who isn't the subject of that great M.I.A. song, contrary to no reports whatsoever - starts at the other end and shapes one past Smith's outside edge. I think there's been some shape out there! When McKenzie gets on strike he does what he does: nothing, watching the ball go past off stump or, if it gets too close, defending diligently. He's an admirable fellow, this McKenzie. Saying which, he aims an airy-fairy pull at the last delivery, quite wide of off stump, and fresh-airs it.

"Isn't it because Banger had a note from the doctor, and Grievous Bodily never got one?" honks Tom Walling.

3rd over: South Africa 6-0 (Smith 2, McKenzie 3) McKenzie, trying to leave at the last minute, drags Harmison just wide of his off stump, and then pulls his bat away from a ball that lifts nastily. Then McKenzie mistimes another leave, this time steering it on the bounce to second slip, before pushing through the covers for three. There is good kick in this pitch; it seems to have more life than it did last year, when India batted two days for about 1,450.

"Banger knew he had issues, and, despite the risk to his central contract, put the team first and withdrew," says Leo Carroll. "Harmy on the other hand, despite obviously having real problems with being away from his family, continues to turn up in body but not spirit, and ends up bowling like a drain for two years before being dropped." But couldn't you argue he puts the team first by going on tour in the first place? The easy option would be to not turn up. I am not, in any way, criticizing Trescothick here; I just think we are too harsh on Harmison.

4th over: South Africa 7-0 (Smith 2, McKenzie 4) Bit of a nothing over from Anderson.

"In the interviews immediately after the toss, I take it that KP first obliged the home broadcasters, then the South African broadcasters, perhaps in Afrikaans?" says Gary Naylor. "That he can switch-hit in languages too is rather impressive."

5th over: South Africa 7-0 (Smith 2, McKenzie 4) This is good stuff from Harmison, who is grooved, hitting the pitch hard (top pace is around 88mph) and even getting the odd delivery to swing away from the right-hander. It's a maiden.

Here's Richard Smyth. "If "we" don't have sympathy for Steve Harmison after all he's done for us (the anticipatory thrill of that vulpine, baggy-shirted run-up, his Windies carnage, that first-day spell to Ponting and Langer, That Slower Ball To Michael Clarke) then it can only be because "we" are a*holes who like to spout guff about "character" and "guts" (because "we" secretly imagine that we have far more guts and character than he does, if only we had been lucky enough to have his god-given talent, or, as Mike Selvey prefers to call it, "height"). In sum, I love Steve Harmison more than a man should love another man." I know that feeling: it stirs every time I watched Anderson's penalty in the Champions League final.

6th over: South Africa 8-0 (Smith 3, McKenzie 4) The over-rate is redefining funereal - six in over half an hour - mainly because of problems behind the bowler's arm and problems with Ambrose's molars. The first ball of Anderson's over pins Graham Smith in front of middle, but it pitched a long way outside leg and Steve Davis barely bothers to shake his head. Smith then chops a cut back past his off stump. South Africa haven't got the pace of this pitch yet; while it's not quick, I think it's taken them by surprise.

"Andrew Miller just challenged you to a game of Word Twist," writes Word Twist. Be back in five. You kids'll be okay on your own, won't you?

7th over: South Africa 10-0 (Smith 4, McKenzie 5) Opposite me, Sam Collins is doo-doo-dooing the Violent Femmes, just what you need on a Thursday morning. Smith tucks Harmison off his hip for a single, and it's all pretty sedate stuff at the moment. South Africa will be happy to bat time until lunch, after which this pitch should lose some of its zing.

"Is it because Trescothick has admitted to his problems openly, sought treatment and generally acted unselfishly?" asks Rachel Clifton. "And Harmison has never admitted having problems, appears to be truculent and sulky, and post the Ashes debacle, gave the impression of needing to be told what was wrong with his game, rather than taking any responsibility for what had happened?" Or, as Tim Canterbury says, is it Buckaroo?

8th over: South Africa 14-0 (Smith 4, McKenzie 7) Anderson, as Collins opposite me observes, is still a touch too short - this has been the case for a while now, as part of the attempt to make him a more complete bowler. Which is fine, but in attempting to do so they killed the golden arm. South Africa are eschewing risk now, which is sensible because it's clammy overhead and nipping around a touch. It would nip around a lot more if someone pitched it up. Get Collingwood on.

Alexander Netherton has sent an email to the wrong address: mine. "Kathryn, one word: biological clock," it reads. This is brilliant. I'm forwarding it onto everyone. If only he'd attached a bongo pic of himself, the story would be in London Lite this evening. Good paper, that. Free.

9th over: South Africa 14-0 (Smith 4, McKenzie 7) Harmison shapes one back to pin McKenzie in front of middle on the back foot, but it was bouncing well over the top and Aleem Dar says no. The next ball takes a leading edge and goes to slip on the bounce. Credit where etc: Harmison has bowled very well this morning.

Here's Ben Mimmack. "Tresco is seen as genuinely ill, whereas Harmison is seen as mentally weak. The first elicits either sympathy or discomfort from the general population and is therefore not widely discussed. Perceived mental weakness on the other hand is used as a stick to beat someone whenever they play poorly. This is a bit heavy though, how about we discuss most hated cartoon characters from childhood. I'll vote for Snarf from Thundercats." Mine: Ian Rush, him from Milli Vanilli, and Radio 1's Mark Goodier.

10th over: South Africa 19-0 (Smith 9, McKenzie 7) Anderson swings a length delivery across Smith's grope. Later in the over Smith gets the first boundary of the day, clipping Anderson crisply off his pads. In the commentary box Botham is blaming "the previous regime" (he can't bring himself to utter the words 'Duncan' and 'Fletcher') for Harmison's failings. What utter poppycock. When are people going to accept that Duncan Fletcher is the greatest coach England have ever had, followed by a whole load of daylight and arguably the best technical coach in the history of the game. The lack of respect we show the man is disgusting.

"Word Twist is very dangerous,' moral-panics Tom Wallins. "I'm addicted, and I get struck down by the anagram flu all the time. Someone will say a word, for instance 'winsome', and I can't hear the rest of what they say because I'm immediately off: 'wins, some, snow, wine, wines...' Debilitating socially." I have the condition where, as I'm trying to get to sleep, I start playing Word Twist in my mind's eye. Used to happen with Tetris as well, until I started physically trying to twist the blocks when I was sharing a bed with a mate. Utter farce: injunctions, the lot. We don't speak anymore.

11th over: South Africa 27-0 (Smith 9, McKenzie 15) Harmison beats McKenzie with an absolute peach - fuller, vrooming away off the seam and still lifting enough for Ambrose to take it in front of his mouth. Mind you he'd take a grubber in front of his mouth. Honk. Honk. McKenzie responds with a superb, short-arm pull through midwicket for four, a strange but highly effective shot, and then he tucks four more to fine leg next ball.

"Really was not a fan of Dogtanian out of the Muskerhounds," says Tom Banks. Loved the other three but there was something deeply sinister about the flashing red-nosed one.

12th over: South Africa 32-0 (Smith 14, McKenzie 15) Flintoff is on for Anderson, and Smith pulls him authoritatively over midwicket for four. South Africa have had their sighter, adjusted to the pace of the pitch, and are enjoying themselves now. But Flintoff's response is a good one: he switches to around the wicket and seams one past Smith's outside edge. It's seriously quite at the Oval, by the way. It's as if all the JCLs are learning the rules of cycling in preparation for watching Pendleton and that lot.

"Scrappy Doo wins this contest every time," says Marcus Littlejohns. How can anyone hate Scrappy Doo? That's one step away from introducing cute puppies to water.

13th over: South Africa 33-0 (Smith 15, McKenzie 15) Harmison has slipped his length up a touch, and then surprises Smith with a really short one that he ducks slightly desperately underneath. That will probably be Harmison's spell, and it's been a pretty good one: 7-3-15-0. Smith and McKenzie both have 15 from 40 balls, with two fours, and that's drinks.

"Are you kidding?" says Richard Simpson. "You really think we should have sympathy for a 29-30 year old sportsman who gets homesick? Is it just me that wants to call him a big jessie? Misses his family? Give me a break - he gets paid very well to play a game! If I ask my boss to go home because I miss the cat I'll be told to get back to my desk monkey job sharpish, or do one." Next week on Richard Simpson's Modern Man, why that lot must never - never - be allowed to leave the kitchen.

KP watch It's difficult to discern a real sense of a captain's work from TV, but there has been no mention of anything unusual from the commentator's. He's set missionary-position fields - three slips, gully, etc - but there's no harm in that.

Tonight's top story in the London Lite takes another twist. "Tell Alex that that is in fact two words. And I'd rather spend the money on anti-wrinkle cream than a wedding," says Kathryn Oliver. Whatever next?

14th over: South Africa 36-0 (Smith 17, McKenzie 16) Pollock, who knows a little bit more than me about bowling, also says England have been too short this morning. (Pollock is superb commentator by the way, isn't he? He does revolutionary stuff, like analyze the cricket.) Obviously the attack has three deck-hitters, but Anderson could definitely have shoved it further up. Anyway, it's Flintoff again, and not much happens. The sun is coming out, and South Africa will be booking in for at least a day and a half, I'd have thought.

Here's Tim Kingston. "Does anyone else remember Gideon the Duck?" I thought that was something to do with the Yarras? "He used to help out the other animals. In one episode he assisted his friends the fish by killing the fisherman – then, as was his wont at the conclusion of his adventure, he did a little song and dance to celebrate the murder.

15th over: South Africa 45-0 (Smith 26, McKenzie 16) Harmison continues, in fact, and Smith pulls his first two balls for four - the first witheringly through midwicket, the second sweetly through square leg. It looks like one over too many for Harmison and, to answer Lee Calvert's question, he's not the only one getting that "South Africa 327-4 (Smith 147*)" feeling. Looks a really good deck, this.

In other news, it seems everyone does hate Scrappy Doo after all. Philistines.

16th over: South Africa 47-0 (Smith 28, McKenzie 16) Flintoff probes away on a length around Smith's off stump from around the wicket and then, when he pitches one up and a fraction wider, Smith reaches and snicks it very low to the left of Cook at third slip, who can't hold on to an unspeakable difficult chance. Technically Cook has dropped Smith twice; the two chances could barely have been of varying difficult, though. Excellent bowling.

"I'm grateful to Fletcher - he was a fine technical coach for batsmen, but his limitations as a bowling coach were exposed once Cooley shipped out," says Gary Naylor. "England's bowling has been in crisis since. Despite Moores having an entourage of P Diddy proportions, I still can't see who is coaching Monty - and he really needs it! Whoever coaches the fielders isn't too impressive either." All sense from the great man, as ever. He once got something wrong, though - about the Romanians doing their hair blond at the 1998 World Cup - and we live in hope of a repeat.

17th over: South Africa 47-0 (Smith 28, McKenzie 16) Broad replaces Harmison. Bowling on this pitch will further his education, which is what England must do at every opportunity now that the foreseeable future is a write off. The fourth ball is a beauty: on a length and curving beautifully past McKenzie's nervous grope. A good, discipline start from Broad: a maiden.

"My most hated cartoon character from childhood was Scooby Doo's all-American hero Fred 'Freddie' Jones," says John Thurstans. "Mainly because he was going out with the delectable Daphne but also because he always got to unmask the villain even though Velma had been the one to work out who it was. Glory grabber." Yes, John did just use the phrase "the delectable Daphne" to describe a cartoon character. No, John Thurstans doesn't make eye contact with the fairer sex. Or even his own mother.

18th over: South Africa 47-0 (Smith 28, McKenzie 16) Bah. Smith, pushing at a leg-cutter from Flintoff, edges on the bounce to Collingwood at second slip. England have bowled decently this morning, within the fairly strong limits of their natural lengths, and that's a maiden.

"Combining Modern Man attitudes with kids TV, my dad has a misogynistic loathing for Sue from Sooty and Sweep who 'swanned in and ruined everything, twittering on and moaning all day like "they" do'," says Chris Allen. "He still refuses to watch anything Sooty related, despite repeats being a favourite with his grandsons."

19th over: South Africa 55-0 (Smith 35, McKenzie 17) It's a bit flat in more than one sense. But England are probing diligently and McKenzie, for the third time this morning, is late on a leave and flaps it off the face of the bat into the slips on the bounce. Later in the over, when Broad goes fuller, Smith pushes him through mid-off for a couple, and then he times four through extra-cover. That's the risk of going full. Smith is going well now, after being dropped off the first ball of the match.

"Look, let's get real," says Chris Bourne. "The worst cartoon character is Mickey Mouse. Smug, squeaky, verminous. And has given his name to the England cricket team, as in - 'A Mickey Mouse cricket team'. He even has a long tail. Fact."

WICKET! South Africa 56-1 (McKenzie c Cook b Flintoff 17) Flintoff, and England, deserve that. McKenzie leaned into a full, wide outswinger but could only slash it to third slip, where Cook held on two-handed above his head. He finally takes a catch at the third attempt, and McKenzie's unusually scatterbrained innings comes to an end.

20th over: South Africa 56-1 (Smith 36, Amla 0) "According to Fletcher, Panesar turned up to England without an arm ball - so it appears not even his county is coaching him," says Lee Calvert. "I am hoping KP will take the revolutionary step of letting his leading spinner set his own field and then encourage him to bowl with more aggression, or at least around the wicket a bit for a start." Problem is, Monty hasn't got a clue. Vaughan used a phrase to describe his field placings, something contemptuous like "schoolboy fields", which is why Vaughan had to set them for him. Nor can he really work batsmen out. That's fine in a 21-year-old with raw talent, but Monty is 26 and has been a Test player for 30 months. Maybe our expectations of spinners' brains are too high because of Warne, but still, the lack of development is alarming.

21th over: South Africa 60-1 (Smith 40, Amla 0) Broad pitches it up and Smith, again, punches him crisply through the covers for four. Good shot.

To misquote the Peep Show song, Michael Hunt is sick and he's not well. "It has always struck me as strange why all the best looking cartoon girls are read-heads? The delectable Daphne for one, April from the Turtles, Ariel the little mermaid, Jessica Rabbit… the list goes on. Any suggestions?" Sleep.

Rain stops play: South Africa 64-1 (Smith 40, Amla 4) Flintoff strays unusually onto leg stump and Amla flicks him for four almost absent-mindedly. One ball later they're off; I wasn't even aware it was raining, but it looks to be no more than a light shower - a tribute from the heavens to this England team.

"Can it be autumn already?" muses Thomas Lawrence. "Cause it seems McKenzie's leaves have fallen off...(I'm deeply sorry for this one).

So that's lunch They'll take it 15 minutes early, and resume at 1.25pm, whereupon John Ashdown will be here to hold your hand and tell you everything will be okay. Thanks for your emails - sorry for ignoring most of them.

LUNCH

Afternoon, all. The sun is out here in central London, with a salt-and-pepper candy floss clouds dominating the horizon. And as I muse over that not-particularly-well-written piece of creative writing, Manchester City v Celtic v Manchester City pops up on the TV, sending me scrambling wildy through the channels to find Gower and co. Not a particularly good start.

22nd over: South Africa 64-1 (Smith 40, Amla 4)Flintoff bowls the one ball remaining in his over. Amla defends.

23rd over: South Africa 65-1 (Smith 40, Amla 4)Broad beats the bat with his first after lunch, Smith missing a drive by quite some distance. "My money's Man City for that one, given that they have two teams out," writes Richard Graveling, highlighting the bizarre three-way friendly I came across earlier. Suffice to say, my mistake.

24th over: South Africa 65-1 (Smith 40, Amla 4)Flintoff, who's pumped full of painkillers apparently (his toe hurts), continues to rumble in, but it's mostly far too wide. "I spent last weekend in a caravan in rainy Cornwall explaining to my South African father-in-law why England getting beaten by SA and then appointing a South African as a captain didn't make me (and the rest of English manhood) some kind of effeminate half man freak," writes effeminate half man freak Tom Charnock. "I desperately need some put downs for this weekend particularly if it all goes wrong again."

25th over: South Africa 66-1 (Smith 40, Amla 5)I tell you what Tom, I'd be surprised if your father-in-law's countrymen can make a soup as tasty as the good old English onion version I'm eating now. Not that that's much of a comeback I know. Amla scampers a single of ball No5 from Broad, the first runs off the bat since lunch, then, again, Smith somehow fails to edge one that slides across him.

26th over: South Africa 71-1 (Smith 40, Amla 10)Dropped! Amla edges Alastair Cook at third slip and, just as he did this morning, the England opener shells it. Again it wasn't straightforward - Amla was playing a firm stroke and a leaping Cook was stretching above his head - but it's another he should have held. Flintoff doesn't look happy, and no wonder

27th over: South Africa 83-1 (Smith 40, Amla 22)"These four Test series are rubbish," writes Matt Delargy. "Like a bride on her wedding night, I feel it's all over just when it's getting interesting and everyone is getting on a plane back to South Africa." Not sure if the analogy fully works there, Matt. Amla drives and gets a thick outside edge for four, then Broad strays onto the pads and is clipped away for four more. Then, ho hum, it's short and wide from the bowler and Amla cuts hard for another boundary. Broad strikes back with the last ball of the over, catching the edge, with the ball dropping a couple of yards short of the slips.

28th over: South Africa 87-1 (Smith 44, Amla 22)Beautiful shot from Smith, pushing a full one from Flintoff straight down the ground for four. Two balls later and Smith is again beaten by one that moves a touch. That's three for the Saffers captain since lunch. "Tom Charnock should tell his South African father-in-law that his grandchildren will be 50% effeminate half-man freak," writes Andrew Moore. "That should do the trick."

29th over: South Africa 95-1 (Smith 44, Amla 30)Amla strikes a pose as his thumping cover drive races to the boundary. And he follows it up with another for good measure. Andrew Gledhill, Nick Smith and Tom Morgan all write to question whether the slips are too far back, but the ball a couple of overs ago dropped well short, where no slip would dare to tread. And you could argue that Cook was a yard too far forward for his catch.

30th over: South Africa 100-1 (Smith 44, Amla 34)Harmison returns and first up strikes Smith on the pad with the ball heading towards middle stump, half-way up. But it pitched just outside leg, so big Steve's vociferous appeal falls on deaf ears. Amla picks up another four, with a clip to leg that caught the leading edge and zipped to the boundary at long off.

31st over: South Africa 103-1 (Smith 46, Amla 36)It's a double change, with Anderson coming back, and again Smith is fortunate to survive the first ball of the over. It's pitched up, Smith aims a juicy drive, but can only inside-edge the thing onto his back pad right in front of the stumps. He's led a charmed life since the break. Then it's Amla's turn to get lucky, Harmison narrowly missing with a shy at the stumps as the batsmen scurry a single. "I can't think of anything worse than being trapped in a caravan with Tom Charnock's South African father-in-law," writes Tom Innes. "Especially when the only two sports the Saffers care about are rugby (world champs after beating us in the final) and cricket (two-nil). Try to turn the spotlight towards their dismal record in the Olympics (43rd in the medals table in Athens), tennis (no players ranked above 109 in the world) or Morris Dancing."

WICKET! Smith c Anderson b Harmison 46 (32nd over: South Africa 103-3 (Kallis 0, Prince 0) The out-of-sorts Smith attempts a hook but can only top edge to deep backward square leg. For a moment, I'm sure there's a groan from those in the crowd expecting to see Panesar underneath it, but, fortunately for the home fans, it's Jimmy Anderson. The batsmen crossed while the ball was in the air so it's Amla to face and oh my! WICKET! Amla b Harmison 36. It's not quite a yorker, but Amla is beaten for pace and the middle stump is sent cartwheeling away. Hat-trick ball for Harmy ... bah! Prince defends comfortably. That's certainly woken the crowd up.

WICKET! Kallis 2 lbw b Anderson (33rd over: South Africa 109-4 (Prince 0, De Villiers 4)Another big appeal as Anderson beats the edge with Kallis fending. Ambrose says yes. Umpire says no. Two balls later Anderson swings one back in, catching Kallis flush on the pad. Anderson says yes, umpire says yes! That was a fantastic ball from Anderson. This is a proper collapse. "As a Saffer and a Proteas fan, I'd like to ease back on the nationalist fervour and soothe Tom Charnock's pain with the following truism," writes William Smook. "It's not much fun being in a caravan with one's father-in-law at the best of times."

34th over: South Africa 109-4 (Prince 0, De Villiers 4)South Africa are rocking here - Harmison bangs one in short and Prince is hopping and gloving the ball into space at short square leg. Next up, the new Notts man is beaten by pace à la Amla, but this one fizzes narrowly wide of the off stump.

35th over: South Africa 113-4 (Prince 0, de Villiers 8)Anderson is getting plenty of swing, with de Villiers prodding and poking outside off. One thick edge rattles away for four, but Anderson won't mind that too much. He, and England, have got their tails up.

36th over: South Africa 117-4 (Prince 4, de Villiers 8)Prince misses with an ungainly flail at a Harmison bouncer, which Ambrose does very well to stop bounding away for four byes. He gets hold of the next one, though even then it's not straight out of the middle, for four welcome runs. "Vaughan must be thinking, 'If only I'd had Harmison to throw the ball to instead of Pattinson, I might still be England captain..'" writes Andy Killeen.

WICKET! Prince 4 c Bell b Anderson (37th over: South Africa 118-5 (de Villiers 9, Boucher 0)And South Africa's collapse shows no sign of abating. This time it's a poor shot from the usually circumspect Prince. Anderson pitches one up, finds a thick outside edge and Bell takes a regulation catch at point. Well, well ...

38th over: South Africa 123-5 (de Villiers 14, Boucher 0)From 103-1 to 118-5 in six overs. Looking at the dimissals, Kallis and Amla both got good ones (though Amla did seem to play round his), while Smith and Prince played pretty poor shots. There's a little bit of movement from the pitch, but you feel it's England's momentum, provided by Harmison's removal of Smith and Amla in two balls, that is creating pressure on the batsmen. "Is it just me or has Kallis had a pretty terrible tour (by his standards)?" writes Tom Morgan. "His scores this series are 7, 13, 4, 64, 5 and 2.Pity the England bowlers haven't worked everyone else out as well ashim." The big man has certainly had a fairly lean time of late.

39th over: South Africa 123-5 (de Villiers 15, Boucher 0)Anderson again threatens, moving the ball both ways (not at the same time, obviously). With his final ball he finds the edge of Boucher's bat, but it drops short of a diving Collingwood. There are those words again.

40th over: South Africa 127-5 (de Villiers 16, Boucher 2)"In response to Andrew Killeen's comment," writes Andrew Benson, "I think Vaughany's laments should read 'If only our coaches, physios and doctors had done their job and realised Sidebottom was crocked – I could've thrown the ball to Harmison at Edgbaston…' Imagine him bowling out of that sightscreen!" Good stuff from the batsmen, working the singles cleverly.

41st over: South Africa 131-5 (de Villiers 20, Boucher 2)Kallis was Anderson's 100th Test wicket, by the way, not bad for a man who's spent so much time in the international peripheries. De Villiers thumps one back past the bowler from the penultimate ball of the over.

42nd over: South Africa 132-5 (de Villiers 20, Boucher 3)Flintoff returns and joins the party, flashing a couple past Boucher. It's all a little wide, though. "Erm, shouldn't not-so-flyin' Ryan have realized he was injured himself?" suggests Rory Taylor, not unreasonably.

WICKET! Boucher 3 c Ambrose b Anderson (43rd over: South Africa 132-6 (de Villiers 20, Morkel 0)Anderson produces an absolute peach, swinging away from Boucher, who's attempting a clip to leg. What a ball that was - it's earned him five balls at Morne Morkel. The first is wide, the second is left (but swings in to miss the bails by inches), the third also left (again swinging back), the fourth a bouncer, the last raps the batsman on the pad. With Anderson and co bowling this well, de Villiers will need to farm the strike obsessively.

44th over: South Africa 137-6 (de Villiers 21, Morkel 4)The cameras pick up John Motson in the crowd, prompting Bumble in the Sky commentary box to offer perhaps the worst Motty impression I've ever heard."Great stuff this afternoon," writes James Smith. "If we can just get Stuart Broad to give up on pace bowling and bowl anodyne slow left arm, we can drop Monty, bring in Simon Jones and we might have a good outfit here." De Villiers leaves Morkel with three to face, and from his second he's lucky to survive after an inside edge jags just over the stumps, just short of Ambrose, and down to the boundary. The last ball zips through the gate.

45th over: South Africa 141-6 (de Villiers 25, Morkel 4)De Villiers begins his counter-attack - hacking a short, wide one over point for four, then larrupping one into the covers that Broad does well to stop. "So, how on God's green Earth are we to explain this sudden bowling improvement?" wonders Ben Richardson. "Has new Capt'n KP threatened that he'll start dying that ludicrous stripe into his hair if his team lose again? Is it his aggressive Saffa approach to leading the line? Or is it just having a chance to bowl on a track that isn't stultifying benign? Or just South Africa not giving two figs about this dead rubber?" Perhaps a little from column A, a little from column B.

46th over: South Africa 143-6 (de Villiers 25, Morkel 6)Hmm. Not the best from Flintoff - wide and unthreatening. He seems to be having a few problems with his boots, so he's heading off for a change.

47th over: South Africa 148-6 (de Villiers 30, Morkel 6)Broad comes back and serves up a half-volley that de Villiers is only too happy to thump through the covers. It's dross, but he does offer a reminder of his potential with a couple of really good away-swingers later on in the over. Then spoils it by offering up another half-volley. Ah, well.

48th over: South Africa 149-6 (de Villiers 31, Morkel 6)Morkel takes one in the ribs from Flintoff, but only threatens with an attempted yorker last up. "Re. over 45. It may be a dead rubber, but do you think there's a Saffa in the side who wants to give KP a first Test victory?" wonders Angus Doulton. Nope, but the Oval crowd do seem very flat. It may be that it's a dead rubber, it may be the oncoming footy season, or the Olympics, but it seems to be a struggle to get too excited about all this, even with KP making his debut with the metaphorical armband.

49th over: South Africa 157-6 (de Villiers 39, Morkel 6)I know de Villiers is looking to attack but this is still pretty dire stuff from Broad. AB flails another short one through the covers, then hammers one back over the bowler's head. And, again, Broad produces a decent one that beats the bat by way of a comeback. Crikey, he's a frustrating bowler to watch.

WICKET! De Villiers 39 lbw b Panesar (50th over: South Africa 158-7 (Morkel 7)With Flintoff struggling, Panesar makes his first appearance of the day and produces the goods with his third ball. De Villiers gets caught on the crease and rapped on the back pad. To the naked eye it looks a great shout, and the umpire wastes little time in raising the finger, but Hawkeye suggests it was heading an inch or two over. Still, it's been England's session. Join Rob Smyth after tea, for thrilling news of Ntini and Nel's century partnership.

TEA

Hello boys! A performance rich in l'esprit d'escalier from England has been rather enjoyable despite its contextual insignificance. In the afternoon session they showed the value of a) pitching the ball up, b) a four-man pace attack, and c) a series of batsmen whose minds are still in the dressing-room at Edgbaston, taking six wickets for 45 after South Africa, aided by 477 dropped catches from Alastair Cook, had reached 103 for one.

There were two wickets for Steve Harmison, somewhere close to his best, one for Monty Panesar with the final ball of the afternoon session, his third of the match, and three for Jimmy Anderson, who muddied the selection waters ahead of the winter tour* with some very good swing bowling.

There were shades of the Oval Test of two years ago, when the side with an unassailable 2-0 lead batted skittishly and were rolled for 173, with nobody reaching fifty and the second and third wickets falling to consecutive deliveries. We can, however, safely assume this game won't end in the same way as that one.

Kevin Pietersen has captained by numbers, but that is not entirely without virtue and its better than captaining like a complete digit. Judgment on him cannot come in this game. The downsides have been another statistically ordinary performance from Stuart Broad (9-2-46-0), which pushed his Test average above 50, and an utterly farcical over rate of 12.5 per hour, as a consequence of which we will have 40.3 overs in this session, light and will to live permitting.

*One of Broad, Anderson, Flintoff, Harmison, Sidebottom and Jones will surely miss out. And since you asked so nicely, my party would be: Denly/Vaughan (depending on the latter's state of mind and whether he's had that silly hair cut), Cook, Bell, Pietersen, Collingwood, Bopara, Flintoff, Prior, Foster, Broad, Jones, Harmison, Panesar, Swann, Sidebottom.

Riffwatch You can suggest anything, anything, so long as it doesn't involve ironic veneration of something from the 80s.

50th over: South Africa 158-7 (Morkel 7, Harris 0) Monty, rough-track bully that he is becoming, will fancy a few cheap tail-end wickets here, but I doubt we'll be seeing him again in this innings. He bowls the last three balls of his first over, and that's that.

"Try this for a riff: evolution, intelligent design or just simple god. What do you believe?" says Alex Warwick. "I believe in Santogold. And Anderson.

51st over: South Africa 163-7 (Morkel 12, Harris 0) Broad stays on, which one suspects is an attempt to give him some cheap, happiness-facilitating wickets. He almost gets one first ball, but the windiest of woofs from Morkel screws over the slips for four.

"Riff," says Alexander Netherton. "Cultural works pre-1950s that still have meaning to our lives." Yep well that worked well; what's next? It is a fact that anything in black and white, be it football, films or even judgements, is rubbish.

52nd over: South Africa 164-7 (Morkel 13, Harris 0) Panesar does continue, which I can't really explain. Nothing happens. "I spent three hours in the pub last night locked in stalemate trying to push the case for Matt Prior against a similarly vociferous Chris Read fan," says Sam Blackledge, who sounds like the sort of guy I'd like to go drinking with. "One thing we are agreed on, Ambrose's days are numbered..." Well yes. To me, it's simple, you go with one extreme (best batsman) or the other (best keeper). If you play five bowlers – which I would – it's Prior, batting at No6 or No7 depending on Flintoff's batting self-esteem; if you play four it's Read, batting at No8. This only becomes a problem when you fully embrace squad rotation, which won't happen in this country until approximately five years after Australia do the same.

WICKET! South Africa 168-8 (Morkel c Bell b Broad 17) Morkel top-edges a pull off Broad for four. If his figures were subject to classification, he wouldn't look old enough to be allowed to see see them: this is, statistically at least, X-rated stuff. But they look a bit better now: Morkel gets in a fearful tangle against a well-directed short one, and can only pop it straight up in the air. Ian Bell, charging in from short leg. takes an excellent catch diving forward.

53rd over: South Africa 168-8 (Harris 0, Nel 0) In hilarious scenes not matched since the advent of political correctness cut down Jim Davidson in his pomp, Morkel walked off the wrong end of the pitch, towards the groundman's shed. I haven't seen so many genuine smiles around here since last month's cheque arrived from the folks.

54th over: South Africa 168-8 (Harris 0, Nel 0) Harmison replaces Panesar and beats Harris with a nice leg-cutter. The rest of the over contained a little bit too much machismo.

"'Anything in black and white is rubbish'. Does that include 'Following'?" asks Jeremy Theobald, simultaneously shattering my argument and blowing his own trumpet.

WICKET! South Africa 172-9 (Nel c Ambrose b Broad 4) Nel heaves a roundhouse pull off Broad for four; an aesthetic violation, but an effective one. That's the end of the fun, though: later in the over Nel thin-edges a full delivery through to Ambrose, who is so busy trying to work out what day it is that he doesn't bother to celebrate. I think he thought Nel's bat had hit the ground. Either way, these are important wickets for Broad.

55th over: South Africa 172-9 (Harris 0, Ntini 0) "Anderson as our most consistently threatening bowler and wicket taker has to go - simple as that," says Jim Morgan. Look, Anderson will never be world-class. Broad might, so we must invest with him because, whether you like it or not, this is a transitional period. Nine times out of ten, Anderson is meat and drink to good batsmen.

56th over: South Africa 173-9 (Harris 1, Ntini 0) Harmison is keenly sniffing a cheap wicket, rather like Nathan Barley's Jonattan Yeah? sniffed an opportunity. But despite Harris looking utterly hideous, he doesn't get it.

"Isn't your judgement of black and white things itself a little on the black and white side of things?" says Nicholas Crabtree. Supersize that whoop-whoop: somebody finally got the joke.

57th over: South Africa 173-9 (Harris 1, Ntini 0) Broad is enjoying himself now, toying with Harris's outside edge. He beats him at least three times in that over, probably more, but Harris somehow survives to continue one of the filthiest innings it has ever been my displeasure to do typing about.

"Sidebottom is the one to go for me," says Will Horwood. "He's too slow, and yes he's taken a lot of wickets, but we played New Zealand twice and the West Indies - far and away the two worst major nations. Australia would take him to the cleaners." Not if it's swinging they wouldn't. I am inclined to agree up to a point, but I think he's done enough to deserve another chance to prove he can deliver cheapish wickets against proper teams.

58th over: South Africa 175-9 (Harris 1, Ntini 2) This is an utter farce now; Harmison goes past Ntini's edge three more times in that over. In other news, I can't believe how highly you all rate Anderson. Against proper opposition (ie the top six) he has 57 wickets at an average of 42. Next!

59th over: South Africa 176-9 (Harris 2, Ntini 2) Broad beats Ntini again. In fairness that was a jaffa - a shortish leg-cutter - that would have beaten most players.

60th over: South Africa 182-9 (Harris 8, Ntini 2) Harmison, bored of beating the outside edge, has a Eureka! moment and decides to bowl at the stumps. So Harris humps him into the leg side for four. Harmison responds with an unpleasant bouncer that puts Harris on the seat of his grundies.

"Is this Prior you're advocating (52nd over) the same Prior who was so vilified last summer for his clunky mistakes and hideously inconsistent batting?" says Dennis O'Neill. "My, but you lot are fickle." I'm rather perturbed at the idea of carrying the can of an entire nation, although like everyone else Prior did engage my wick last summer. But, as is so often the case, you come to realize that the grass isn't necessarily greener elsewhere. The poverty of our wicketkeeping resources means that a compromise is going to be made whoever we pick; I prefer this particular compromise, with Prior given time to improve his keeping (which can be done, as Alec Stewart showed) and in the team as long as he averages the right side of 32.45.

61st over: South Africa 184-9 (Harris 9, Ntini 3) Anderson is on for Broad, the right move in this particular situation, and he immediately starts curving the ball past some grotesque Leatherface-style swinging from Ntini. This shouldn't take long.

"Was it a different Rob Smyth describing Anderson as 'a must' prior to the 2006 Ashes?" says Alan White. "He can't have got worse since then, can he?" He hasn't, but Jones is fit and Sidebottom and Broad now exist. They weren't born in 2006.

62nd over: South Africa 186-9 (Harris 11, Ntini 3) Flintoff replaces Harmison in an attempt to end a partnership that is a cleave to third man away from becoming officially irritating. No dice, though: Harris edges to third man for two.

"Having played half of his matches against NZ, Broad's average is pushing 50," says Tom Paternoster. "Next!" Too small a sample size. Next!

63rd over: South Africa 190-9 (Harris 11, Ntini 7) A preposterous shot from Ntini, who flat-bats Anderson back down the ground for four - a bit like the shot Pietersen played off Lee on the final day of the Ashes, only minus the flair, talent and it being our brave boys.

"Panesar is like a puppy," says Ian Palmer. "Fun for a little while, but when he persistently doesn't do as you tell him, it just gets annoying." Especially for those two blokes next door in white coats whose swingers he keeps sinking his molars into.

64th over: South Africa 192-9 (Harris 13, Ntini 7) See over 57. And 58. And 59. In fact, all of them since over 57. The weird thing about is this partnership is that you're absolutely certain it will end any minute now. Just as England were in the first Test in New Zealand in 1996-97, when Danny Morrison just batted on and on and on and on and on and on for four hours. That day might just be the most remarkable/absurd in Test history. Four hours.

Drinks break chit-chat from Matt Delargy "Isn't the point this - we can have more than four pace bowlers at any one time, take them around with us, and pick them to suit the conditions? Kind of like a squad system. So you get to change the bowlers without the hysterical reaction to each perceived dropping of a player forever more. Four from seven picked each time." What he said. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I wrote a pieceon the Wisden Cricketer site advocating squad rotation a couple of weeks back, but it needs people to be enlightened, and such people don't really exist in English cricket, do they.

WICKET! South Africa 194 all out (Ntini b Panesar 9) KP brings on Panesar, invites him to flight the ball - and gets the desired result fifth ball, when Ntini fresh-airs a huge swat and is bowled. Good captaincy and good bowling. England will be back in 10 minutes to begin their innings of 374. See you then.

Innings-break natter Strauss, whose strike rate in this series is 34.01, a sub-Tavare figure if you factor in 21st-century weighting, could do with both a score (no fifties in this series) but also a positive innings, because I really don't think there is room for two stonewallers at the top of the order. Cook, to his credit, is incrementally expanding his game, but he would still be much better with a dasher – Vaughan, Denly, or that fella from Somerset – alongside him.

"Foster Foster," says John Robinson. I'd definitely have a look in the one-day games if we are batting the keeper in the lower-middle order (if it's an opener it should be the harshly treated Mustard). I'm just not sure he could bat No7 in the Test team.

Rafa Benitez, cricket visionary "Mr Delargy advocates rotating the pacemen," says Gary Naylor. "'Four from seven picked each time'. Seven huh? So that's the one with the bad knee, the one with the bad back, the one who's homesick, the one who's a bit undercooked, the one who's lost his nip, the one with the bad ankle and the one who's really more of a batsman? Actually, I agree, but you'd never rotate a McGrath or a Marshall or a Hadlee. First find two bowlers who can take wickets at 25 (never mind 23), then build the attack round them." While I agree, pretty much, you would rotate them against Bangladesh and Zimbabwe wouldn't you?

1st over: England 1-0 (Strauss 1, Cook 0) Morkel doesn't bother with the formalities and goes straight around the wicket to Strauss, who has been troubled by that line of attack. Morkel, quietly, has been the top wicket-taker in this series (Anderson is second, to his credit), but he's off line here, with the first two deliveries, and the fourth, skipping down the leg side. The last ball is on the money though, and beats Cook.

2nd over: England 5-0 (Strauss 5, Cook 0) The pie-chucker formerly known as Makhaya Ntini begins at the other end. His average for the series is 53.14, and it doesn't get any better in that over, as Strauss ignores a series of deliveries slanted across him from over the wicket and then works a straighter one classily through midwicket for four. It'll be really interesting to see whether South Africa go with Nel or Ntini for the Australia Tests, all other things being equal. I'd go Nel, definitely.

3rd over: England 7-0 (Strauss 6, Cook 1) Morkel beats Strauss with a really good delivery that pitches a fraction short of a length and leg-cuts just enough to skip past the edge. Beautifully bowled. But Morkel keeps falling over in his follow through, so he might have to switch back to over the wicket. In the meantime, a man with a shovel has come on - and then gone off without doing anything.

"How do you think this series will be remembered?" asks Andrew Moore. "It hasn't really ignited apart from at Edgbaston on Day 4, and South Africa have won without it seems having to play particularly well. It will probably be remembered for the end of Vaughan, but should also be remembered for some of the most confused selections (and I'm not just talking Pattinson) since Fletcher couldn't decide between Giles or Panesar and Read or Jones." That's it, pretty much. It will be remembered for Vaughan and for Pattinson. Only if South Africa go on to beat Australia this winter will it be remembered as a really significant stepping stone for them. I'll remember it for Smith's innings, I think.

WICKET! England 7-1 (Strauss c Smith b Ntini 6) Watching England's openers is one of life's more unrewarding experiences: the middle overs of the ODI without the promise of fireworks at the end; listening to what someone else has to say without the promise of your turn to speak next; buying him/her a drink without the promise of- AWP he's gone again. Textbook stuff: from over the wicket Ntini slanted it across Strauss, who felt for a ball he didn't need to play it and just snicked it through to Smith at first slip.

Across the desk Sam Collins holds up a piece of paper that reads "Strauss RIP". It should be, as well. He is unrecognisable from the player we saw a few years ago, and if you don't believe me watch the 04-05 DVD. He was sensational.

4th over: England 7-1 (Cook 1, Bell 0) Ian Bell survives the rest of the over. I hope Bell gets a decent run - the next seven Tests, say - in his preferred No3 position. And if he continues to completely bottle the pressure points, then we can justify his existence no longer.

His place. I meant his place.

"Answers those who called for Strauss to captain," tut-tuts Clare Davies. "He was found out a while ago, and has become a bunny." What she said.

5th over: England 10-1 (Cook 4, Bell 0) Bell snicks Morkel well short of third slip, and is then squared up and beaten by a handy lifter. "43.67" says Alastair Halton, brings back happy memories of an insecure and almost painfully decent man with a cute moustache unveiling the greatest square-cut in the history of anything ever.

6th over: England 11-1 (Cook 5, Bell 0) Ntini continues with his over-the-wicket line to Cook, but he knows his off stump a lot better than Strauss at the moment. Cook has its digits in his phone and exchanges texts at least once a week; Strauss isn't even friends with his on Facebook. Just one run to Cook in that over.

7th over: England 15-1 (Cook 9, Bell 0) Cook works Morkel off his pads for four, but then he is beaten by a majestic leg-cutter. Cook's strike rate for Tests this year, by the way, is 46.35 - which puts him behind only (in order) Broad, Pietersen and Bell. He is starting to develop his game, however slowly.

8th over: England 20-1 (Cook 9, Bell 5) Bell takes an uncomfortably tight single to Amla at midwicket, and is home by this much. The ball flew away to the boundary off the stumps, so he gets five for it.

"Way back when you were predicting Bell to make 8,000 runs at 45 over his career," says Tim Young. "He's currently just shy of 3,000 at 43 ish - just interested (genuinely!) whether you'd stand by the initial prediction, as he's kind of pretty much on target. . .Or was it Lawrence Booth making that bet?" I think it was both of us. In tandem. While wearing the same Y-fronts. But I do stand by it, sort of: I think it will be 8000 at 42. He'll always be too talented – and make too many cheap runs – to be dropped, but won't do enough against the good team to average 45.

9th over: England 21-1 (Cook 9, Bell 6) "On Broad, I think a simple change of definition would help his fledgling career," says John Ogmore. "Just call him the all-rounder. There'd then be less public and media pressure on his bowling and he wouldn't be constantly perceived as the weak link, with Flintoff reclassified as the fourth bowler. Suddenly England have a much stronger four man attack on paper and a useful fifth bowler in Broad." It's an interesting argument. I'm not sure: you could go the other way and say that, to classify him as such, would exacerbate the doubts he is starting to develop over his bowling. And in turn the implied pressure to achieve with the bat might make him play differently. But then it might make him even better. I don't know. Nobody knows anything really.

10th over: England 29-1 (Cook 9, Bell 14) Successive boundaries to Bell off Ntini: the first is timed off his hip and the second punched through the covers off the back foot. Classy stuff. "Hit the stumps and give away overthrows - that's not on is it?" says Gary Naylor. "Imagine Stanford's $10M or whatever turning on that!"

11th over: England 32-1 (Cook 11, Bell 15) Bell is playing nicely, but even if he scores 401 it will tell us nothing we don't know. That's the other problem for Bell: he has been typecast to such an extent that he will have to do almost twice as much to change perceptions of him.

"Just for fun, and on an experimental one-Test basis, why not reclassify all the batsmen as bowlers?" says Adam Blackwell. "See if it takes the pressure off and increases their runs, or simply compounds the humiliation and reduces them to tears." I like it. Make them wear each other's shoes and pants as well.

12th over: England 36-1 (Cook 14, Bell 16) Ntini has a big shout for LBW against Cook turned down on the not unreasonable grounds that Cook middled it onto his pads.

"This talk of Ian Bell being a wimp is always something I find really harsh," says Dan Connolly. "He may be extremely talented but do OBO readers not appreciated that it has taken a lot of guts for him to make it this far bearing mind the pressure he was under from a very young age to be the best player in the country. I remember growing up playing cricket the talk was that Ian Bell was going to be the next big thing. That kind of pressure destroys many young kids who often don't even make it into the professional game...I don't think he is quite the yellow-bellied dilettante he is painted as..."

13th over: England 38-1 (Cook 14, Bell 17) Andre Nel, the new bowler, is wearing one Puma and one Asics trainer. But it's plain sailing for England, as it should be on this pitch, and Bell enjoys a risk-free sighter against the new bowler. If the sun's out tomorrow, England should make 400 at the very least.

14th over: England 42-1 (Cook 18, Bell 17) Cook angles Ntini to third man for four. "Thanks for the kind words for Dylan this morning," say Andy and Dylan Bradshaw. "And also give a big thanks to all the staff who helped at Queens Hospital, Burton?" What he said.

15th over: England 46-1 (Cook 18, Bell 21) Elegant stuff from Bell, who just eases Nel through midwicket for four. "Here's the South African bowlers dossier I found round the back of the pavilion," says Dan Curtis. "Cook - allow him to get to 60 in 200 balls, he'll not score for another 30 or 40, then he'll get himself out. Strauss - bowl three balls in a row outside off stump.Vaughan - pitch it up and swing it away. Observe amusing bemused face as he walks off.Pietersen - allow him to within 6 of any landmark and drop the field out.Colly - underarm will do.Bell - Bouch to whisper in his ear that the pressure is on.Ambrose - see Colly."

16th over: England 48-1 (Cook 20, Bell 21) Play has to finish at 6.30pm, apparently, so we won't get our full quota today. England are so snug that it would be an absolute crime for them to lose a wicket now. Cook tucks Ntini away off his pads for two. This pitch is a belter.

"Dan Connolly is right about Bell," says Mac Millings. "I know you like Duncan Fletcher, but he was a bit out of order the other week on his blog when he criticised Bell for getting out on 199 - I mean he'd made 199, for goodness sake!" True, but there was something so Bellish about that dismissal. In many ways, he is Gower-lite, except Gower made big runs at squeaky-bum time. We can't put an exact value on runs, but by any qualitative judgement I think it's reasonable to say that Bell has made just a few too many cheap runs for comfort. He's a seriously talented boy, mind, and in his defence we shouldn't forget that he got four fifties batting at No3 in the 2006-07 Ashes, which wasn't a bad return.

17th over: England 49-1 (trail by 145; Cook 20, Bell 22) So that's that. As KP lay in bed last night asking Jessica for permission to breathe, and dreaming about his first day as captain, it wouldn't have been much better than this: South Africa rolled for 194, and England proceeding comfortably on a pitch that looks like it will hand out runs like those blokes at the tube station do London Lites. I'm off to pick up the aforementioned free rag on my way home. Thanks for all your emails today; apologies for not being able to use them all. See you on the flip side.