England v South Africa - Live!

2nd over: South Africa 1-0 (Smith 0, McKenzie 0) Jimmy Anderson - who isn't the subject of that great M.I.A. song, contrary to no reports whatsoever - starts at the other end and shapes one past Smith's outside edge. I think there's been some shape out there! When McKenzie gets on strike he does what he does: nothing, watching the ball go past off stump or, if it gets too close, defending diligently. He's an admirable fellow, this McKenzie. Saying which, he aims an airy-fairy pull at the last delivery, quite wide of off stump, and fresh-airs it.

"Isn't it because Banger had a note from the doctor, and Grievous Bodily never got one?" honks Tom Walling.

1st over: South Africa 1-0 (Smith 0, McKenzie 0)So the story begins. No on-field huddle, an innovation (sic) that won't be at all missed. And Harmison has Smith dropped off the first ball of the match! What a start: it was short, jagging away a touch, and Smith slapped it straight to gully where Cook, crouching, dropped what was by Test standards a sitter.

Overall it's an excellent over from Harmison: the fourth ball lifts to rattle Smith in the breadbasket, and the fifth swings back to take the inside edge and fly into the baby maker. Smith hits the canvas and Harmison smiles for the first time since 2005. Then off the last ball, Ambrose contrives to punch it into his own mouth after it lifted late; there's a bit of blood but no dentistry issues; no teeth rattling everywhere like confetti.

"Just wondering if the England shower you mention is for Andy Bradshaw's new nipper, Dylan Richard," honks Chris Brock. "Ahem."

A question Why do we, correctly, have considerable sympathy for Marcus Trescothick's mental difficulties but none whatsoever for Steve Harmison's? Just asking, like.

Don't pick your nose. Pick something else Pick the score. That's what you get to do in guardian.co.uk's dead good, dead simple football prediction game, Pick The Score. For those interested in joining an OBO league for 2008-09, just email me with your email address, in a message entitled 'I'll give you something to pick, hombre', and I'll forward you an invitation to join the league.

Our warmest congratulations go to OBO groupie Andy Bradshaw, whose first born, Dylan Richard, came into the world this week. No pay-off, no cheap gags: just the caring, sharing face of Rebranded Website.

The teams South Africa are unchanged; England are a shower.

England: Cook, Strauss, Bell, Pietersen (c, MBE, OBE, BA HONS), Collingwood, Flintoff, Ambrose (LCS), Broad, Harmison, Anderson, Panesar.

South Africa: Smith (c), McKenzie, Amla, Kallis, Prince, de Villiers, Boucher (wk), Morkel, Harris, Nel, Ntini.

Graeme Smith wins the toss and bats first I'll shut up then.

Pitch watch While it's not as slow as it was around the turn of the century, it's still ladyboy-flat and high scores have predominated in recent years. But overhead conditions can make a difference, the most notable example being the fourth day of the 2005 Ashes Test, and with it looking a bit funky overhead in London there might just be a temptation to bowl first.

Preamble Hello. Just as David Brent doesn't give rubbish jobs, so England and South Africa don't really do dead rubbers. Of the 31 Tests since South Africa's readmission, 30 have been during a live series – and Hansie Cronje managed to inject some context into the eyeballs of the 31st, the contrived finish at Centurion in 1999-2000. Now the 32nd, ostensibly a dead rubber, has been infused with fresh breath by the appointment of Kevin Pietersen as England captain.

Whether he will be a breath of a fresh air is up for debate. I was against his appointment, mainly because of the impact it will surely have upon his baHE'SNOTROBERTKEYISTHEMAINPOINTtting. In his sole game as England captain so far, the ODI against New Zealand, he seemed weighed down by how a captain should be seen to bat, making 6 from 23 balls. The instinct that so is fundamental to his batting was squashed.

For now, however, a repeat of Nasser Hussain's pair in victory on this ground in 2000 would do nicely. However cosmetic it might be, England desperately need a result. If they lose, it will be the first non-Ashes summer since 1988 in which they have lost three Tests. The statistical evidence against Peter Moores and the shower whose temperature he controls is already sadly damning. The last time England lost home series in consecutive years, for example, was 1997; the last time they did so when neither series involved Australia was 1987. In nine Tests against decent opposition under Moores, they have yet to win a match, or even take 20 wickets.

This is surely England's worst team since 1999, and the fact that they come to the Oval talking up the potential significance of what would be a meaningless victory in the context of the series is another indication that we are back to those bad old 90s days of unremitting mediocrity.

The overwhelming emotion is not anger or even frustration so much as a bittersweet sadness, like when you look in someone's eyes and recognize that you no longer love each other, and never well. And a showy, sexy frock imported from South Africa won't change that. Can't fight fate. Yet it's not even three years since September 12 2005, the day we swapped hearts for eternity. How did it come to this?

Morning Rob will be here from around 10.45am. In the meantime, here is Duncan Fletcher's message to KP.