Lad Mags Irresponsible? Come Off It

I laughed when I read Michael Gove's comments, blaming lad mags for all society's ills. I've written for a few lad mags in the past – Zoo, Maxim, Arena, GQ (though I would call the last two style magazines). That doesn't mean I am now going to try and make a case for their moral fiber, because frankly they've got about as much moral fiber as asbestos. But that's precisely their point. So telling lad mags that they're doing something wrong actually means they are doing something right. The day the editor of a lad mag gets a letter of congratulation from a Conservative MP will be the same day he gets another letter. From his boss. With a P45 in it.

This rebuke from Gove will be worn as a badge of honour – the equivalent of the cool kid in class getting a ticking off from teacher. And the mags to which he has given free publicity will respond with a contemptuous snigger. You can bet those editors will today be standing behind their respective art directors' chairs, clapping with delight at the digital manipulation in Photoshop of Mr Gove's visage, which will doubtless appear as a vulgar retort in next week's issue. A joke which approximately 1% of the readership will get, because they've probably never even heard of this Gove bloke. But whatever, right, it's a picture, yeah, of a geezer with his head up his own arse, right, and that's like well funny, innit.

Gove is crediting these magazines with too much power and influence. Zoo and Nuts do not dictate culture; they reflect it. That's why they sell so well and that's why they exist. Blaming two magazines for everything from "teenage pregnancy" to "selfish irresponsibility" is exactly the kind of lazy generalization I would expect from absolutely all soggy-biscuit-eating Tories. The same lazy generalization they rouse from its slumber every time a kid stabs someone, having apparently learned precisely how to do it while playing Grand Theft Auto: Chav City or watching So You Think You Can Dance.

I also used to write for Men's Health (which, I should add, is definitely not a lad mag) and whenever there was a story in the media about male eating disorders or body image issues, the magazine would be blamed. We were too busy mainlining creatine and bouncing off our Swiss balls to take much notice. But honestly, as Lucy Pinder and Gemma Atkinson were telling me only this morning when they needed to get something off their chests, it's ridiculous. Does reading Comment is Free mean you are more likely to go out and binge-buy mung beans and sandals? (On second thoughts, maybe Gove is on to something.)

I'm sure he would prefer for boys to loll beneath willow trees drinking homemade dandelion and burdock while reading Swallows and Amazons rather than taking a hit from a homemade bong, happy slapping their stepdads and mowing down grannies with Tesco trollies. But (and here's where one could childishly play Gove at his own ludicrous blame game) perhaps if the Conservative government of 1979 to 1997 hadn't sold off 10,000 school playing fields, these kids would have somewhere to be, other than hanging around outside the newsagents who sell these grubby rhythm pamphlets.

And where's my school milk while we're at it? That's where the degradation of society really started ...