TV Dinners

1. You have a debilitating medical condition. You are addicted to hospital dramas. With the wards of Holby City full of weirdoes, winos and rapists (and that's just the staff), you check into Harley Street.

2. Yes, glossy, glamorous Harley Street - where everyone has power suits and thrusting yuppie values, and that's all right. It's like a creepy episode of Doctor Who set in Thatcher's Britain.

3. Your doctor is Paul Nicholls from EastEnders. He sweeps through the door, trenchcoat flapping and mobile phone pressed to his ear (there's no one on the other end). Like Jude Law after too many cakes, the poor guy is so handsome he can't buy a cappuccino without having to shag the waitress in the bagno. Yes, that's the medical term.

4. A long blonde comes in for a consultation. Dr Paul gives her one. And then a consultation. Paul is also dedicated to the NHS, so every 20 minutes or so he runs over to the local hospital to save yet another poor person who has been stabbed.

5. Paul's partner is Suranne Jones from Coronation Street. Suranne has tried to get her fringe to look like the backing singer's from the Human League. In fact, she looks like Adolf Hitler in drag.

6. To show her versatility, Suranne is talking like Celia Johnson doing "How Now Brown Cow" on an English-language tape, with only occasional traces of Weatherfield. "Tax-air !" she cries at a passing cab, unsuccessfully.

7. Paul and Suranne stand on a rooftop overlooking London, wondering how they ended up leaving the soaps for this, and thinking of jumping. You know how they feel.

· Jim Shelley is the TV critic of the Mirror.