The Facts of Death

As part of the new "end-of-life strategy", the government has announced its intention to encourage funeral directors to hold open days so the public can be disabused of any misconceptions they hold about dying, embalming, cremation and burial. A spokesman for the National Association of Funeral Directors has called the idea "laudable", which is almost, but not quite, the word that springs to mind. It remains to be seen how popular Britain's first funeral home open day will be, but I do not foresee anybody getting rich by selling his place in the queue on eBay.

The open day scheme is part of a £286m package of proposals designed to improve end-of-life care in Britain. While this is unquestionably a noble aim, one does wonder whether this the ideal point in Gordon Brown's tenure to unveil a series of measures which could be grouped under the title By The Way, You're Going To Die. It's July, it's raining, and by the end of the month petrol will be more expensive than white wine. If anything, this is the time to offer everyone vouchers for free balloon rides.

I consider myself to be a deeply apprehensive person, but even I don't worry too much about what happens after I die. I don't need to be involved in the planning of my funeral, because I'm not going to be there, so it really doesn't matter whether I know the words to the hymns or not. If I harbor any misconceptions about embalming, I harbor them on purpose. I can't imagine that a lecture about the mechanics of cremation is going to bring me more peace of mind than I already derive from trying not to think about it.

Unfortunately, I am thinking about it now. I am, at this very moment, brooding on the futility of existence. I am also worried about when I am going to die, and where, and how much it will hurt. I'll tell you what I'm not worrying about: interest rates. Perhaps this strategy has some sense to it after all. It's not just that things could be a lot worse. Things are going to be a lot worse. Look on the bright side: by the end of the month – if you live that long – white wine will be cheaper than petrol.