What Won't Happen This Week

Today

To everybody's surprise the Tour de France gets under way without a hail of bad publicity descending from a dark cloud hovering over the race. "This is not what the weathermen predicted!" says one roadside fan who has but on Wellington boots especially to wade through the expected mire of controversy that would inevitably follow a blizzard of negative headlines and a deluge of positive dope tests. "To be honest, I am a bit disappointed," says another supporter dressed in a "Just Say 'Yes!'" hoodie. "I've been a huge fan of EPO for many years, but now nobody is taking it I'm not sure what to get behind. People say I should cheer on some of the riders, but to be honest it's only really the thought that I am watching the effects of high-end pharmaceuticals that excites me." Another veteran supporter is equally upset by the total lack of a storm of scandal or even the steady drip, drip, drip of innuendo. "While all the glory-seekers went off and started following anabolic steroids, HGH or one of the other so-called 'glamor drugs', I have remained loyal to amphetamines. Call me a sentimental old fool, but there just aren't the characters in the game anymore. Have you anything to chew, mate?"

Tomorrow

At Wimbledon the men's singles final lasts for over 14 hours thanks to Roger Federer's insistence on extensive troweling sessions after every rally. "Other players like to use a towel to wipe away the sweat," the well-mannered Swiss tells reporters afterwards. "But I prefer to take my trowel and relax mentally by doing a bit of grouting between points. During this tournament I have completed quite a nice bit of tiling, as it happens. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I think that if I can make it to the semis of the US Open I should be well on my way to finishing the area behind where the new cooker's going to go." Veteran players are unimpressed with Federer's efforts, however. "I just think this constant trowelling slows the game down way too much," says the BBC pundit Pat Cash, adding: "And to be honest, I'd have used quarry tiles in a kitchen area, not those blue and white ceramic jobbies. They're going to be murder to keep clean."