Cricket: England v New Zealand – Live!

35th over: England 163-4 (Bopara 51, Shah 24) Aha, here's Grant Elliott, who has taken five for 32 in the series up to this point, and is harshly called for a wide by Mark Benson after the ball flicks Shah's thigh pad on the way through to McCullum. And there's Bopara's 50, which he reaches with a leg-side tickle for four as Elliott loses his line. It's taken him 69 balls but the caution was worth it in the circumstances. "As I appear to be blocked from getting on the OBO this year, I shall resort to cheating by making a reference to Northants, which usually seems to do the trick," says Gareth Strachan. "I had a great aunt who lived in Northants, Auntie Connie. She died a good 20 years ago. It's also my birthday, which is nice. And my favorite Flump is Pootle." I sometimes wonder what I'm doing here, I really do.

34th over: England 156-4 (Bopara 46, Shah 23) Bopara runs Oram's first ball after the drinks break to third man for four, then takes a single and watches Shah pull meatily for two to bring up an increasingly enterprising 50 stand. Nine more for England. Good fightback. "Regards the comments in 27th over," says Ian Batch. "Ravi has only been batting 4 in this series, so to look at his international career so far you cannot say it's a poor return for a No4 because he's only just been given the chance there. He played a brilliant innings that very nearly won a World Cup game in the Caribbean and has been in sensational form for Essex this year. He's also only 23 years old. Persist with him at 4 and his class will tell."

33rd over: England 147-4 (Bopara 40, Shah 20) Great stuff from Shah, who goes inside-out to lift Vettori over extra-cover for six. He then holds the pose, bat behind head, before losing his balance. Hell of a shot though - and that's nine off the over. "It's about having five guys at the top of the order who you would want to bat for your life," drones Sam Blackledge. "At the moment I wouldn't even want Ian Bell to bat for my cheese sandwich."

32nd over: England 138-4 (Bopara 38, Shah 13) Oram comes back for Mills, who bowled just one over in his last spell and still has two up his black sleeve. England need these two to stay together for another 10 overs at the very least, otherwise the last few overs of the innings could be a bit of a grind. Bopara does his best to get a thin edge to McCullum with a lazy fiddle that misses everything, then ends a sequence of four dots with a quick single into the covers. "NZ has its share of God-botherers, and we try to run them out of here to parts foreign," says Jerry Miller. "Sorry. Spoon-coveting is a sin, as everyone knows."

31st over: England 137-4 (Bopara 37, Shah 13) Bopara and Shah exchange singles off Vettori, who is so unnerved by the experience that he slips in a leg-side wide. Six off the over and England are recovering quite nicely, thank you. "D'you think the God-bothering, spoon-stealing Kiwi would ask Jesus (who appears to be a close friend) to ask his Father what Pietersen thought he was doing second ball?" wonders Luke Williams. "Only He knows, apparently…"

30th over: England 131-4 (Bopara 34, Shah 11) Lovely shot frm Bopara, who eases the returning Mills through extra-cover for four. I don't want to tempt fate, but is this a breakthrough innings? Probably not. Seven off the over, which is more like it from England. "I have absolutely no pity for any poor Northants supporter after Notts' five-run loss last night to the mighty juggernaut that is Leicestershire," says Erik Petersen. "I struggle to imagine the crimes against batting the side would be guilty of if not for the vaguely adequate heroics of rent-a-Hussey Adam Voges. The real problem at Notts is probably that they signed the Kiwi Chris Cairns, which means team spirit is straining under the weight of constant spittle-intensive lectures on the wages of sin, and a sudden locker-room spoon shortage."

29th over: England 124-4 (Bopara 28, Shah 10) A maiden from Vettori to Shah, who was rather stuck in his crease there. "As a spoon stealer born and bred I must take issue with Jennifer Offord after reading her statement '…refused to doctor her time sheet'," says Craig Brown. "I think they were an imposter. No Kiwi I know would stoop so low. Maybe she was really a dirty forker from across the Tasman. I hear one or two of them are honest."

28th over: England 124-4 (Bopara 28, Shah 10) The batsmen trade quick singles off Southee, but Bopara really needs to crack on here after spending 40-odd balls over his innings. He then edges a pull and the ball lodges between the peak of his helmet and his visor - no harm done, but that could have been nasty. And it's the second pull-cum-hook that's hit him on the head: here comes a new helmet. After a short delay, Bopara then eases Southee wide of mid-on for four: classy. "In the canteen of a building I used to work in, the game of spoon stealing was a dangerous affair," says Gemma Harris. "If caught you would be (very loudly) berated by the dinner ladies, told that spoons and all other plastic cutlery items were to be purchased for 20p (seriously 20p!!!) each and not to be stolen. Needless to say we had draws full of the things in our desks in defiance of the nasty hags!"

27th over: England 117-4 (Bopara 23, Shah 8) Bopara plays the best shot of an indeterminate innings, advancing on Vettori to lift him over the head of short midwicket and away for four. If these two can go at five an over for the next 12 or 13, England will have a platform of sorts. There are plenty of heads on the chopping block today. "How many more chances is Ravi Bopara going to be given if he fails here?" asks Andrew Hewitt. "One solitary fifty in 23 innings is not even close to being enough for a specialist batsman. Even Luke Wright, much maligned in his opening role has a better record than Bopara... and he's an all-rounder under pressure to get runs! I'm not advocating a return to chopping and changing for the sake of it, but at some point you have to think that one fifty every five or so series is not enough of a return for your No4."

26th over: England 111-4 (Bopara 18, Shah 7) Wow! Where did that come from? Shah plants his front foot down the track and swings Southee across the line for a very big six: 97m, in fact. But the tension remains. "Lawrence, if you have a horrible feeing about this game spare a thought for us poor New Zealanders," says Matthew Plummer. "We suffer exactly the same thing every time we head into the knockout stages of the rugby World Cup."

25th over: England 104-4 (Bopara 17, Shah 1) England have ground to a halt. Just a single off that Vettori over. "I would impose a Strauss-style 'naughty corner' county exile for Bell until the end of the season," says Sam Blackledge. "I just wouldn't back him if we were 10-2 needing 320 to beat South Africa in the final Test. Alternatives for the Test team? Shah, Key, Bopara." Ah, it's just like being in the 1990s...

24th over: England 103-4 (Bopara 16, Shah 1) This is a good line from Southee, Saturday's match-winner with his middle-order-destroying four-wicket haul. A maiden to Shah, who was just looking to survive. "I hdgve repl36tced my fingeeeers wifff st0lin spooons asd use thm foir tupping om mi conpooter," says Nathan Green.

23rd over: England 103-4 (Bopara 16, Shah 1) On comes Vettori for Oram (4-0-15-0) and England are two wickets away from probable defeat. Bopara works him to leg for a single and Shah makes it two off the over with a push to long-on. "Did you happen to see Graham Napier's ridiculously good/skilled/fortuitous innings yesterday?" asks Neil Mackie. "The clean hitting in the latter stages of his knock - ignoring the sketchy hoicks at the start - was only bested by the sight of Bumble climbing about gantry scaffolding to nick a cricket ball, with Nasser Hussain hoping he'd fall and injure himself. Speaking of which, why was Hussain never as entertaining on a pitch as he is in the commentary box?" Probably because he was too busy trying to turn England from a team of losers into a team of draw-ers. I was at Bristol yesterday to watch a very low-key Gloucestershire win over Glamorgan, so I missed all the fun.

22nd over: England 101-4 (Bopara 15) I have a horrible feeling about this game.

WICKET! Collingwood b Southee 14 (101-4) So much for the gritty hundred. Collingwood is rooted to the crease as he jabs at Southee and gets a big inside edge onto his middle stump. What a mess. Meanwhile, Jennifer Offord, the original victim of the spoon crime, writes: "You should also note that the spoon-stealer was a God-botherer who told two colleagues they were living in sin at our Xmas meal, refused to doctor her time sheet because "Jesus would know" she had lied, used to shut her eyes when she spoke, and had some manner of horrid spittle situation." Jennifer has kindly provided a transcript of the spooon-stealing conversation, but it's too long to relate here. Suffice to say, the police have been informed.

21st over: England 98-3 (Bopara 13, Collingwood 14) Bopara is getting stuck in a rut - he has to work the ball around more adeptly, but he needs three deliveries there to get Oram away for a single into the covers. Collingwood shows the way with a leg-side shovel for two, and then cashes in with a fortunate Chinese cut for four - is there any other kind? "While this is a very interesting ODI," says Richard Moore, "surely the only important question that needs to be answered today is: 'Just how many times can Northants get their supporters' hopes up before cruelly dashing them?' I mean I've supported them for a good few years and even I was fooled by their performance in this year's Twenty20!" True, but we only need to win one of the last two games to make it to the quarter-finals. Surely...

20th over: England 91-3 (Bopara 12, Collingwood 8) Bopara is - guess what? - almost run out as he tips Southee to Gillespie at mid-on and is short of the crease as the throw whizzes past the stumps. On the basis that all the England batsmen are living down to their stereotypes today, I fully expect Collingwood to make a gritty century: there's four of them, thanks to a chunky push past mid-off. And then - great shot! - the England captain advances on Southee and launches him over midwicket for four more. "Pretty obvious that the NZ population see the spoons as an answer to the world's economic woes and are using them to eat their Credit Crunchies," cackles John Bains.

19th over: England 82-3 (Bopara 11, Collingwood 0) These two need to mount a serious repair job after the over-excitement of Wright, the carelessness of Pietersen and the fallibility of Bell. The trouble is, Bopara has issues of his own, which more or less places the onus on Captain Colly. One off Oram's over. "How do you rate England's batting vs that of the victorious Old Fallopians on Sunday?" asks Chris Sweet. "Did it hurt to be beaten by such a slender margin? And did I get it right when I gave our captain AK out LBW as we limped to a rare win?" It was the taking part that counted, Chris, especially as I made a duck and took no wicket for 25 off 2.3 overs. And from where I was fielding at long leg, AK was plumb.

18th over: England 81-3 (Bopara 10, Collingwood 0) I'm still grieving. Give me a moment. "Can't help noticing that the Guardian Bookshop advert on the OBO page is suggesting I buy 'Solitary Fitness' by renowned fitness guru and hardened criminal Charles Bronson," says Tom Hodges. "Are you trying to say something about us readers? Do we need to get out a bit more?"

WICKET! Bell c McCullum b Southee 46 (81-3) Surprise, surprise. The ball after spanking Southee through the covers for four, Bell is surprised by a bit of bounce as he tries to nibble one to third man and is caught behind. I'm afraid that is mind-numbing in its predictability. "If KP played a naive shot, at least he did it off the back off a ton two matches ago and with another ton (statistically) due soon," says Gary Naylor. "The problem with England's other batsmen is that they play naive shots without the ton behind them and with precious little prospect of one to come. No other player in the world is expected to lead the charge while anchoring the innings."

17th over: England 74-2 (Bell 42, Bopara 9) Oram continues after the drinks break and England have to push on now. Bell keeps running the ball off the face to third man for a single, and Bopara scampers through for a leg-side single. But there are very few bad balls to hit at the moment: this is disciplined stuff from the New Zealanders. "What is it with England batsmen?" moans Ben Hendy. "A very general question, so I'll qualify it a bit. A number of our players join the England set-up and enjoy a very successful start - Strauss, Pietersen, Cook being my prime examples - and then suffer a significant slump. Do bowlers get wise to their weaknesses? Do we build them up too much and they get cocky? Did they just get called up initially at the height of their powers, when they're in top form, and after a couple of years that form goes and they revert to type? KP in particular has looked very poor far too often of late, merely punctuating a run of 5 or 6 bad (or terrible) innings with one startlingly good one. Shouldn't our main weapon be firing a little more often?"

16th over: England 72-2 (Bell 41, Bopara 8) Bopara steals a quick single off Southee and Bell nudges another to third man. Three off the over. "So can someone tell me what the Kiwis are doing with all the spoons they steal?" asks Steve Hudson. "Do they take them back home to NZ? A phone call to Customs surely, might be advisable, especially if we lose this game…"

15th over: England 69-2 (Bell 39, Bopara 7) Oram is into the attack for Mills (7-1-28-1) and Bell caresses his second ball down the ground for four very lovely runs - the kind of runs you'd be happy to take home and introduce to your parents. He then nurdles Oram to third man for a single, before Bopara defends the last two balls of the over. This is a so-so start by England. "This is a perfect chance for bell to go on and make an important hundred instead of a nice 40," says Sam Blackledge, who has clearly been reading the OBO. "If he doesn't, it's time for a rethink. He just doesn't perform when the chips are down." Right, so if I understand you properly: if Bell doesn't get a hundred today, drop him?

14th over: England 64-2 (Bell 34, Bopara 7) Southee replaces Gillespie (6-2-32-1) and he's eased square on the off-side for two by Bell, the very picture of calm. And then he keeps the strike again, this time with a shuffle down the track and a flick over midwicket for a single. "I've said it before but Pietersen is criminally underachieving for his talent," says Andrew Moore. "He should be scoring as many runs as Ponting, Chanderpaul, Sangakkara et al, but a pattern is developing where a ton is followed by a number of meek failures. When is he going to start consistently dominating attacks? Perhaps the worst thing that could have happened for him is to pull off those left-handed shots. The subsequent media reaction can have done no good to his ego."

13th over: England 61-2 (Bell 31, Bopara 7) Mills drifts to leg and Bell has time to shuffle across and tuck him past short fine leg for four. I hope Wright is watching: that was a calm shot using the pace of the ball. And he follows that with a neat cut behind point for four more. Well played - but there's a long way to go. A single to third man will give him the strike. "Surely the best way of stopping spoons from being half-inched, by god botherers or not, is to have some cord attaching them to your pocket or belt," says the ubiquitous Andy Bradshaw. "Yes you'll look like a really sad git, but no Kiwi-based religious fanatic will be able to get between you and your Muller Lite."

12th over: England 52-2 (Bell 22, Bopara 7) Gillespie beats Bopara, who carefully leaves alone the next delivery. If only Pietersen had showed such circumspection. Instead, New Zealand can just dictate terms for a few overs while England guard against the loss of a third quick wicket. A maiden. "We're far too busy watching cricket to worry about desk jockeys likeBradshaw," says Richard O'Hagan at The Oval. "Though he types a lot for a man who has spent the past fortnight whinging about his broken arm."

11th over: England 52-2 (Bell 22, Bopara 7) This will be a big test for Bell, and I'm not just talking about the need to avoid a run-out with Bopara at the other end. He has the chance to stamp his mark on this opening role now by batting for 40 overs or more and anchoring England towards 280. An iffy upper-cut to third man brings him a single off Mills as Vettori immediately takes the second powerplay, and then Bopara eases him nicely through square-leg for two. An edgy single as he plays forward keeps him the strike. "Catching up, I notice you were described as a trilby-wearer," says John Starbuck. "Is this entirely appropriate for cricket, when a Panama, linen sunhat or boater looks better? Alternatively, a self-consciously comedy hat might do if you want to make a point. But then, perhaps it's raining in your office so you need substantial indoor headgear."

10th over: England 48-2 (Bell 21, Bopara 4) I'm still reeling at the idiocy of Pietersen. There's a hundred on this pitch for a top-six batsman, but he didn't even give himself the chance to play himself in. And now, yet another big innings for Ravi Bopara, who edges his first ball from Gillespie past third slip and away for four. England are living very dangerously.

WICKET! Pietersen c Southee b Gillespie 0 (44-2) That's a staggeringly poor shot from Pietersen. Facing only his second ball he tries to hit Gillespie towards Oval tube and simply skies it back over the bowler's head where Southee makes no mistake. Brainless. "It's not entirely relevant," confesses Mat Bird, "but I thought I'd take this opportunity to try and dissuade any OBOers out there who were thinking of holidaying in Doha this year. I've been working here for the last week and it is the most boring, meteorologically-challenged culture-vacuum I have ever visited (and I've been to Manchester). It ought to be renamed Don'tha."

9th over: England 41-1 (Bell 18, Pietersen 0) So, the jury remains out on Wright as one-day opener. Now, what can Kevin Pietersen do on this belter of an Oval pitch?

WICKET! Wright c Taylor b Mills 18 (41-1) The end of a very, very frantic innings from Wright comes courtesy of a superbly sharp catch by Taylor at midwicket. Wright goes on the pull and can scarcely believe it as Mills sticks out a right hand and holds on. Brilliant stuff! "As a big fan of creating new national stereotypes, could I suggest that the OBO make it a goal to promulgate the idea of Kiwis as 'spoon-stealing god-botherers?'" says Erik Petersen, a looting and pillaging Viking. "That's what they're like down there, you know. No spoons anywhere. Can't let a spoon out of your sight for a minute. Wouldn't think it'd be so, what with all the god-bothering, but there you go. And don't even get me started on how they come over here to take our spoons." I had no idea.

8th over: England 40-0 (Bell 18, Wright 18) Wright still looks a touch too frantic - as if he's batting by numbers. He does get hold of one cut there off Gillespie, but it's well-fielded by Jamie How at backward point. He still looks as if he's trying too hard, which I guess is better than not trying at all. But there's a tightness about his batting, and he needs a leg-side gimme off the last ball of the over, helped to fine leg for four, to keep things ticking over.

7th over: England 36-0 (Bell 18, Wright 14) Wright lifts Mills back down the ground for two, then just evades Ross Taylor at short midwicket as he flicks with a hint of pre-meditation and escapes with a single. Hmm. Bell is playing in more orthodox fashion, as he tends to. This opening partnership has promise, but not a lot more than that at the moment. "Re your description of Ian Smith as 'spitting feathers', does no-balling make him thirsty?" chuckles Iain McCulloch. "As in 'get the kettle on, I'm spitting feathers here'. Interesting reaction from Smuthy there, I would have though he would have been spitting nails, fire or even cobras." Eh, can't feathers be spat? My colleagues on the sports desk seem to think they can be...

6th over: England 33-0 (Bell 18, Wright 11) Wright goes after Gillespie and is fortunate to collect four off the outside edge to third man - he didn't know much about that. He follows that with a more conventional single to third man, and then Bell goes on tiptoes to time Gillespie through the covers off the back foot for four - a genuinely lovely shot. The next ball is clipped past midwicket for two, and suddenly New Zealand are under a bit of pressure. Ranil Dissanayake is in serious mood. "England are a pretty good one-day side at the moment," he declares. "More or less all the skills are in place. Their problem is that they don't deal all that well with pressure, and aren't very good at exerting it for prolonged periods of time. This is a mental problem, nothing to do with the skills of the players on the field. It's mentally exhausting to keep up a McGrathian intensity or self-belief for a full day - but it's what's required to be a truly great team."

5th over: England 22-0 (Bell 12, Wright 6) England have been a bit lucky so far: without those three no-balls and the runs scored off free hits, their total at the start of this over would be eight, not 18. Wright adds two to the total with an uppish flick wide of mid-on off Mills, who then concedes a leg-side wide. Wright keeps the strike with an ugly-looking bunt to third man. "After Andy Bull called me and the great Naylor live text based sport commentaries addicts yesterday, I would like to refute that and propose more of a 'live text based sport commentaries obsessives/stalkers',"says Andy Bradshaw. "Still it'll probably be quiet today except for very smug missives from The Oval, where Bashforth, O'Hagan and a number of other OBO regulars are currently rubbing us office-bound losers' noses in the fact."

4th over: England 18-0 (Bell 12, Wright 3) Bell times Gillespie past point for two and then... chaos! Gillespie oversteps, and Bell creams the free-hit over cover for six! But, get this, it's another no-ball, very harshly called by Steve Davis (part of the heel was behind the line). Except this time Bell fails to make contact with the freebie. Ian Smith is spitting feathers with Gillespie for even giving Davis the chance to call him, however miserable a decision it was by the umpire. "Can I get a special mention for my friend Jennifer Offord who ordinarily doesn't care for cricket but, due to a spoon stealing, god-bothering former colleague, really wants the Kiwis to lose today?" asks Jonathan Haskoll. Certainly not: we don't do shout-outs.

3rd over: England 8-0 (Bell 4, Wright 3) Vettori takes out second slip, which may be an indication that the new ball isn't doing as much as he hoped. But then his decision to bowl first was based around his desire to chase, so that doesn't really count as a tactical blunder. Meanwhile, Mills beats Bell outside off and England are just feeling their way into this innings. A clipped single to deep square brings Bell a single, and then Wright upper-cuts to third man, where Tim Southee's lazy fumble allows the batsmen to come back for a second. Poor.

2nd over: England 5-0 (Bell 3, Wright 1) Mark Gillespie is Mills' new-ball partner-in-crime, and he bravely refuses to start with a no-ball. Wright does get hold of a punchy cover-drive, but Vettori moves smartly to his left at mid-off to prevent a run. Wright then slashes and misses at the fifth ball - this is where I think he has to show a bit more judgment: what to leave, what to attack. That's a maiden.

1st over: England 5-0 (Bell 3, Wright 1) As at Chester-le-Street, Kyle Mills begins with a no-ball, except this time he doesn't have Ian Bell caught behind off it - and Bell can only take a single off the free hit rather than the boundary he managed in Durham. Ian Smith is inconsolable in the commentary box. Poor fella. He's had a long tour. Luke Wright clips Mills into the leg-side to open his account, before Bell tucks two to fine-leg as Mills loses his length.

Before we get going, occasional OBO contributor Sam Collins has written in to alert me to this. Cricket fans will love it... he assures me.

I can't help feeling that England would never lose the Ashes if Gary Naylor was allowed to dispense his wisdom to the dressing room on a regular basis. Here he is on the vexed issue of something or other: "Central contracts are claimed to be so important because it keeps the England players away from the rough boys in county cricket, who might injure them by playing cricket literally 3 or 4 days per week (yes - the human body can stand such stresses). But wouldn't it be cheaper, less bother and actually beneficial to players if we ditched the central contracts and just told the players not to play rugby in the warm-up? OK, perhaps not ditch the central contracts completely, but they should play less golf and more cricket, not least so they are reminded how to win tight matches in bowler-friendly conditions."

Toss and teams: Right, so New Zealand have won the toss at The Oval and have stuck England in. Both sides like chasing, don't they? You'll notice, by the way, that Oram has come in for Gareth Hopkins, which means Brendon McCullum resumes his position behind the stumps.

England: 1 Ian Bell, 2 Luke Wright, 3 Kevin Pietersen, 4 Ravi Bopara, 5 Paul Collingwood (capt), Owais Shah, 7 Tim Ambrose (wk), 8 Graeme Swann, 9 Stuart Broad, 10 Ryan Sidebottom, 11 James Anderson.

New Zealand: 1 Jamie How, 2 Brendon McCullum (wk), 3 Ross Taylor, 4 Scott Styris, 5 Daniel Flynn, 6 Jacob Oram, 7 Grant Elliott, 8 Daniel Vettori (capt), 9 Kyle Mills, 10 Tim Southee, 11 Mark Gillespie.

Preamble: Hello and welcome to the latest in a long line of Seminal Moments for England's one-day team. If they lose today, they will not be able to win this five-match series, and the optimism generated by last year's wins over India and Sri Lanka will begin to wane. I mean, I realize New Zealand are ranked third in the world, but this is not the side that got them there. If England fail to win this series, they will look back on 15 minutes of sheer madness at Bristol on Saturday, when they lost four for two and made a total of 182 look like 282. Anyway, I digress. Ryan Sidebottom is back for Chris Tremlett, Ian Bell is fit to play and Jacob Oram returns for New Zealand. Full teams in a moment, but for the time being here's the latest edition of the Spin, and here's Mike Selvey on why 50-over cricket isn't actually dead.

Lawrence will be here from 10.30am, with a jaunty trilby and a gleeful smile.