Monty Panesar

Monty, Small Talk has made a bet that we can do this interview without using the words "good areas" or "keep working hard". So if you had to talk for ten minutes about anything but cricket what would it be? Probably about how Luton Town are going to win the League next season.

[Small Talk nearly chokes on a wine gum] That's some call Monty given that Luton are facing a 25-point penalty next season. So are you a closet footballer? Well, I play a little bit yeah. Indoors, five-a-side with my mates from back home in Luton.

You any good? All right I reckon, I set-up a fair few goals, so yeah.

Right so you're a dynamic midfielder are you? Yeah, yeah, I like that. A good way to put it, a dynamic midfielder.

Do you play many other sports as well? Snooker, pool. Most of the England guys play darts. I watch a lot of other sports too.

What do you watch when you're not watching sport? A lot of TV, Simpsons, Futurama, EastEnders, Hollyoaks.

Hollyoaks? Why? Ah, it's half an hour to switch off in isn't it? The TV keeps rolling on while you switch off.

Wouldn't that time be better spent playing computer games? Oh yeah, I love my games. I play a lot of Wii, and I've got a PS2 too.

Do you ever play EA Cricket, or Brian Lara Cricket? Nah... I've not done that.

Really? Even though you could play as yourself? As myself? Why would I want to do that?

Wouldn't you like to know what it's like to score a Test century? Nah, I've been able to resist doing that mate.

What about YouTube? Do you ever look yourself up on YouTube? What? No. Trust me mate, I've got better things to do than look myself up on YouTube and play as myself in computer games.

Really, like what? It's just that there's about six songs on YouTube that have been written in tribute to you. Really?

Yeah. One of them, you remember that song How Bizarre by OMC from the 90s, they've rewritten that so it's about you. "Pan-e-sar, Pan-e-sar, oooh baby, it's making me crazy," you know. [Monty guffaws] No. No I don't know that.

Sure you do. So what music do you listen to? UK hip-hop, garage.

Did you see that Fred Flintoff admitted at the weekend that he was a big Rod Stewart and Elton John man? Yeah... when that stuff is on in the dressing room I just plug my earphones in. I don't like that stuff. Must be because I'm from down south or something. Well, actually I don't mind Elton John.

Moving on from that. What keeps you awake at night? A full moon when I've forgotten to draw the curtains.

And if you were hosting a chat show... A chat show? The Monty Show? Yeah, yeah,

Who would be on the first edition? Tiger Woods, Roger Federer, and Jessica Alba.

OK, so I'm guess you're going for the first two because of their unremitting devotion to sporting excellence... Yeah, and the way in which they've dominated their sports so completely. If I did have a chat show it would be the called the Vodafone Monty Panesar show and it would be wicked.

No doubt. And you'd have Jessica Alba on because she's hot? That'd just be one of the reasons, yeah.

Right, so if I said something like Scarlett Johnansson or Beyonce Knowles? One on my left and one on my right? I'd be happy with that, thanks.

And what about if I said Warne or Muralitharan? Warne. Because of what he's just done in the IPL.

Oh have you been watching that? Yeah yeah, a lot of it. What he did, leading the least funded team to the title, that just shows what a great leader of the troops he is.

God forbid somebody should try to kill you but what would your last meal on earth be? Pizza Hut. Vegetable Supreme, cheesy garlic bread and a large pepsi.

Do you ever take down their all you can eat lunchtime buffet? It's been a few years to be honest.

What would you put in Room 101? What I call bad drivers. I mean, people doing 70 in the inside lane. There I am, coming up fast, and I don't want to have to break my rhythm for some guy doing 70 in the fast lane. Get out of the way, get into the middle. It's bad driving. [Pauses]. Don't say that I'm doing 100 or anything like that.

What? Don't say I'm doing more than 85.

Why? I'll have police on my tail man. Next time I'm on the motorway there'll be sirens in my rear view mirror.

Really. Small Talk didn't know it had such power. So what was the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you on a cricket field? Most embarrassing? I dunno. Probably when a dog came onto the pitch and ran near me or something?

What's embarrassing about that? I was going to run away. I hate dogs. Look it was fantastic to speak to you mate, but I've got to go train.

Monty! Tell us a joke before you go. What? A joke? Nah I can't, I'm not really much of a joke teller you know?

Oh go on, just one joke Monty. Well I could, but I don't think you should be printing any of them...

It'll be fine. Really, just tell us. You're trying to get me in trouble aren't you? OK. Here's a joke: knock knock.

Who's there? No one.

What? I dunno, that's it mate. Gotta go. Bye.

Bye Monty.

Monty accesses email on his mobile to stay in touch with friends when he's out and about. Visit vodafone.co.ukfor details.