England v New Zealand – Live!

LUNCH and crucial time for regrouping after the morning shambles.

I'm sorry about all this, but I'm happy to be off too. John Ashdown will guide you through the afternoon session, and as I've sworn to mention this everytime I switch over to him I must add that he used to open the batting with Derbyshire's mighty Nathan Dumelow you know. If one of you engages him on that fact I'll be released from my bond. Right enough, I'm gone.

29th over: England 84-2 (Strauss 36 Pietersen 15)Let's just let Brian Vincent pick up a little slack to take us into the break shall we: "Maureen? That's nothing. I've only been in my current job for 2 months, in that time I've been called; Tim, Tam, Tammy Vincant, Vince and (my personal favorite)... Ben." Yeah, I appreciate your pain Phil.

28th over: England 83-2 (Strauss 36 Pietersen 15)Yeah, that's right, I've flipped it back around again. Chris Martin has come on, and KP has knocked a couple more out to backward square. Strauss in turn wallops fur out to the leg side, ends the over with a single and mercifully this should be the last over before lunch.

27th over: England 76-2 (Strauss 31 Pietersen 13)Vettori skins the outside edge of KP's bat. "Why have you gone to scroll down? It means the desktop score only has your introduction. Doh!" Because Tim, this whole operation, I mean the one in the immediate vicinity of my chair, my computer, myself, yes me - I, I have collapsed into a stinking fetid heap of ineptitude over the course of the last 40 minutes. So bad has it got that I've just received a sympathetic email from Smyth. Yes, I really have.

26th over: England 76-2 (Strauss 31 Pietersen 13)The sooner this travesty ends the better. Strauss chops four through backward point, thank god for Strauss, who'd have thought that he'd be propping up England's batting so robustly so shortly after he was inked in as first against the wall?

25th over: England 72-2 (Strauss 27 Pietersen 13)I mean, why not? Why not submit to the Kafkaesque logic that governs organizations like this one? The sun is out, close the blinds, it's too hot? shut the windows, your computer is working? switch it for a broken one. You've just got used to upside-down OBOs? switch it back the other way.

24th over: England 68-2 (Strauss 25 Pietersen 11)Yeah, we're just playing with your minds now for no apparent reason aren't we?

23rd over: England 68-2 (Strauss 25 Pietersen 11)And here's a little Dan Vettori. "Yeah, your email might not be working, but at least you aren't called Maureen, continually, by everyone. Including the people who come in and see me sitting at the desk." And that, from a man named Mark Taylor, is truly baffling. Pietersen spends five balls patting Vettori back down the pitch and then, for the sixth, he frees his arms and swings away a pair of runs to cover.

22nd over: England 66-2 (Strauss 25 Pietersen 9)This is what you call getting owned by a geek: "Jabba's ability to carbon freeze people" (9th over)??? Jabba had no ability to carbon freeze people. Han was defrosted in Jabba's palace and was put into carbon freeze by Darth Vader using Lando Calrissian's carbon freezing equipment facility. Yes I'm a loser but I couldn't let that one go." Chris Powell, you may be a loser, but you're a correct loser, and so today I salute you, bow to your feet and utter Klaatu Baradu Niktu and proffer you a multi-pack of pickled onion Monster Munch by way of supplication.

21st over: England 66-2 (Strauss 24 Pietersen 9)Julian Longhurst is one of a fe of you to have been struck by this fact: "I'm listening to TMS 'live' via the BBC website and hitting F5 to refresh your commentary. Weird thing is you are about 5 minutes ahead of the live commentary. I always though you lot were good, but now your Nostradamus-like powers have been revealed I'm in utter awe. How do you do it?" We make it up as we go along, just we're very very good at it. In today's competitive news market place making things up before they happen is the safest possible means of making sure you have the story ahead of your competitors. In five minutes for example, someone will tell you that Strauss has tipped a single out to leg.

20th over: England 65-2 (Strauss 23 Pietersen 9)"Frankly Bull that was your fault." Christ if only you knew how often I'd heard that in my life, Andrew Gledhill is presumably referring to the switch to Macs, the collapse of the GU computing infrastructure and Vaughan's wicket, "You're worse than Keegan calling a David Batty penalty - thank god we won't be going through that this summer and can look forward to being taken apart at cricket by the Saffas instead." A maiden from Oram, every bit as unsurprising as the changing of the seasons.

19th over: England 65-2 (Strauss 23 Pietersen 8)"Why the hell have you been given Macs? ... are you taking up illustration? Or adding an artier string to your bow? Or is it just the subversive side of your organization showing through?" Good question Sam Hedges. Obviously the atmosphere is all just a little hipper round here now, fresher. Other than that i guess it's just symptomatic of an organization's desire to change things for the sake of changing them.

18th over: England 65-2 (Strauss 23 Pietersen 8)In the meantime, the umpires have switched the ball, something which seems to have happened in every innings of this series so far. Vettori has brought Mary Shelley's Jacob Oram on for his first bowl. Oh yeah, in case you were unsettled by the fact that your OBO was working again, well, don't get in a flap. My email is knacked, so I can't read or see anything you may be sending in. What is the goddamn point?

Yeah, those nice new Macs they've given us, don't worry, they're not going to do anything to change the fact that OBO is riddled with technical difficulties, and computer gremlins. My own machine for example, as just crashed for a reassuring ten minutes. God forbid things should work properly around here.

WICKET! Vaughan 16 b O'Brien (13th over: England 44-2 (Strauss 16 Pietersen 0)These two are the most reliable batsmen in England's line-up... if New Zealand split them soon they'll be confident of running right through this side like the devil's forefinger through a Solero...oh! Look at that. This game is on, and no doubt about it. Vaughan is out, gone, undone by a jaffa that came back through his gate and tumbled off stump to the ground. KP is in then, and the heat is on. He's off zero right away, nudging a single into the leg side.

12th over: England 43-1 (Strauss 12 Vaughan 16)A maiden. A maiden spent trawling through your innumerable wrong answers to that query.

11th over: England 43-1 (Strauss 12 Vaughan 16)A-HA! After 100 or so guesses, time enough for Vettori to bring Iain O'Brien on for a bowl, somebody has finally got it right. And the fact that he's called Hank Costello makes that fact all the better: "Not a question of who, but How?" Indeed it is... the most anonymous guy on either side had, before the start of this match, racked up more runs than any of England's top six apart from Strauss. O'Brien squirms as a vicious off-cutter comes within a hair of clean-bowling Vaughan's off-stump, but instead runs on by past the keeper for four byes. Vaughan struck four runs from the bat as well, which O'Brien had less cause to grumble about.

10th over: England 36-1 (Strauss 12 Vaughan 12)A steaming fresh batch of nominations for Michael Vaughan as the third-highest etc etc come through, presumably inspired by that last over. To all of you: no, no, no. And those of you saying Jacob Oram? NO. And the others saying Stephen Fleming? NO. "Matthew Bell?" Suggests someone truly desperate.

9th over: England 36-1 (Strauss 12 Vaughan 12)A sublime drive by Vaughan, the kind that defies description, leaving the viewer dumbstruck in admiration. It brings him four through cover. And he repeats it. Damn. If I had Jabba's ability to carbon freeze people, Vaughan would be mounted on my patio in that pose. He makes it 12 from five balls with a pull that he's a little early on, sending it speeding down the ground past the bowler.

8th over: England 20-1 (Strauss 12 Vaughan 0)"Is it Ambrose? I think it's Tim Ambrose. Strange pick, but he's quietly accumulated, I reckon." Another no, this time for Tom Walling. A glorious straight drive by Strauss crashes the ball past Kyle Mill's outstretched right hand and away through long-on.

7th over: England 14-1 (Strauss 8 Vaughan 0)"Ian Bell for third highest run scorer?" ponders Ian Deakin, with a laughable degree of inaccuracy. "Danny Vettori?" speculates Andrew Taylor, adding "(not of Duran Duran)". Nope replies Andy Bull (also not of Duran Duran).

WICKET! Cook 6 b Mills (6th over: England 14-1 Strauss 8 Vaughan 0)Holy calamity! Cook's stumps are torn out of the turf, his dismal trot continuing as he plays a wide-away from his body drive and snicks an inside edge onto his own timbers. Vettori brings in another slip, and oh my that's a ludicrous ball to get first up... Mills has produced two unplayable ball here, the best of them pitching on middle and breaking back three inches off the pitch to pass the outside edge and fly over off stump. The fifth ball prompts a very speculative lbw appeal, and the sixth is a dot, making it a magnificent wicket maiden.

5th over: England 14-0 (Strauss 8 Cook 6)Matt, send over the fava beans and the Chianti and I'll see what I can do. This is, remember, the writer who brought you Why The West Indies are a Good Pick for the World Cup and other classics. Martin comes damn close to trapping Cook lbw, but the ball pitches a half-inch or so outside leg stump. McCullum, you might like to know, is fielding at first slip. Third highest run-scorer? James Smith says: "Whilst I would love to say Stuart Broad as a surprising answer, I reckon it's the even more surprising Paul Collingwood." Nope and nope.

4th over: England 12-0 (Strauss 6 Cook 5)Mills now shows he can move the ball back into the off stump as well as away from it, curving the ball back past Strauss's edge and making his leave-alone look rather riskier than the batsman would have fancied. I was wondering when Matt Rushworth might come back to make me eat my words from an IPL OBO about Shane Warne's cheapskate misfits were a lousy pick to win the tournament, and here he is: "Regarding your disparaging words about my bet on the gentlemen from Jaipur,I invite you sir, to eat your liver, EAT YOUR LIVER!"

3rd over: England 11-0 (Strauss 6 Cook 5)Actually to hark back to that last over and its email, Taylor is the leading run-scorer over the course of the five matches these sides have played this winter. He's followed by Strauss. The surprising thing is who is in third... any guesses? Just a single from this over, tapped out to leg by Strauss.

2nd over: England 10-0 (Strauss 5 Cook 5)Chris in Sheffield has sent a frankly rather dull email, which can be enlivened by imagining that he's saying it an especially gruff Yorkshire accent and is sat behind you at the ground with a thermos and pack of corned beef sandwiches and is wearing a flat cap: "A bit surprised Southee's not been given a go. Looked very good in the game against Northants. Ross Taylor's continued his good form, he's definitely England's biggest threat - class act he is." Chris in Sheffield Cook reaches across to the off side and drives four past point. Mills is also finding plentiful swing away from the southpaws.

1st over: England 6-0 (Strauss 5 Cook 1)Having heard Bumble Lloyd robustly insist that the New Zealand bowlers had been unable to make the ball swing at all in practice, I watch Chris Martin swing the first ball a foot or so across the face of Strauss' bat, and my head promptly fills with ugly thoughts about first innings collapses. England, anyway, are off and running, the openers swapping singles to square leg. The over becomes positively productive when Strauss plays a leg glance and the ball squirts off the back of his bat and away through cover for four.

Astonishingly, and to the all too predictable delight of everybody in the TMS commentary box, New Zealand are indeed wearing a revolutionary brand of trousers that is designed to "improve performance by 2.7%". They are, as Scott Collier points out: "IonX BaseLayer performance underwear. What's your professional opinion - will the extra support be enough to stop them squandering a winning position once again? And more to the point, should the MCC allow it?" I couldn't care about whether it's allowed or not: it'll surely be banned soon enough, like most innovations of that kind. I want to know what a 2.7% improvement in trouser performance would mean for us if the company can pull off a Nike-style crossover into high street fashion. Supposedly, the kiwi trousers once had an abrasive patch as well as a shiny one, designed to rough the ball up.

"Must be a nice life" observes Ian Down, "being an England selector when a) the opposition is so weak/injury-prone you can play abysmally and win and b) not have to do anything at all for the next game because of a)." Jobs in cricket that are definitely easier than mine, and all of ours, include: KP's agent, captain of Australia in the 1990s, England selector 2008.

While dull old England look as familiar as the girl next door. And she's not even the kind you'd fancy much: AJ Strauss, AN Cook, MP Vaughan, KP Pietersen, IR Bell, PD Collingwood, TR Ambrose, SCJ Broad, RJ Sidebottom, MS Panesar, JM Anderson.

Anyway, New Zealand look like this: JM How, AJ Redmond, BB McCullum, LRPL Taylor, DR Flynn, JDP Oram, GJ Hopkins, DL Vettori, KD Mills, IE O'Brien, CS Martin. the sharp-eyed among you will spot that Iain O'Brien has kept his place ahead of Tim Southee, and because Brendon McCullum has a knacked back, Gareth Hopkins has come in for his Test debut as a specialist wicketkeeper. McCullum is bumped up the order and out of Monty's way to no3. Could this possibly, lead to a Sangakkara-esque unleashing of his full batting potential?

My typing is liable to even shoddier than typical today, so please feel free to deluge me with abusive emails. My excuse, and like England and the pre-match hype about this game it's best to get it in early, is that someone - the same mysterious person who sees fit to play dice with day to day life on the GU desk, has also traded in my chunky heavy-keyed keyboard for an apple-friendly featherlight touch-sensitive number. It's going to play hell with my joints, because I keep whacking my fingers into the keys only to find that I'm using much too much force. Bah.

Oh we're late we're late we're late. New Zealand have won the toss and put england in to bat.

Good morning everyone. I'm late I'm late I'm late. Like the rabbit said. Have you ever come into work to find that for some reason, somebody has switched your colleagues for strangers and swapped your computers for macs and stuck a load of video footage of England players talking about... what are they talking about? can some of you watch them and provide me with a summary? What the hell is going on? Times are changing is what's happening.

Andy will be here from 10.30am, enjoying the sunshine as it streams in through the windows. In the meantime, why not enjoy some video footage of the men of the moment talking about how much they're looking forward to the third Test. Click here for younglings Anderson and Broad; click here for Collingwood shrugging off his slump, and here for a rueful Jacob Oram.