England 2-0 Usa - As It Happened

The teams

Ingerland! Ingerland! Ingerland!: James, Brown, Ferdinand, Terry, Ashley Cole, Beckham, Hargreaves, Lampard, Gerrard, Defoe, Rooney.Subs: Hart, Lewis, Johnson, Bridge, Warnock, Woodgate, Bentley, Jagielka, Wheater, Huddlestone, Barry, Joe Cole, Downing, Young, Crouch, Ashton, Walcott, Agbonlahor.

USA! USA! USA!Howard, Califf, Cherundolo, Pearce, Bocanegra, Dempsey, Bradley, Clark, Beasley, Johnson, Wolff.Subs: Guzan, Onyewu, Lewis, Jaqua, Adu, Edu, Hejduk.

Referee: Kyros Vassaras (Greece)

Pre-match niceties: Sir Bobby Charlton, who it seems will agree to do anything to get into a football match for free, presents David Beckham with a golden cap, so the former England captain can remember the 100th cap he won against France last time out. Like anyone is going to forget it after all the palaver it caused. Quite why he's playing tonight is anyone's guess. Mine is that it's for commercial reasons: he plays in the Major Soccer ball League and England's opposition tonight are Team USA. My own personal opinion is that this will be his second-last appearance in an England shirt.

1 min: Kelly Rowland puts the Wembley PA through its paces with a preposterously OTT rendition of the Star Spangled Banner, then somebody far less attractive sings God Save The Queen. England kick off.

2 min: England have 18 substitutes on their bench tonight. Eighteen! Only six can be used, so it seems a little pointless. Then again, the whole thing seems a little pointless? It's a complete waste of everybody's time and yet the presence of about 70,000 fans, many of whom have paid their own money to be here, would suggest that there really is no accounting for taste.

4 min: Jermain Defoe controls a long ball pumped up front from the back and attempts to play Wayne Rooney through for a one-on-one with Tim Howard in the Everton goal. Offside.

5 min: My email in box is groaning under the weight of your predictions for the outcome of this game. I'm not sure what I did to convey the impression that I might be even remotely interested in receiving them, but I can assure you it was accidental.

9 min:Another long ball up the center from the England defence. Over on the left wing, Steven Gerrard gets upended by Ricardo Clark from the Houston Dynamos and wins a free-kick. Replays show the Liverpool midfielder to have dived ... in a friendly. That's fairly pathetic, even by his low standards.

11 min: David Beckham sends in a low diagonal cross that bounces on the edge of the six-yard box. Good delivery, but there's nobody in a white shirt there to poke it home.

14 min: Like the lionhearted warrior he is, England's brave skipper John Terry dispossesses Eddie Johnson and passes the ball a couple of yards sideways to Owen Hargreaves. Although it's difficult to tell from my position in a Farringdon bunker, I think he's still crying from last Wednesday.

15 min: I know I am, albeit with laughter.

17 min: David Beckham shanks the ball 10 yards over the crossbar from just outside the D of the USA penalty area.

20 min: Daniel Vergara writes from the USA, very presumptuously. "Since we all know you don't give a f*** about England and you probably want them to lose, and since you surely also believe that MLS is quality-wise the equivalent of the Conference, and personally blame the US starting XI for the Iraq war and the subversion of the Kyoto protocol," he decides, "I was wondering when was the last time that you genuinely cared about the score of a (meaningful) football game, or the last time you were hurt (however slightly) by someone's snipy or sarcastic comments about a team you cared about."

22 min: Well Daniel, I told somebody that the Offaly hurling team would never win another All Ireland final in my lifetime and immediately felt a little morose. Does that answer your question?

24 min: Jermain Defoe gallops down the right wing, then crosses to Steven Gerrard just inside the American penalty area. His effort is blocked. Moments later, he has another shot blocked by Clint Dempsey after a well worked England free-kick.

25 min: At last, Team America launch a noteworthy sortie into England territory. It ends with Fulham's Eddie Johnson shooting tamely into England goalkeeper David James' breadbasket from a narrow angle.

27 min: Free kick for the US about 40 yards out from Engtland's goal, left of centre. DaMarcus Beasley takes it and fails to clear the two-man wall. Unbelievable ineptitude. Having seen that, I would say to Daniel Vergara that it would be an insult to England's fifth tier to liken the standard of MLS football to that of the Conference ... but Beasley plays for Rangers, who can't even win a league that's worse.

29 min: Half an hour gone and the US aren't being asked too many questions by England at all. This encounter as pedestrian and dull as you'd expect a football friendly to be. Neither goalkeeper has had to make a save yet.

32 min: Free-kick for the US, wide on the right, over near the touchline. DaMarcus Beasley sends the ball in to the mixer and Wayne Rooney heads clear.

34 min: Wayne Rooney and Steven Gerrard combine well down the left, before the latter sending a low ball across the edge of the six-yard box. It's beautifully teed up for Jermain Defoe, who extends a toe and ... somehow contrives to send it wide.

36 min: "In England those who can do but those who can't teach," writes Stephen Taylor-Matthews. "Would the Americanism be that those who can't play soccer for Fulham?" Very droll, Stephen. But what does that say about Carlos Bocanegra, who's just been released by them?

England 1-0 USA! USA! USA! (Terry 37) England win a free-kick wide on the right. David Beckham sends it into the penalty area, where lion-hearted England captain John Terry once again finds himself unable to remain on his feet, choosing instead to rise salmon-like and head the ball into the bottom right-hand corner. He celebrates as if he's just scored the winning the penalty in a Champions League final penalty shoot-out. He must have seen somebody do it once.

40 min: Jermain Defoe shoots high and wide from distance. Moments earlier, Steven Gerrard and driven quite a get table free-kick into the US defensive wall.

43 min: Team USA's right-back Steve Cherundolo, who plays his football in Germany with Hannover, gets booked for a professional foul on Jermain Defoe and England win a free-kick a couple of meters outside the penalty are. David Beckham steps up, but fails to clear the wall.

45 min: On the BBC, well past his prime commentator (yes, yes, I can talk) John Motson keeps going on about how much character John Terry has shown to bounce back from last week's penalty miss last week. It's almost as if Motty honestly believes that scoring a goal in an end-of-season friendly against America makes up for making a complete eejit of himself in Moscow last week. No doubt some idiot journalist will ask Terry afterwards if scoring here has "gone some way towards making up for the disappointment of Moscow, John?"

Half-time, thank God. That was terrible.

Half-time punditry

"On the subject of hurling, I had the pleasure of seeing a local hurling match in Dublin last week-end," writes Howard D. "Not a hand-bag, dive or teary complaint in sight. No wonder you're sensitive about it." That's nice to hear, Howard, but I'm not going to pretend hurling is perfect. If you'd been watching in Cork you'd have seen plenty of diving. Unless the players are still on strike, that is.

On the BBC, Alan Shearer has just likened the first half of England v USA! USA! USA! to watching paint dry. He can talk ...

Some actual proper punditry, from Phil Sawyer. "My word, Barry, you're setting new standards of lackluster for the MBM," he writes. "Can't blame you though – the England players seem to have decided that the way to strike a balance between the possession game that Capello wants and the park football approach they're used to is simply to play no football at all. Am contemplating spending the second half watching my toenails grow."

"Did Gary Lineker just having a passing go there at the Yank commentators: '... and it's Beck-ham from the 70 yard line, etc?" asks Darragh Costello. "Obviously he hasn't learnt his lesson from his 2002 blunder/plagiarism of the Guadrian's own Scott Murray."

46 min: England substitution: Dave Bentley on, David Beckham off. Team USA subs: Brad Guzan on, Tim Howard off. Frankie Hejduk on, Steve Cherundolo off.

47 min: As England's defenders stand around looking at the ball much like cows might gaze at an empty plastic bag blowing around a field, Eddie Johnson nips in amongst them, gets on the end of a cross and sends an excellent scoring opportunity wide from the edge of the penalty area.

50 min: Eddie Lewis? Make that Eddie Johnson.

51 min: Wayne Rooney plays Jermain Defoe, who timed his run perfectly, through on goal, but the Portsmouth striker shoots harmlessly at Brad Guza in the American goal.

52 min: Free-kick for England, wide on the left. The ball's swung in to the penalty area, where Defoe turns his man expertly before shooting straight at the goalkeeper from seven or eight yards. Defoe has been given an excellent opportunity to prove his goalscoring prowess to Fabio Capello tonight and he's doing his damnedest to waste it.

56 min: England substitution: Frank Lampard off, Gareth Barry on. Wes Brown off, Glen Johnson off. My in box is bulging at the seams with mails from people who've written in to tell me to stop being so miserable because I'm being paid to watch football for a living. I don't know what this is, but it sure ain't football. It makes the grotesque display of anti-rugby put on by Munster in the Heineken Cup final last Saturday look like Cirque du Soleil by comparison.

GOAL! England 2-0 USA! USA! USA! (Gerrard 59) That's more like it. Some lovely passing football from England, started and finished by Steven Gerrard, who times his run through the center perfectly to latch on to a pass along the floor from Gareth Barry and slot it past Brad Guzan.

63 min: "Imagine all those people who've just got home from work and have settled down with a glass of wine, expecting the apprentice," writes Jamie B, who has a point. To think they could be watching a lot of preening egomaniac divas mincing about in their efforts to impress an old man with a sun tan, and instead they're stuck watching England's footballers playing a friendly.

68 min: England substitution: Peter Crouch on, Jermain Defoe off. Team USA substitutions: DaMarcus Beasley and Josh Wolff off, Freddy Adu and Eddie Lewis on.

71 min: American corner, which England clear before launching a counter-attack. Nothing comes of it.

73 min: "Wow, you're such a journo stereotype!" writes Luke Harber. "Jaded, cynical and depressed. Are you an alcoholic too? Try and cultivate some originality please!!! A dash of light hearted amusement or something!" Light-hearted amusement? Didn't you not read my Apprentice gag, or were you just too thick to get it? If it makes you feel any better I've got a novelty buzzer electric handshake in my palm too, so if we ever meet and shake hands you're bound to be highly amused: "BUUUUZZZZZZ!!!!!"

75 min: In an effort to spread some light-hearted amusement, the referee shows Wayne Rooney a yellow card for a late tackle. USA! USA! USA! get a free-kick, which Freddy Adu takes with hilarious consequences - his delivery is atrocious. Alluding to the enormous fuss that was made over the young American when he was still a foetus, BBC co-commentator Mark Lawrenson doesn't waste any time to crank out a "much Adu about nothing" gag. And Luke Harber thinks I'm jaded, eh?

78 min: USA substitutions: Ricardo Clark off, Maurice Edu on (that'll cause Motty problems). England substitution: Wayne Rooney off, Joe Cole on for his 50th cap.

80 min: Some very astute analysis, from somebody who seems to care. "Capello really isn't offering anything different to McClaren," writes Simon Horwell. "What a drab midfield on offer and what uninspiring substitutions. What on earth has the best passer in England, Michael Carrick, got to do to get in the squad? And what is the sense in bringing on Crouch instead of the infinitely better Ashton? And for the love of god some pace and width please!!! Ashley Young?? This is a very depressing vision of the future."

81 min: England substitution: Wayne Bridge on, Ashley Cole off. "Full marks for your descriptive powers: i.e. cows, fields, and bags blowin' in the wind," writes Victor Ireland. "But where's your sense of responsibility? You must make that metaphoric bag paper not plastic." Sorry about that, Victor. I briefly forgot who my paymasters were for.

85 min: England corner, which Bentley sends in to the American penalty area. John Terry is penalized for an infringement and the yanks win a free-kick.

87 min: "Re: Luke Harber's comment in the 73rd min. Despite the scoreline, I can't help feeling any halfway decent team would still take this England team apart (no change there then), so presumably this makes me jaded and cynical," writes Phil Sawyer. "I also reached for the whiskey pretty early in this match. It would appear by Luke's standards that I'm eminently qualified to be a journo. Any jobs going?"

88 min: England almost bag a third when Peter Crouch gets on the end of a cross from David Bentley and attempts to steer it past Brad Guzan from the edge of the six-yard box. His effort is blocked. USA substitution: Johnson off, Joqua on. I'm not sure how many Eddie Lewises and Johnsons that I have out on the pitch at the moment. I've completely lost track as I kept mixing them up throughout the game. Sorry about that, but you should probably just be thankful Eddie Pope has retired.

90+1 min: Corner for England, from which they win another one. David Bentley plays it short to Owen Hargreaves, who plays a one-two with Glen Johnson, before Team America clear.

Full time:Peep! Peep! Peep! The referee puts everyone out of their misery by bringing proceedings to a close. It was a dismal match contested by one very average team and one really awful one. I'll leave it up to yourselves to decide which one is which. To be fair, the second half, with its higher tempo, wasn't as bad as the first, but then it couldn't possibly have been. Man of the Match Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney played well for England, but it's difficult to put into words just how feeble their opponents were. A set of traffic cones would have put up more resistance and still England only won 2-0.

Tonight's final word goes to Alex Welby: "When will anyone work out that England overachieved with Sven in charge and lapsed back to their normal level immediately under McClaren?" he asks. "Even if Capello gets the best out of this lot, they will only ever reach the quarter-finals of tournaments before being knocked out on pens."