Napoleon and Nothing To Do With Dynamite, Sadly

THE DROGS OF SOCIETY

Anyone who has ever seen Didier Drogba tumble to the turf, his face more contorted than Sergeant Elias taking his 482nd bullet in Platoon ... only to spring back to life once he's won a free-kick in a dangerous position, knows all about the Ivorian's remarkable powers of recovery. So it was no surprise today that Drogba, whose knee swelled to Beth Ditto-sized proportions against Bolton on Sunday, announced he would be training "later this week" and would certainly be fit for next week's "gigantic" Big Cup final against Manchester United.

And - according to Drogba - he will definitely be joined in Moscow by England's Brave John Terry, whose dislocated elbow will no doubt be tucked into his shirt, thus ensuring he gives a passable impression of Napoleon circa 1812 (hopefully complete with painful retreat from the Russian capital). "I have spoken to him - he will play in Moscow," Drogba told L'Equipe. "No one wants to miss this gigantic match, the match of our careers. That's the case for me anyway."

Drogba, however, was far more reticent when asked about his future, telling L'Equipe: "At the moment, the only thing I have in my mind is the final in Moscow." Chelsea manager Avram 'Something of the Night' Grant wasn't any more enlightening, claiming: "Since I've been in football I've heard so many rumors," he said. "He [Drogba] didn't say he wants to leave [oh yes he did - Fiver Pantomime Ed] and the club don't say they want him to leave." So what next? When asked what will happen in June or July? Drogba replied: "I still don't know anything." Much like the Fiver then, but our money remains on a move to Milan.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"It might sound silly, but 20 years on Brazil are copying Wimbledon with the way that they put curled balls into the near post, from the right side with the left foot and vice versa" - Kah! Next thing you know Bobby Gould will be imitating Vinnie Jones and claiming Ronaldo goes around grabbing people's swingers.

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THE FIVER IS ALWAYS CHEAP. YOU KNOW THAT, WE KNOW THAT. BUT THIS, THIS... WELL, THIS REDEFINES CHEAP

Thanks to the sordid tales Weird Uncle Fiver tells of his time on set as owner/ director/ sole viewer of adult-entertainment concern Straight To Betamax, the Fiver knows all too well that when things go wrong on the shoot of a bongo flick, recriminations are swiftly aired. "What do you call that?" "Not the aubergine again!" "That's it, this time I'm telling my wife." And so it is at Bongo FC, who went down at the weekend (behave yourselves) and whose co-owner, spank midget David Sullivan, has since been whining like a fluffer asked to carry out his duties with neither feather duster nor industrial pair of Marigolds.

Mercifully stopping short of pointing out that the team have been shooting wildly and prematurely before getting anywhere near the box, or using phrases like "what a sloppy mix-up at the back", Sullivan did however yesterday suggest former boss Steve Bruce had "bought a pile of rubbish" last summer. But this afternoon the stumpy publisher of frap facilitation, like a celluloid buck who has forgotten to take his love medicine, quickly retracted and offered a limp apology.

It was communicated via the medium of Franck Queudrue, one of the men Sullivan branded a "major disappointment". "I spoke to him this morning," said Queudrue today. "He apologized to me and it's OK. He was sincere. It shouldn't have become public. He regrets it now. He put so much into the club for 15 years and was frustrated, and he got a bit carried away." So all is once again calmer than a post-coital cigarette; for any voyeur hoping to witness a good elongated rumble, this represents the most thundering anti-climax since the final frames of Weird Uncle Fiver's final directorial outing, Not The Aubergine Again. (It was the aubergine again).

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Like a hirsute lady trying on a bikini in Primark, Sir Alex Ferguson reckons he needs to get a Brazilian before he goes off on a summer holiday. In fact, he may need two: Luis Fabiano and Daniel Alves.

Michael Owen will do the proverbial one unless Newcastle start paying him £120,000 a week. Unfortunately, the only side interested in him are Japan's JEF United.

Christian Vieri faces the tough decision of living with his mum or moving to the bright lights of Hull.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Having been linked with Zinedine Zidane, Luis Figo and Pele, QPR have gone one better by signing Peter Ramage from Newcastle and Radek Cerny from Slavia Prague.

Don't be fooled by Gareth Southgate's demure Helen Baxendale-like appearance - he can get tough when he wants to. Just ask Lee Dong-Gook, Fabio Rochemback and Gaizka Mendieta who have all been told to clear off out of the Riverside. Go on, get.

Morocco have named former France manager Roger Lemerre as their new national coach.

Watford captain John Eustace has had his red card rescinded and will be available for his side's 17-15 play-off victory against Hull tomorrow night.

Austria expects to make $500m from this summer's European Championship. "Many families come with father and son watching the games but mother visits museums," said economist Christian Helmenstein, on the phone from 1954. " Some people also stay on after."

And it wouldn't be a Dutch squad without a good dose of infighting: Clarence Seedorf has pulled out of the provisional Euro 2008 squad after finding it difficult to work under coach Marco van Basten.

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STILL WANT MORE?

Knowing that you lot are devout devourers of free stuff, New African Soccer magazine is offering free subscription to all Fiver readers! Go here to take full advantage.

Ben Lyttleton sees Lyon stumble towards their 98th consecutive title, but reckons there could be trouble ahead for les Gones

Richard Williams was once editor of Melody Maker, don't you know. So you should listen when he says the Championship holds the raw thrill of pub rock.

That hot blast Arsenal and Liverpool can feel on their necks is the metaphorical breath of the Premier League chasing pack - and they're getting closer, says Kevin McCarra.

Jonathan Wilson has been keeping himself busy interviewing Pope's O'Rangers last opponents' in a European final, and it don't make pretty reading if you're a Gers fan.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Robson's attack on the Fiver for its Shinawatra critique. Where exactly was this attack on City fans in said critique? I'm a City fan and didn't spot any - just a depressingly accurate portrayal of someone who makes you hanker for the return of Swales. If you're happy with the way the club is being run, fine. Otherwise recognize the devil whose hand has been shook" - Wheeliebin.

"If Human Rights FC get the Euro Vase place for fair play ahead of Fulham, will Mohammed Al Fayed claim that the Premier League egghead in charge of the calculations is really Prince Philip?" - Allan Knox.

"Re: Hatem Ben Arfa (yesterday's rumors). Can I be the 1057th person to point out that he can't check all of Arsène Wenger's boxes, seeing as how I've actually heard of him?" - Paul Laks.

"Re: Monday's truncation of a letter about truncation. Might I suggest that if Fiver Ed was consistent in truncating boring explanations and build-ups, our favorite tea-timely email might only consist of a handful of lines?" - Noel Hanssens.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.

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GOING OUT BOOZING WITH ROMFORD RAY AFTER A NIGHT ON THE VINO ISN'T VERY SMART