Man Utd 4-1 West Ham

59 min: GOAL!!! Manchester United 4-1 West Ham. Ronaldo's first goal was a gift from a dismal West Ham defence, and this one is no different. Carrick picks up the ball by the centre circle and wanders straight down the middle of the pitch. Nobody goes to him, and so upon reaching the edge of the area he takes a dig which is deflected off Neill and into the net.

58 min: A lull.

56 min: Finally Ashton is replaced. Carlton Cole is the man coming on.

53 min: Tevez plays the ball into acres of space... where Nani once was. Nobody comes up to support. United aren't offering very much up front at the moment, but then again they don't really need to.

52 min: A West Ham substitution, but it's not Ashton going off; Boa Morte hobbles towards the bench to be replaced by Solano.

50 min: Simply brilliant from Pantsil, who nutmegs Park down the right and fizzes a low cross into the six-yard area. And superb defending by Ferdinand, who twists his body to hoof clear with Ashton in attendance. A second goal would make ten-man United very nervous indeed. It couldn't happen, surely?

49 min: It appears Neill was not booked for his part in the Nani farce, which is a bit odd as the referee did waft a yellow in his general direction after sending Nani packing, but that's the way it is.

47 min: West Ham then United take turns to stroke the ball around at the back awhile. A quiet start to the half.

"Ashton, who is limping and looks certain to go off..." Anyway, he limped through to half time and, after 15 minutes of rest, he's coming out for the second half. Let's see how that goes. And we're off again. "Curbishley has always struck me as a strange name," writes Gary Naylor. "Given his teams' propensity for throwing in the towel once 40 points are secured, perhaps it's a corruption of 'curb easily'."

Half time: Manchester United 3-1 West Ham. That was some half of football. West Ham were nothing short of a disgrace for the best part of it, but having grabbed a goal back and seen the idiotic Nani lose the place completely and get himself red carded, there is at least some doubt as to the outcome of this match. Though admittedly not very much. "It is interesting how cigarettes are in the same list as bunnies and ice cream," writes George Templeton of the CONTENTMENT-O-METER®. Why? Ice cream is tasty. Cigarettes are tasty. "Your meter should be A: Talkative Grant and B: Yes/No Grant." That's a fair point, though. After watching West Ham's risible efforts here so far, he'll either have taken a vow of silence or a claw hammer to his throat and whipped his vocal cords clean out.

44 min: Ashton, who is limping and looks certain to go off, has a swipe at a free kick from 40 yards. Low and hard, his shot pinballs about the United area for a couple of seconds; Boa Morte gets a toe to it but can only poke softly towards goal and the ball's cleared by Brown.

41 min: Now Tevez gets a stern talking to from the ref, after one or two niggly challenges of his own. Meanwhile Ashton pulls up injured. Things need to stop happening here, this is utterly preposterous. Which, in fairness, they will in four minutes.

38 min: Neill was booked for his part in the Nani farce, by the way, as now is McCartney, who goes in a bit late on Ronaldo.

36 min: RED CARD FOR NANI!!! Stranger and stranger: now Nani is sent off for placing the nut softly on Neill - then falling to the ground clutching his face! There's cheeky for you. He doesn't get away with his shabby antics, however; the linesman has spotted what's been going on and informs Riley, who sends him off. Shame, shame, shame.

33 min: West Ham work a clever free kick from 40 yards out, Mullins eventually sending a ball fizzing across the area with the entire Untied back line asleep. Luckily for them, the ball just goes behind Ashton and Boa Morte in the centre. That could easily have been a second for West Ham. A very strange match, is this.

30 min: Noble tries to lob Van der Sar from the halfway line. Everyone must calm down now.

28 min: GOAL!!! Manchester United 3-1 West Ham. This is getting silly now. Zamora loops a cross into the United area from the right. Brown miscues a header. Ferdinand can't get in front of Ashton who, with his back to goal, bicycle kicks into the top-left corner! Mark Hughes would have been proud of that.

25 min: GOAL!!! Manchester United 3-0 West Ham. This is going to be a rout, because the Hammers are pathetic. Now they let their former player Tevez enjoy a free run towards the area; from the left he cuts inside and hammers a shot into the roof of the net from 25 yards. AVRAM GRANT'S PATENTED MILD CONTENTMENT-O-METER® rating: BBBBBBBBBB

23 min: GOAL!!! Ronaldo 2-0 West Ham. It's his 30th league goal of the season, and without doubt the biggest gift / most ridiculous of all. Hargreaves swings a cross into the box from the right; Green doesn't bother to come to claim, Pantsil can't be arsed to jump, and when the ball finally, inexplicably, arrives at Ronaldo, the winger prods it in from two yards with his front tail.

19 min: Tevez twists and turns down the right and sends over a delicious low cross which beats Green; Tomkins is behind to hack clear.

16 min: Another poor decision by Riley, who has given 13 penalties in his 21 visits to Old Trafford. Chasing a bouncing ball in the area, Brown clumsily allows it to slap against his arm. That should have been a penalty to West Ham, but for some reason the referee thinks Ashton has pushed the defender into the path of the ball and blows for a free kick to Manchester United instead. Eleven of those 13 penalties have been given to the home side, by the way.

14 min: Ronaldo pings the ball past Pantsil as though he wasn't there, which he might as well not have been for all the effort he made getting to a 50-50 ball. Ronaldo tears towards the area and is upended just outside it by Parker, but referee Riley signals for a goal kick.

10 min: This is comically poor from West Ham. Ronaldo flicks the ball down the right to Nani, who is in acres. Boa Morte is the only player anywhere near the United duo, and instead of attempting to track back, he stands and performs an exaggerated shrug straight out of the silent movies. He only just stops short of scratching his head in the manner of Stan Laurel. Nani's cross comes to nothing, but that's not the point. Anyway, as Alan Curbishley says, they always compete, that's why they're mid-table.

7 min: With Ashton bearing down on him, Van der Sar flaps at a looping ball and only succeeds in wafting it towards his own net. Evra is on hand to hack clear. That was not very good from the United keeper at all, and promising for West Ham. This match is very, very, very open indeed.

5 min: In fact, having had a couple of minutes to think about it, West Ham's defending there was utterly pathetic. AVRAM GRANT'S PATENTED MILD CONTENTMENT-O-METER® rating: B

3 min: GOAL!!! Manchester United 1-0 West Ham. That's it, game over after three minutes. Ronaldo picks the ball up on the halfway line and runs down the right at Neill, who slips over. He then cuts inside and into the box, towards McCartney, who runs away from him, allowing Ronaldo to ping a shot goalwards (though it does take a wee nick en route). That was ridiculously easy, West Ham offered no resistance whatsoever.

2 min: The open start continues apace. A couple of corners for Manchester United, the first nearly finding the sometimes hot, sometimes confused head of Ferdinand, the second being totally wasted as Nani fannies around down the right.

And we're off! United get the ball rolling, but it's West Ham who start well, immediately stealing the ball off their hosts. Zamora skitters free down the right and has three in the centre to aim for, including the head of Ashton, but his cross is way too close to the keeper and Van der Sar snaffles. A shame, for that would have been some start.

The match hasn't started yet, though the first open goal of the day has already been converted. "Using Boris on your graphic opens you up to accusations of an overly London-centric approach," opines Gary Naylor, "but I think that's okay on this MBM. After all, West Ham's fans are drawn from the East End of London and Manchester United's are drawn from the whole of London." The old ones are always the best, aren't they, and this is the exception that proves the rule. PATENTED MILD CONTENTMENT-O-METER® rating: B

Alan Curbishley's mindset in a nutshell: Upon being asked whether he is planning to bring out the booze should Manchester United win the title, the West Ham manager insists his team always give it 110%, give or take the odd 11%: "We've competed, that's why we're mid-table."

Manchester United, who are without Wayne Rooney and have lost their last three games against West Ham: Van der Sar, Hargreaves, Brown, Ferdinand, Evra, Nani, Carrick, Scholes, Park, Ronaldo, Tevez.Subs: Anderson, Giggs, O'Shea, Fletcher, Kuszczak. Manager: Mr Amazing

West Ham, who are managed by a man planning to bring out the booze should Manchester United win the title: Green, Pantsil, Tomkins, Neill, McCartney, Noble, Parker, Mullins, Boa Morte, Ashton, Zamora.Subs: Cole, Solano, Walker, Collison, Sears. Manager: Mr Distinctly Average At Best

Referee: Mike Riley (Yorkshire)