Losing Any Semblance Of Respect; and Ronaldo

TRIP TO RED SQUARE (DIDN'T HUEY LEWIS HAVE A SONG ABOUT THAT?)

While Manchester United's players awoke this morning one step closer to being spoken about in the same exalted breath as Jonathan Greening, Jesper Blomqvist and David May, their Chelsea and Liverpool counterparts can still only dream about joining them in Moscow. Oh yes, given that the Russian capital is home to an annual Millionaires' Fair and that this year's attractions include a £25,000 bottle of perfume and a diamond-encrusted mobile phone that retails at a paltry $1m, Moscow is this season's must-visit venue for every self-respecting Premier League player.

Ahead of tonight's Big Cup semi-final at Stamford Bridge, upstanding Chelsea striker Didier Drogba took time out from battling gravity to reveal he has an even bigger motivation for reaching Big Cup final. For, in the light of Rafael Benítez's revelation that he has a four-year dossier of dives by the Ivorian, Drogba is as pumped up as a dirty old man's rubber doll.

"Benítez was a manager I respected a lot until now but he has really disappointed me here," sniffed Drogba. "His words demonstrate a weakness, a top manager would never go so low to attack a player," continued the striker, who, incidentally, is reportedly desperate to leave Chelsea this summer in order to hook up with a currently unemployed manager who would never go so low as to attack a player such as, let's see now, Cristiano Ronaldo, by pompously branding him "immature" and "uneducated".

"If [Benítez] wants me to stay on my feet, maybe he should tell his defenders to stop hitting me," added the striker, courageously fending off tears. "In the first leg, Carragher and the other one [Martin Skrtel] didn't stop. I finished the match with bruises everywhere. Last year, I broke a rib against Liverpool in the [Rumbelows Cup] semi-final. Strangely, that escapes the statistics of Benítez. The best response I can give will be on the pitch." A Tony Jaa-style roundhouse to Rafa's chops it is, then.

Follow every niggling tackle, hoofed clearance and defensive header of Chelsea's narrow extra-time victory over Liverpool with our minute-by-minute report from 7pm. It's with Sean Ingle if that makes it any more enticing.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Shut up! You keep quiet and get on with the game. Die!" - Japanese referee Yuichi Nishimura deals with a stroppy Oita Trinita player during a J-League match. Read and learn, Mike Riley, read and learn.

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RANK AND VILE

The Fiver is, of course, no stranger to brushes with the Bobby Moore, the Johnny Hoppers or the ticket inspector at London's Farringdon tube interchange who refuses to recognise a six-year-old newsagent photocopier card as legal tender even though it's still got 7p on it. As such, it can only sympathize with Teesside goal machine Afonso Alves, who has today been slapped, swiped and generally roughed up with a writ from AZ Alkmaar's lawyers demanding £5.9m. AZ are still fuming that the bustling hit man refused to join them from Heerenveen last year, opting instead for the bright lights and post-industrial charm of Middlesbrough.

It's going to court, too. "We are claiming this money on the basis of Fifa's rules," said the club's lawyer Eric Vile, who sounds more like a legendary amphetamine-crazed punk pioneer known for his ability to drench an entire audience in mucus while simultaneously bottling himself. Clearly, neither AZ nor our learned friend Mr Vile are regular down loaders of the popular Football Weekly podcast. Otherwise they might have heard the Fiver's samba-dancing, jeweled bikini-wearing, n1pple-tassel-twirling Brazilian correspondent Fernando Duarte drop the bombshell that Boro's hulking record-signing front man is in fact a hulking ex-midfielder stuck up front during a spell in Sweden a few years back. Which might yet explain a thing or two.

But wait: it's a bulky-guarana-infused-goal poacher-mixing-it-with-the-law double bill. Also in need of a tasty brief this afternoon is a funny-looking lady called Andreia, who finds himself (note: pronoun cleared by Fiver's in-house cross-gender identity consultant) at the center of a Rio de Janeiro police investigation into what's starting to look like a classic transgender knee-knack footballer beach side motel sting. Yes, it's the news item headed up on page three of today's Sun as "AC/DC MILAN - Footie star Ronaldo's tranny h00kers shock", wherein the portly Milan ace "cried foul when three h00kers he picked up turned out to be BLOKES". This despite one of the parties involved being described as "a burly blond who claimed his name was Carla".

Andreia now finds himself on the wrong end of an extortion rap over an alleged demand for £15,000 hush money. The Fiver is, of course, quite sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this. Something involving a late night power-walk and a misunderstanding over room service. Hmm. Quick. Somebody get Eric Vile on the phone.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

The Samuel Eto'o Formerly Known As A Striker will pocket £60,000 a week when he makes his way to White Hart Lane this summer.

Paul Jewell knows a good striker when he sees one. Or maybe he doesn't. But he'll sign Swansea's Jason Scotland for £2m anyway.

Human Rights Watch, part 1: Thaksin Shinawatra's fickle finger of fate is pointing at Peter Crouch as Human Rights FC's next big signing.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

Man Utd fans better start putting those Darren Fletcher gift sets on eBay right now. A trip to the Big Cup final in Moscow will set them back around £3,000, while the Russian embassy is nearly clean out of visas. "The phones here are going mad," one telephonist said. "We know that tonight and tomorrow it is going to get even worse. It has the potential to go pear shaped."

Just like that clever poem by Phillip Larkin, Singaporean striker Noh Alam Shah reckons your mum and dad eff you up. He's had his 12-month ban for attacking a team-mate reduced after citing "serious unresolved personal and family problems".

Human Rights Watch, part 2: Thaksin Shinawatra's son - his son, mind you, not the man himself - has said Sven-Goran Eriksson will still be in charge for the club's summer tour of Asia. "[Sven] will lead the squad to Thailand," Panthongtae Shinawatra told reporters.

Human Rights Watch, Part 3: if Sven does get the boot, Slaven Bilic looks unlikely to replace him now he's signed a new two-year contract with the Croatian national team.

Theo Walcott and Gabriel Agbonlahor will get the chance to win a place on Fabio Capello's bench when they turn out for England Under-21s against Wales on May 15.

And Nasty Leeds will throw tea-timely emails everywhere into meltdown when the result of their appeal against the 15-point deduction handed to them is revealed at 5pm tomorrow.

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STILL WANT MORE?

Atone for that thing you once did with that thing behind the thing by reading about Gregg Roughley's amazing charity run and donating some money to a very good cause.

What new and elaborate way has Jorge Valdano come up with to put the boot into Liverpool? Why not read Marcela Mora y Araujo's interview with him and find out?

Nobody, but nobody, deserves a chance to play in Big Cup final more than Paul Scholes, sighs Richard Williams, wiping a tear from his eye.

Is there a more fanciable player in the Premier League than Ivan Campo, ponders Simon Hattenstone. Nope, probably not, he concludes nine chuckles and a few paragraphs later.

And for all the latest news, previews and idle speculation ahead of tonight's Big Cup clash, why not visit our all-singing, all-dancing special report.

Jason Cundy and Graham Stuart have a stand-up fight (without any blows being exchanged) about whether Avram Grant will be in charge at Chelsea next season.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Stuart Macnab's suggestion that we call his friend Patrick Howe 'for argument's sake' (yesterday's Fiver letters) isn't fooling anybody. I believe his friend was none other than Neil Morrisey. And I believe the incident he mentions - the shouting of 'Bananaramaaaa' mid-coitus - took place in their flat during Men Behaving Badly. Incidentally, if I'm right then the 'conquest' 'Stuart' speaks of was none other than Leslie Ash" - Steve McConville (and 1,056 others).

"Now I know that you have some very important Big Cup matches to cover this week, but I was just wondering if you could mention the FAW's decision to overturn Darren Purse's red card for this tame challenge that left Andrew Cole needing 10 stitches. Had his suspension been upheld, Purse would have missed the FA Cup final. Funny that" - Sean Cole.

Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk.

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THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SLUDGE-COLOURED CLOTHES